Quotes, cont.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

For Posterity...

Watch #52 Carefully:


Yes, that's a MLB chasing down a wide receiver. His name is Patrick Willis...write that down.




Bonus: Soccer Bloopers

Deacon Jones is one crazy Mamma-Jamma

A New FEATURE!!!

This blog just doesn't stop...an avalanche of new features and updates.

Today's new feature will be a "Quote of the Week." It will probably be one of the best features this blog has had in a while.

Anyway, let's start things off with a quote by the late G.K. Chesterton...take your time to fully savor this one...





"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."

Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm is BACK!!!!!!

I did promise a return to more substantive updates and what could be more substantive than a Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm about the upcoming presidential primaries?

I don't mean to brag, but I've really assembled an all star panel this week. Including myself, the moderator, we'll have the following guests, all of which have been following the upcoming primaries in Iowa and New Hampshire closely, in attendance:


Hannibal Hamlin: Lincoln's first Vice-President, considered by most historians to be America's best, most forgettable second in command.














Johnny Johnson: Editor of the Des Moines Register

















Death: No explanation needed





















A Ninja

For more info, see this






















An Elephant in Musk

















Luke Cage, bitches

(via satellite)









Sr. Domanguez: Pillsbury's Mexican Cousin. Also is probably just the doughboy acting out personal stereotypes about what a Mexican person is.















Machiavelli: Before we start, I should mention that we're having some technical problems communicating with Luke Cage. We'll get to him as the situation improves. Also, the elephant called ahead and said he would be late because of traffic. Alright to begin, let's talk about Mike Huckabee, who's recently surged in Iowa. Mr. Johnson, how do you account for Huckabee's recent success?

Johnson: Well, Huckabee has a strong evangelical base and he has been attracting attention because of his populist economic stances. We'll wait and see if some of his faux paus catch up to him by election time.

Ninja: Huckabee has made a lot of bad decisions in the campaign. He needs to learn how to decide better from a ninja...Ninjas have to make snap decisions all the time... The time it takes for Huckabee to make a decision, a ninja would already have made 24 decisions and his decision and they're not easy decisions...a ninja might have to decide whether or not to kill somebody with one touch on the shoulder or kill 'em while hanging down from this rope and throwing a ninja star right through the heart. One time I had to decide whether to kill this cyclopigator: that's a cyclops alligator...you know one with one eye...a big eye... or Jay Leno...that was a tough decision...so I killed both of them! [wham wham] in hindsight maybe I should have just left them alone because that cyclopigator would have eaten Jay Leno anyway...you don't want to mess with a cyclopigator, those guys are vicious. And the Jay Leno you think is Jay Leno is not Jay Leno, because I killed the real Jay Leno. The Jay Leno you see is a robot with a steak on its chin..So Huckabee needs to make more ninja-like decisions, but also watch his back because there's probably a bunch of ninjas trying to kill him...I'm just kidding, if a ninja we're trying to kill Huckabee he would have been dead before he thought about thinking about running for president... Huckabee's doing a good job of capturing the minds of voters, but he's not doing it like a ninja...if a ninja was capturing the minds of voters he would use this crazy hook...throwing...rope...thing and rip out everyone's brains with it...and they would all bleed to death on their way to the polling station, but I would not advise that.

Death: This guy's sick.

Machiavelli: Really? I think he's hilarious.

Hamlin: When are we going to get to the pie?

Death: Pie?

Machiavelli: shh...I told him there would be pie. It's the only way I could him to come...back from the dead.

Domanguez: hey, senor, I could make food. I'm known for making great encheladas. I put da peppers in with da rice...and then then I mix it and it is delishious. Senor Gringo you would like, no?

Machiavelli: that sounds pretty good...yeah go ahead. Make sure you make it with corn tortillas though. My stupid-ass brother likes it with flour tortillas.

Domanguez: Oh no no...senhor...never use flour tortillas...that is, how do you say?, not is good...sh*tty?

Machiavelli: I like this guy...you know this discussion is going much better than any of the previous ones.

Death: What was that?

Machiavelli: what?

Domanguez: I didn't hear nothing, senor.

Ninja: I heard it. Ninjas have super hearing. When ninjas are being trained, one ninja stands like in Alaska while the trainee is in Texas and then the ninja in Alaska whispers a number between 1 and a billion and if the trainee ninja doesn't say that number within 1 second he's killed immediately...brutally...really brutally. After that, the next step is flight. You have to jump up and not land for at least 3 hours...and if you come down before that, they kill you...and it has to be exactly 3 hours...if it's 10 seconds more, they kill you for that too.

Machiavelli: Wait, there it was again.

Death: Is that the door? Should we answer it?

Machiavelli: Well...wait...it stopped. (goes to door, looks in peephole) well, there's nothing there...strange...Anyway, we're getting confirmation that Luke Cage is finally here via satellite. So, Mr. Cage, do you think Obama can close the gap in Iowa and challenge Hillary?

Cage: [satellite pause] I'm sorry I'm having troub---hearing y--. I just finished chaining a lot of bitches----------ice--------then I took his head--- into floor----over and over----badass---------ood everywhere....

Ninja: Did you use the dragon breath kick to the back of the liver?

Machiavelli: I'm sorry Mr. Cage we can't seem to fix our connection problems. Maybe we'll get you back here during the next Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm.

Death: Aren't these supposed to be twice a month? Not 6 times in one month and then not again for 5 months?

Machiavelli: shut up.

Hamlin: These enchiladas are delicious.

Johnson: yeah, these are much better than the ones we have in Des Moines.

Domanguez: gracias

Machiavelli: hmm...maybe we should move on...so, Senor Domanguez, what impact do you think the latino vote will have on this year's election?

Domanguez: I can no speak for all of Mexicanoes, but I think Obama has--

Death: wait, there it was again...did you hear it this time?

Johnson: spooky

Domanguez: could be a chupacabra.

Ninja: chupacabras don't knock...maybe it's a chupacabra door-to-door encyclopedia salesman...an encycloalesacabra.

Machiavelli: that one was stupid.

Death: Hey, Hamlin, you're dead...why don't you go answer it.

Hamlin: alright, alright. [opens door]. Oh! it's just an elephant...hey you guys should see this, it's wearing a cute FedEx hat...and a matching jacket...he looks adorable. Hey, oh a package? It had a package wrapped in its trunk...oh, it's for me? ok...[opens package] what is this? Oh no...no! this is my son's pocket watch...how did you get this? I thought this was destroyed when he was...when he was mysteriously trampled to death...wait...only the...how did you get this???...you sick bastard! how could you do this? He was finally putting his life back together...You f*cking elephant...you'll pay...oh you'll pay......what's this? a note?...'YOU...R...nex...t'

Machiavelli: that was weird.

Death: elephants are scary

Machiavelli: Well, that ends this week's Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm...stay tuned one half month for our next edition...BYE BYE.

Still 5 games back

Once again, I tied with KJ. The good news is that since I used this statue, I haven't lost any games to him...


Anyway, on to next week...

Steelers over Rams
Cowboys over Panthers
Bills over Giants
Saints over Eagles
Jags over Raiders
Browns over Bengals
Packers over Bears
Colts over Texans
Cardinals over Falcons
Bucs over 9ers
Titans over Jets
Seahawks over Ravens
Patriots over Dolphins
Vikings over Redskins
Chargers over Denver

The final Primus post

Tommy the Cat



Here's a clip from live version to see how he does the it in real time...go about 1 minute 20 seconds in for it to start.



Believe it or not, I can play the main riff from this song...sloppily

THERE...I decorated

This is really weird.

Fashion News

This piece of sh*t from Dooney and Burke costs $265.


This amazing Polo wallet costs $85

This shoe costs $320. If you have two feet, it'll cost you $720.



When the Revolution comes, try to be the first against the wall.

The Return of the Doughboy

It's the Return of the ..."Oh, wait, no way, he didn't just say what I think he did he?"
And Machiavelli said...nothing you idiots! Machiavelli's dead, he's locked up in my oven!
Feminist Women love Pop'n'Fresh:
"Pillsbury, I'm sick of him. Look at him, bouncing around, wearing that you-know-what, cooking the you-know-who," "Yeah, but he's so insane though!"
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose. But no worse, then what's going on in your parents' kitchen.
Sometimes, I wanna get on the Stove and just let loose, but can't, but it's cool for Machiavelli to Diatribe all day.
'Democrats this...Republicans that...And if I'm lucky you'll vote for me'
And that's the message that we tell all our bloggers
And expect them not to know what a voting machine is
Of course they gonna know what the electoral system is by the time they hit 4th grade.
They got CSPAN don't they?

But if you cook like I cook, I got the ingredient, Chefs wave your spatulas, sing the chorus, how does it go?:

Cause I'm Pop'n'Fresh, yes I'm the real Doughboy
All the other Doughboys are just imitating
So won't the real Doughboy please hop up,please hop up, please hop up?


Cause I'm Pop'n'Fresh, yes I'm the real Doughboy
All the other Doughboys are just imitating
So won't the real Doughboy please hop up,please hop up, please hop up?

---

Did you like it? That was my completely original new song that I totally invented all by myself. Yeah, I know... I am SO cool.

Wow. It's glad to be back. Death and I have spent the last couple of months in my homeland, URAM. We spent most of the time looking for my old elementary school. 3 months later we found out that I never went to school. Boy!, was my face red!

Anyway, we finally left the cooking capital of the world and headed towards our new destination: Asianland.

Asianland is an exciting nation full of exotic people.

Everyone was so nice and not mean to me at all.

The only problem was that everyone was pushy and mean to me. They kept saying things like, "Stop desecrating our crazy temples," and "That's not a spittoon. That's our national flag." WHAT JERKS! The nerve of these Asianlanders.

One thing I should warn everyone about: Bangkok is NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, like I thought it would be. Talk about false advertising. However, I must admit that the city inspired a new recipe for me: the Bangkok Biscuit. Death said I wasn't allowed to say what's in it.

Probably the highlight of the trip was seeing the Great Ball. That thing was huge. It's the only ball that can be seen from space...that I know of.

Oh, we also saw the Great Wall. That was a huge disappointment. I don't see why it's so great. These snobby Asianlanders. They call everything "Great" over there.

Another great place was TinyMan square. I don't know why they call it that, but whatever. Apparently, it's the squarest place in the world and is the only square that can be seen from outer space. I guess it was squarey...


To get there we took an Asianland "car." Asianland cars are a lot like tanks in America. They're pretty cool. They're the only cars that can be seen from outer space. Anyway, on the way there we had to stop because this stupid jerk with shopping bags wouldn't get out of the way. I wanted the driver to just run him down, but the driver said that was against the rules of Asianland. What a stupid country.If they had followed my advice they wouldn't have had so much traffic over there.

I was really thrilled to meet up with my cousin, ChinaDoughMan. He met us at the airport, but he couldn't be our tour guide. He was too busy doing math problems or something. I don't know what he said, but i just assume it was math problems. Asianlanders do math problems instead of playing sports...man these Beijing Olympics this summer are going to be SOO boring.

All in all, Asianland was lame. It was the stupidest place we've been to so far. Did you know that in Asianland they worship Elephants. Honest to God, freaking Elephants. That's why I loved it so much. Elephants are so cool, they have these long noses and some people say they have special powers. I can't wait to become a Buddhist!

Next week we'll visit China.

Important Announcement!

For all intents and purposes, I'm finished with school this semester...HUZZAH!!!

That means that this blog will rely less on video clips for updates...Double HUZZAH!!!

Stay Tuned.

More Primus (w/ background info)

Here's some boring background info to this clip:

After Cliff Burton, Metallica's original bassist who happened to go to the same high school as my mom, was killed when he fell out of and then was trapped under a bus, Metallica held auditions for replacements. Apparently, among the finalists was Les Claypool. Finally, the members of Metallica decided against him, claiming: "He's got his own thing goin,'" which was their way of saying this guy is scary good. Anyway, they instead chose some guy named Jason Newstead who was pretty plain. He later left the band. Claypool, very disappointed, decided to get his own thing goin' and created Primus, which as these clips have shown, is nearly unlistenable, but amazing. In any case, Primus has done a few covers of Metallica songs, but they're very hard to find. One such is the following. Here, we get a glimpse of what Metallica could have been if they were a little more open-minded with Primus' rendition of the intro to Master of Puppets...enjoy.

I finally found 'em

I've been looking all over for these, but I finally found them...

(still not youtube)

So Sad...

Report: Nation�s Wealthy Cruelly Deprived Of True Meaning Of Christmas

Another week...

YES! I gained a game back on KJ this week. I was pretty impressive, going 13-3. This means that I'm only 5 games behind now.

The statue might be good luck------>


Next week:
Texans over Broncos
Bengals over 49ers
Seahawks over Panthers
Bucs over Falcons
Packers over Rams
Steelers over Jags
Cardinals over Saints
Browns over Bills
Titans over Chiefs
Ravens over Dolphins
Pats over Jets
Colts over Raiders
Chargers over Broncos
Cowboys over Eagles
Redskins over Giants
Vikings over Bears

Primus continues

6 string basses are cool...

Serj Tankian (AKA Signor Giordano) is Amazing

AND WITH TOP HAT!!!:

hmmm...I thought this would be better:

Should Animals Be Doing More For The Animal Rights Movement?

Death Bed: The Bed that Eats People

alright alright...that's the last you tuber I'm going to do. I know, you're all tired of them.



Of course, the Primus videos will continue, though:

Interested in Harrowing Tales?

Check this out


It was good, but a little predictable. Not a single flying octopus...tsk tsk

For my entertainment

I saw this a while ago and I thought it was hilarious. It's not for everyone, but I liked it a lot. It also has Spanish subtitles, which is always good.

more Primus

this one's weird, even for me

A New Feature:

Primus Music Videos (I thought I'd start posting these just to annoy Robert)



Wynona's Big Brown Beaver

ps. Primus sucks.com

Finally!!!! A Rant Almost Worthy of My Hatred Towards Them

Offical View

After reading a completely asinine article on the subject, I think I should officially discuss the rules that I think the NFL should adopt to improve the game:

-Adopt College style overtimes (or don't have them at all)
-Fumbles by the offense into the opposing endzone, if not recovered, should be given back to the offense at the 20 yard line.
-No more reviews of the spot of the ball
-Allow reviews of field goals
-No forceouts (if he doesn't get his feet in, it's incomplete no matter how hard he gets hit)
-Only 3 preseason games (possibly 17 regular season games)
-Get rid of strict Division vs. Division play in order to encourage progressive scheduling (worse teams have easier schedule, better teams have harder schedule)
-Allow Arena League style forward motion before the ball is snapped
-I know it's crazy, but...allow offensive holding as long as arms aren't grabbed, hands stay below the neck, no pulling on jersey if the defender gets past lineman, and no bear hugs.

Are you kidding me?

I was bored last night and I started watching the Golden State-Miami game. Miami was clearly going to win, but I just kept watching. Miami led by at least 10 for almost the entire second half...
And then, out of nowhere, in the last 4 minutes, the Warriors scored a flurry of points and won the game handily. I was in disbelief. It was amazing. This may be the most exciting professional sports team to watch...ever. Too bad they're playing basketball. Highlights


Anyway, here is an article off of ESPN explaining why the Warriors are so awesome:

<<

OAKLAND -- Think about what life would be like if the world operated under the same principles as the Golden State Warriors. Hot fudge sundaes would be nutritious and help you lose weight. Whale-sized sport-utility vehicles would get 50 miles per gallon. "I Love New York" would be up for an Emmy.

The thing about the Warriors is they make no sense. Basketball at the professional level isn't supposed to work this way. In the mixed-up Warrior World, one-on-four pull-up jump shots are encouraged, not punished; a player who has been suspended six times is a source of inspiration and stability; and guys called Mully and Nellie are considered the masterminds of the operation.

The same blueprint that created the greatest playoff upset in NBA history has been rolled out again, and it has turned the Warriors into one of the league's hottest teams. They are the single greatest argument for ordering League Pass (and, for you East Coasters, picking up a case of Red Bull).

If you've been watching them, you've seen the most entertaining squad in the league. And maybe you have come to the same realization I have: There's nothing you can do to stop their style. You know how you don't want to fight a crazy guy, because you don't know what he is going to do? The same thought applies here. If the Warriors are going to shoot the first 25-footer they see, is there really any way to defend against it?

Take general manager Chris Mullin's explanation for how small ball can work.

On defense, "They can throw it in the post, we can go double and get it out of that guy's hands," Mullin said.

But at the other end, with a bunch of small players spreading the floor …

"If you're a big guy, what do you do?" Mullin said. "You're going to come get me, then you're leaving somebody open by the basket."

Spend enough time around these guys, and it starts to make sense.

"It's a lot more organized than what it seems," Baron Davis said.

It starts with rule No. 1 from coach Don Nelson: Shoot the ball.

"He actually said, 'Don't worry about making it,'" Austin Croshere said. "You have to take that shot in order to get the defense to extend to open things up. It's within certain parts of our offense. To get the ball into the corner, you have to get that guy out there."

With an open floor, Davis or Stephen Jackson or Monta Ellis can drive by his man and get to the hoop. Andris Biedrins has room to score inside. He's not much of a true low-post option, so their inside-out game can come from the guard's penetration. They can suck in defenders and throw it back out for another 3-pointer -- the Warriors attempt a league-high 27 per game.

On Monday night against the Orlando Magic, Jackson took at least three shots that would get him benched on most squads. Warriors in transition, defenders back, no teammates inside the 3-point arc -- and Jackson just launched. No repercussions at all. Not even a dirty look.

"It's like playing at the YMCA," Jackson said. "You play your best game when you're not looking over your shoulder."

I asked Nelson what he considers a bad shot. "One that doesn't go in," he said.

"What you see is a lot of freedom," Davis said. "You see everybody has an opportunity to be themselves.

"You come to this team, there's two things you're going to do: You're going to play hard, and you're going to have fun. That's what we do, and it shows out there on the floor."

They're having fun in the stands, too. The Warriors always provide one of the best arena experiences in the league, with a live band playing mellow Mary J. Blige and Michael Jackson tunes before tipoff, good tunes mixed in during the game and fans who do their part by cheering the hustle plays just as loudly as the big dunks.

And now the product matches the production. Mullin has done a good job of shedding the long-term, expensive contracts of Mike Dunleavy, Derek Fisher and Troy Murphy, while getting the right mix of players for this system, including guys who were unwanted or unsuccessful elsewhere. Matt Barnes' scoring average doubled last season, his first with the Warriors. Jackson got a fresh start after a tenure with the Indiana Pacers that was most notable for his throwing punches in the stands at the Palace of Auburn Hills and firing shots in the air after an altercation at a strip club.

Jackson is proof nothing -- not prime real estate, not precious metals -- appreciates in value like a championship ring for a player who moves on. On the next team, that ring will translate into either an overpriced contract or Godfather-level respect. When the Warriors signed Derek Fisher for $36 million over six years in 2004, it was an example of the former. Jackson is an example of the latter. He was the biggest question mark on the San Antonio Spurs' championship squad in 2003. You never knew if you would get a 3-pointer or a turnover from him.

With the Warriors, he's a source of inspiration. He plays with confidence, and it spreads.

"The guys on my team know that, the best player on their team, I'm going to make him work," Jackson said.

The Warriors were 1-6 while he served a seven-game suspension for the shooting incident. Since he returned, they're 9-2. Going back to the end of last season, the Warriors have won 25 of their past 32 regular-season games in which Jackson has played.

The key phrase there is "regular season." As dramatic as their first-round victory over the top-seeded Dallas Mavericks was, the Utah Jazz's disciplined approach won out in the Western Conference semifinals. The Phoenix Suns are the only team playing a style similar to that of the Warriors, and their Steve Nash-led group hasn't reached the NBA Finals. No team coached by Nelson has, either.

Everyone's waiting for the percentages to catch up with the Warriors. Take enough outside shots, and eventually, you'll miss the majority of them. Go with a small lineup, and you'll sacrifice rebounds. Last year's magical run almost didn't happen; the Warriors didn't clinch a playoff spot until the last game of the season.

"We were an eighth seed," Mullin said. "But if we get in, we're dangerous."

They're the crazy guys. You don't take them that seriously at first. But you don't really want to mess with them.>>

Results and Predictions

KJ gained another game on me, making his lead 6 games. My record for the season is now 129-77.


Next Week:

Skins over Bears
Jax over Panthers
Bills over Dolphins
Titans over Chargers
Texans over Bucs
Packers over Raiders
Cowboys over Lions
Eagles over Giants
Rams over Bengals
Seahawks over Cardinals
Vikings over 9ers
Broncos over Chiefs
Patriots over Steelers
Browns over Jets
Colts over Ravens
Saints over Falcons

After exhaustive research:

I have chosen the worst video game in history with respect to its time period.

As reviewed by the Angry Video Nerd:



Link

hehe

Poll: Mitt Romney Is Candidate Most Voters Want To Get Into Bar Fight With

Hot Sandwich Action...

ok, so for the record, do not do a google search for the above title. These people are sick sick sick I tell you!

We (Leonhard Euler, and Machiavelli) decided to do a special interest posting pandering to the pro sandwich viewer base out there (our focus groups indicated that we are missing a good deal of support in the "stinkin' cute" demographic, and they seem to enjoy sandwiches more than most people, and by that of course we mean that they enjoy sandwiches more than they enjoy most people (yes its stolen from HSR, so what??)) so with out further adieu... blatant sandwich postings!!! ( I just hit my head trying to type with my head. I'm such an idiot. never forget that. I Machiavelli am an idiot. let that go down into the annuls of time!!!)

This one looked pretty darn tasty. Are those sun dried tomatoes, or some sort of pepper?










As much as I hate to admit it, this is one of the most attractive ham sandwiches I have ever come across. Look at the presentation too! This sandwich really knows how to get my blood pumping.










For the breakfast crowd among you, this interesting sandwich combines both the ideas of pancakes, and sandwiches. Brilliantly lame.









I wanted to do something like this for the turkey bowl BBQ, but everyone kept telling me we didn't have the budget. Also, the logistics seemed to get pretty tricky pretty fast. Like how are we going to find refrigerator space for that many whole dill pickles, and where on earth are we going to find all those cute American flags!?






So you like them a little fresher than that last one? here is one about as fresh as you can get without being a breakfast sandwich. Get it? "Chicken" sandwich? Chickens lay eggs? You eat Eggs for breakfast? There was a breakfast Sandwich posted earlier? HA HA! This stuff should not even be legal, but luckily there are very few laws protecting the dignity of chickens, seeing as how they have none, even as children.





This hot little number goes out to those of you who like BOTH Cats and Sandwiches. You know who you are. You're SICK! (speaking of which, we hope you are getting over your cold, demographic,,,,,,,,,,(i really have no idea why i was told to put those commas in there... it doesn't make any sense by all accounts):)












For the grand Finale we decided to break tradition, and post a hottie with a sandwich, instead of a hot sandwich. Its a little untraditional, but I think it works.

Happy Sunday Everyone!