"Big News": John Thompson Admits Plan to Run for President with the Name "Barack Hussein Obama" Part of an Elaborate, Ill-Conceived Bet

Thomspon stands by his choice: "Well, I felt that compared to the other options given to me, including Joseph Goebbels Hitler, Attila the Homo, and Hillary Clinton, Obama had the best chance."

The Truth About Globabl Warming: Al Gore Eats Babies!

And thus begins my new weekly feature, entitled "Big News."...stay tuned.

Frankfurt and Hamburg: An Inconvienient History

The story begins in 1857 when a famine struck the city of Hamburg. In response, a young slaughterhouse worker, by the name of Ludwig Van Spock, noticed that only the prime portions of the cattle were being processed into meat. He then came up with a novel idea: take the lesser used and scrap pieces of the cow, ground it up, and make it into a patty. Unfortunately, it was very plain. He took some of the patties back to his house and asked his wife what to do with them. She couldn't think of anything, so she stuck them in the fridge. About a week later, Mr. Spock's son came home early from school. He wanted a sandwich, but there was no ham and the deli was closed. So, he took the patty, put it in between two slices of bread with a slice of cheese. It was not very good. Then he decided to warm it up and melt the cheese...it was delicious! Upon hearing of his son's discovery, Mr. Spock was thrilled. He could help the people of Hamburg produce more food, simply by making ground patties of the wasted and left over material. Always full of civic pride, Mr. Spock named his patty the "Hamburger." It is estimated that his "hamburger" saved the lives of 10 million people that year.

Tales of the Hamburger's taste spread throughout Germany. Hamburg's hamburgers became the favorite of a people who were not unified under one flag. Hamburger societies committed to creating a democratic national German assembly sprang up in all provinces.

Yet, there was one group that was not happy: the ruthless oligarchs of the Frankfurt meat packing industry. Throughout the early 19th century, Frankfurt was the capital of meat packing for most of central Europe. However, with the introduction of the hamburger, the precious profits of the oligarchs became vulnerable. In response they created their own food made of left over meats and called it the Frankfurter. To flood the market with Frankfurters the oligarchs organized militias to confiscate farms and steal farmers' pigs and cattle in what is called the Great Hot Dog Massacre. Of course, those farmers who lost their means of survival starved to death. In all, the nightmare may have taken the lives of over 11 million people.

So began the great rivalry between Hamburg and Frankfurt. Yet Frankfurt would not stop there. In 1870, fearing that the Hamburg societies (who always served hamburgers) were introducing too many people to the delicious dinner, the oligarchs took care of the problem the only way they knew how: supporting Kaiser Wilhem in his tyrannical takeover of Germany and shutting down all of the democratic dreams of the Hamburg societies.

Frankfurt has a long history of anti-semitism going back centuries. They also had a long history of being wimpy defeatists. In fact, during World War I, Mayor Wienerschnitzel organized "Jew brigades" to dress up as jewish stereotypes, carry knives, and literally stab German soldiers in the back in order to hasten the end of the war.

Hamburg, on the other hand, was known for its high tolerance of jews (which was one reason they made cosher beef patties, rather than the pig products used in Frankfurters...in fact some say that Frankfurt packers put pork in their hot dogs just to insult the jews).

Although Adolf Hitler was born and raised in Austria and spent negligible time in the city, he always referred to Frankfurt as his home. Frankfurt was one of the strongest bastions of Nazi support throughout the raise of the 3rd reich. Many historians have commented that the Nuremburg Laws were most stringently applied in Frankfurt and that all jews living in the city were sent to concentration camps or simply murdered in the streets.

Hamburg, on the other hand, did its most to protect its jews, claiming that their skilled work in the hamburger production plants was necessary for the war effort. Of course, the idea that even women and children had these skills began to become a farce. Nevertheless, Hamburg was able to save about 99% of its jews from the holocaust.

Following the war, Frankfurt continued its greedy strive for domination of the country. The only challenge came from its northern rival, Hamburg. A quasi-Cold War developed between the two cities as both tried to institute their belief system on the rest of the nation.

After the Hamburg inspired fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989, many Germans hoped to embrace a new sporting lifestyle. This was most manifested in the creation of the World Football League in 1991. In that inaugural year, the Hamburg Sea Devils beat the Frankfurt Galaxy 77-2 in a pre-season game. Fearing that the Sea Devils would dominate the new league, Frankfurters went on a rampage, massacring the entire team and exiling the city to Scotland. Yet, the true Hamburgeans were not conquered. In 1995 they reorganized themselves in the Scottish Highlands and created the Scottish Claymores. Not surprisingly, the following year, the Claymores won the World Bowl, defeating the Galaxy in what many consider the best football game of all time. In 2005 the noble Hamburgeans were allowed to return to their fabled city. They immediately created another team, the Hamburg Sea Devils. It is this team that carries the history, determination, and the glory of the Hamburg people. "It's not a game, it's a party."

Conspiracy Consensus: Golden State Warriors Abducted, Replaced by Super Basketball Alien Ninjas from the Future Past on March 3rd

Apparently, after losing to the New York Knicks, interested species from across space and time kidnapped my Golden State Warriors in their search to find the most disappointing team in the galaxy and replaced them with Space Basketball Ninjas. They were a little rusty at first, losing to the Wizards by one point the following day. Since then, they were able to regroup under the replacement sorcerer imposter for Don Nelson and win 6 of their next 7, including wins against Detroit and ending Dallas's 17 game win streak. Hopefully they have peaceful intentions.

A Look Back at the 100th Post Extravaganza

Wow, last night was incredible. What a great party. Everybody showed up, even Sherman! Well, I had a great time and I took tons of pictures...

Unfortunately, former President Howard Taft lost all the film...that guy's really incompetant. All I have are some terrible pictures that Mao took.

As you can see, I have a lot of stupid friends. Looking back on the night, it really wasn't a lot of fun. For one, Dr. Strange snuck in. In the future, I won't give Khruschev the task of buying the cake:
...either he doesn't speak English or he's just a jerk. Probably both. Also, the entertainment provided was sub-par...

...I mean that baby wasn't funny at all...which leads me to my next complaint...


what the hell is that?? A duckodile? An alliduck? To be honest, the whole night was kind of ruined because of a bunch of hecklers outside who just wouldn't shut up:

To end on a warm note, here are some pictures of the Hamburg Sea Devils kicking ass against the lame Frankfurt Galaxy:How graceful.

100th Post Extravaganza! (Red Carpet Preview)

{Opening Music}

Spiderman: Here we are at the fabulous AOL Arena in Hamburg Germany, home of the Hamburg Sea Devils. Only one post left until the festivities begin. I'm here with John Madden. Are you excited, or what?

Madden: Oh, I'm excited. This is the kind of thing they're going to talk about for years.

Spiderman: Well, a few guests have already arrived, but there's plenty more to come...In fact, here's Andrew Carnegie! He made his first appearance on The Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived for a Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm. We're going to see a lot of guests from that fabulous series.

Madden: Yeah, some say that it is probably the strongest feature of the blog. You know, whenever you talk to guys about Carnegie they always say he's got a great feel of the game and he's also a huge rich prick.

Spiderman: I'll say...Now who's this? It's Solid Snake and Patricia Nixon! There's a bit of scandal associated with this, but let's try to avoid that.

Madden: These two anchor that line. They really are the first wall for the entire defense.

Spiderman: ..uh huh...ok, let's go down to Katie Couric who may have a big star.

Couric: That's right! We have Death himself!...did you ever think you'd get to be here.

Death: Well, I had my doubts. But the thing is, I never had a childhood where I dreamed of one day being in the Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived 100th Post Extravaganza, because well, I was never a child...I'm death.

Couric: Great. What's the first thing you're going to do tonight?

Death: Kill you...ho oh...I kid...I was hoping I could get some of those spring rolls, they look delicious.

Couric: Sounds like fun...back to you John and Peter.

Spiderman: Umm...you mean John and Spiderman, right. There's no Peter here. Nope, only John and me. As a matter of fact, I don't even know a single Peter. Do you know any John? I mean, I know you're new here, Katie, but you need to know who you're working with...It's just common courtesy. I mean, what if I called you Stephanie...it wouldn't be very professional, would it? Peter? where did that come from?

Couric: Sorry about that.

Spiderman: Oh, no problem. It's not like it's a big deal or anything. I mean I'm not concerned or...umm...just an easy mistake. It's not something I would fuss over,...

Madden: Can we move on?

Spiderman: Of course, of course. There's no reason to dwell in the past. I mean who cares if Katie used the wrong name. I don't even remember what she called me...it's so silly. Do you remember John? I sure don't.

Madden: Isn't that Sherman?

Spiderman: Yes, yes. That William Tecumseh Sherman-

Madden: Boom.

Spiderman: uh...yeah, Sherman. Many thought he'd be killed by Solid Snake by now, but nope, he's here. How exciting. He sure looks good with that perpetual 5 o'clock shadow...excellent fashion sense. ...And who's that up ahead? It's, yes, it's Aurora Snow with Machiavelli! The star couple. She looks fantastic-

Madden: and slutty.

Spiderman: -what a beautiful gown.

Madden: She's wearing a tube top with hot pants.

Spiderman: How graceful.

Spiderman: And now here comes Abigail Adams and Mao Zedong! Aren't they adorable? This is shaping to be a fantastic event? What do you think of Abigail's blue gown? A bit garish?

Madden: Well, Abigail can really give you a pounding up the middle. You can beat her deep, but if she's in the box, there's no way you're going to get anybody up there. (takes bite out of live chicken) Coach Cowher says she might be the biggest hitter in the game, and, you know, when he says something like that, you have to believe him.

Spiderman: I have no idea what you're talking about, but that's fine. (Grabs earpiece) So, I'm hearing that Katie Couric has someone else of interest down there. Who's there Katie?

Couric: None other than Dr. Strange! Now you appeared early in the site, but haven't made too many apperances...why?

Dr. Strange: To put it in a way simple minds like yourself could understand, I was able to disappear to a world and a plain of existence with properties that you could not even begin to imagine.

Couric: uh huh. What's the real reason?

Dr. Strange: Machiavelli said nobody liked me.

Couric: Fantastic, back to you Pete--oh, I mean Mr. Parker...oh shoot, I mean Spiderman.

Spiderman: Smooth...alright calm, calm...let's just finish up here...Who do you think came as the best dressed tonight, John?

Madden: Well, I thought John C. Calhoun made a huge impact. Over 200 yards passing and 3 touchdowns with only 1 interception...those are good numbers. I think he deserves the Duckwing of the game.

Spiderman: Well, we'll present it to him after the game...I mean Extravaganza...geez, he's even making me go crazy...It is now time for our featured presentation: The 100th Post Extravaganza..., right after these messages. [As zoom fades away] They don't pay me enough to do this sh*t.

Announcement

Due to an atrocious performance on the first day of March Madness, I have decided to unofficially retire from the sport of bracketing. It is clear that I am no good at it.



Warning!: This is post #98

Adam Anderson puntet wieder für die Hamburg Sea Devils – Shane Andrus neuer Kicker

Sh*t. This sounds bad. Maybe it's just because it's in German.








Link to article

March MAAADNESS!

I won't post my entire bracket, but I'll give you what I predicted before the tournament started Sweet Sixteen and on. After the games are played I'll make new predictions...

Sweet Sixteen:
Florida ----------------------Michigan St.
Maryland -------------------Texas

Notre Dame---------------- Washington St.
Wisconsin------------------ Georgetown

Kansas ----------------------Ohio State
Illinois -----------------------Tennessee

Duke (ouch) ----------------Texas A&M
Gonzaga (double oouch) --Memphis

Elite 8

Florida---------------------- Michigan St.
Wisconsin ------------------Washington St.

Kansas ---------------------- Ohio State
(does it matter?) Duke------ Memphis

Final Four
Wisconsin, Kansas, Washington St., (tough call...) Ohio State
Championship:
Wisconsin beats Washington St.

I encourage you all to visit...

Rarely do I make recommendations for my loyal fans, but this time I couldn't allow you guys to miss this. Check out the Hamburg Sea Devil official site. Here you'll find a lot of great information including a commercial begging you to come to their games and a countdown to their next game...only 30 days, 11 hours, 2 minutes, and 20 seconds left guys! I know I can't wait until their season opener against the Centurions either. God, do I hate those bastards.

Let's all have our fingers crossed for World Bowl XV. I think we have a good chance. I think head coach Jack Bicknell has done a good job rebuilding the team. I should also mention, for the ladies, that they are having tryouts for the "Sea Pearls" in a couple weeks, so get your pom-poms out of the closet and start practicing!

Lastly I'd like to remind everybody to always remember the Sea Devils motto: "It's not a game, it's a party!"

The Hamburg Sea Devils Are the Best Team Ever!

The Hamburg Sea Devils are the best team in the world. Nobody can beat them. I have decided to make them the official football team of this blog.


They have several big time stars. Their defense is lead by Aden Durd, their star linebacker. He is what's called a national...which means he's from a crappy country like England that doesn't know what football is. There he is, pictured right, making what coaches have convinced him is a save.


Despite the strength of their defense, the Sea Devils are known for their dynamic duo on offense. Often compared to Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison or Steve Young and Jerry Rice, Brock Berlin and Duke Wesley have combined for more receptions, touchdowns, and yellow cards than any other twosome in team history. With the addition of free-agent former 49er first round pick, Rashaun Woods, in the offseason the Sea Devils are poised to make a title run.

Naysayers might point out that the team is only two years old, but the fact remains that the Sea Devils were able to secure a strong spot in their division last year, finishing third, with the 6th best passing offense in the league. Strangely, they finished 6th in a lot of things. They were able to do this despite the mysterious death of their owner Barry Catnip (pictured below). The inspirational leader apparently took his own life after he found his wife with a Frankfurt Galaxy fan...what a slut.



Hopefully, the Sea Devils can finally reach their potential and win the World Championship.

Weekly Quote with Professor K

"Yes? No? Come on, nod your heads...or at least fake it. Yeah, fake it. I know all you fakers out there. I spent my whole life with fakers...actually I prefer it when they're faking...alright, let's move on."

Weekly Quotes with Dr. K

Sorry there wasn't one last week, but his wife got in an accident and class was canceled (that's a bit of a downer...if it helps comedy she was ok and also...think of a lion trying to peel an orange)...hehe

"You got to go home and put these in the microwave. Then you put 'em on a plate, not a paper towel. Because if you put them on a plate you can scoop, you know, all the stuff that melts off. See, it's tricks like that that allowed me to craft this physique. Yeah, you're all laughing now, but you're going to go home and you're going to try it, and you're going to put it on a plate. And then you're going to tell all your friends about it and say you came up with it on your own. But I CAME UP WITH IT!"

"You know why the streets in France are lined with trees? So that the Germans can march in the shade." (This, by the way, had nothing to do with lecture, which was about the Anglo-Zulu wars.)

"I'm not saying to practice all they preach...because that's what I have to say...but the rastafarians have a lot of interesting ideas."

Is John Edwards gay?

Recently, the classy Ann Coulter referred to presidential candidate John Edwards as a "faggot." (Here's the clip...obviously taken way out of context) While Coulter may have a point, I think we should be fair. Let's break down Edwards' policies and lifestyle and see if he is indeed 'gay' or a umm...Republican.

Item #1:
John Edwards launched his political career with his successful bid for senator of North Carolina.
Advantage: Republican...come on, North Carolina? clearly not gay.

Item#2:
Edwards made his money as a trial lawyer.
Advantage: tie...he made a lot of money, making him a Republican, but he did it by suing healthcare providers--a very gay move.

Item#3:
Edwards was the Vice-Presidential candidate on the Kerry ticket.
Advantage: Unclear. Depends on how many times he had sex with Kerry.

Item #4:
Edwards supports stem-cell research.
Advantage: Gay. Gays get off on eating/killing babies.

Item #5:
Edwards has worked to eliminate poverty.
Advantage: Well, let's just say he's not a Republican.

Item #6:
This Clip
Advantage: Gay, gay, gay, gay.

Item #7:
Edwards has called for American withdrawal from Iraq.
Advantage: Gay

Item #8:
Edwards appeared at a high profile rally with Ted Kennedy in support of minimum wage increases.
Advantage: Gay. I wonder if he sang Kennedy the birthday song.

Item#9:
One of Edward's stated campaign goals is to fight global warming.
Advantage: Really gay

Item #10:
Edwards has been accused of enlisting the support of campaign organizers who made anti-catholic remarks in the past.
Advantage: Interesting. Sounds both gay and Republican.

Well, the gays have it. I suppose Ann Coulter was right. John Edwards is a big fag.