100th Post Extravaganza! (Red Carpet Preview)

{Opening Music}

Spiderman: Here we are at the fabulous AOL Arena in Hamburg Germany, home of the Hamburg Sea Devils. Only one post left until the festivities begin. I'm here with John Madden. Are you excited, or what?

Madden: Oh, I'm excited. This is the kind of thing they're going to talk about for years.

Spiderman: Well, a few guests have already arrived, but there's plenty more to come...In fact, here's Andrew Carnegie! He made his first appearance on The Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived for a Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm. We're going to see a lot of guests from that fabulous series.

Madden: Yeah, some say that it is probably the strongest feature of the blog. You know, whenever you talk to guys about Carnegie they always say he's got a great feel of the game and he's also a huge rich prick.

Spiderman: I'll say...Now who's this? It's Solid Snake and Patricia Nixon! There's a bit of scandal associated with this, but let's try to avoid that.

Madden: These two anchor that line. They really are the first wall for the entire defense.

Spiderman: ..uh huh...ok, let's go down to Katie Couric who may have a big star.

Couric: That's right! We have Death himself!...did you ever think you'd get to be here.

Death: Well, I had my doubts. But the thing is, I never had a childhood where I dreamed of one day being in the Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived 100th Post Extravaganza, because well, I was never a child...I'm death.

Couric: Great. What's the first thing you're going to do tonight?

Death: Kill you...ho oh...I kid...I was hoping I could get some of those spring rolls, they look delicious.

Couric: Sounds like fun...back to you John and Peter.

Spiderman: Umm...you mean John and Spiderman, right. There's no Peter here. Nope, only John and me. As a matter of fact, I don't even know a single Peter. Do you know any John? I mean, I know you're new here, Katie, but you need to know who you're working with...It's just common courtesy. I mean, what if I called you Stephanie...it wouldn't be very professional, would it? Peter? where did that come from?

Couric: Sorry about that.

Spiderman: Oh, no problem. It's not like it's a big deal or anything. I mean I'm not concerned or...umm...just an easy mistake. It's not something I would fuss over,...

Madden: Can we move on?

Spiderman: Of course, of course. There's no reason to dwell in the past. I mean who cares if Katie used the wrong name. I don't even remember what she called me...it's so silly. Do you remember John? I sure don't.

Madden: Isn't that Sherman?

Spiderman: Yes, yes. That William Tecumseh Sherman-

Madden: Boom.

Spiderman: uh...yeah, Sherman. Many thought he'd be killed by Solid Snake by now, but nope, he's here. How exciting. He sure looks good with that perpetual 5 o'clock shadow...excellent fashion sense. ...And who's that up ahead? It's, yes, it's Aurora Snow with Machiavelli! The star couple. She looks fantastic-

Madden: and slutty.

Spiderman: -what a beautiful gown.

Madden: She's wearing a tube top with hot pants.

Spiderman: How graceful.

Spiderman: And now here comes Abigail Adams and Mao Zedong! Aren't they adorable? This is shaping to be a fantastic event? What do you think of Abigail's blue gown? A bit garish?

Madden: Well, Abigail can really give you a pounding up the middle. You can beat her deep, but if she's in the box, there's no way you're going to get anybody up there. (takes bite out of live chicken) Coach Cowher says she might be the biggest hitter in the game, and, you know, when he says something like that, you have to believe him.

Spiderman: I have no idea what you're talking about, but that's fine. (Grabs earpiece) So, I'm hearing that Katie Couric has someone else of interest down there. Who's there Katie?

Couric: None other than Dr. Strange! Now you appeared early in the site, but haven't made too many apperances...why?

Dr. Strange: To put it in a way simple minds like yourself could understand, I was able to disappear to a world and a plain of existence with properties that you could not even begin to imagine.

Couric: uh huh. What's the real reason?

Dr. Strange: Machiavelli said nobody liked me.

Couric: Fantastic, back to you Pete--oh, I mean Mr. Parker...oh shoot, I mean Spiderman.

Spiderman: Smooth...alright calm, calm...let's just finish up here...Who do you think came as the best dressed tonight, John?

Madden: Well, I thought John C. Calhoun made a huge impact. Over 200 yards passing and 3 touchdowns with only 1 interception...those are good numbers. I think he deserves the Duckwing of the game.

Spiderman: Well, we'll present it to him after the game...I mean Extravaganza...geez, he's even making me go crazy...It is now time for our featured presentation: The 100th Post Extravaganza..., right after these messages. [As zoom fades away] They don't pay me enough to do this sh*t.