Prepare to Have Your Mind Blown Open: Conspiracy Consensus #2

Do you recognize the man to the right? He is Rafik Hariri, the assasinated prime minister of Lebanon. Soon after the assasination numerous suspects were put forth, among them Hezbollah and Syria. A UN investigation was inconclusive.

In my upcoming book: "The Hariri Conspiracy and Why My Blog is Awesome and Robert is Starting to Copy My Format Because His Blog is so Utterly Lame," I expose the real culprit.

You see, it all goes back to the eyebrows. As you may have noticed, they are not natural. They are not cheap either. Eyebrow enhancers are made from a fine material, Ridiculousium, that is ridiculously difficult to extract and only found in a few places in the world. Incidentally, the largest source is in Southern Lebanon. Hariri became a Ridiculousium tycoon by buying up all the sources and integrating the production facilities. The result was a virtual monopoly.

Now here's where geo-politics comes in. The United States consumes 85% of the world's Ridculousium. Many neo-conservatives feared that since so little Ridiculousium is found in the United States, that our nation could become vulnerable to the whims of Hariri, especially since Ridiculousium is a vital ingredient to American Apache Helicopters.

Let's just say that it was no coincidence that on February 13, 2005, Hariri met with his executive board to radically increase the price of Ridiculousium in time for Valentine's Day. I say no coincidence, because he was killed the following day.

To truly see the link we must flash over to the man on the right, John R. Bolton. As you may know, Bolton is the U.S. ambassador to the U.N. What was Bolton doing before he was ambassador, you might ask? While Hariri held a virtual monopoly on Ridiculousium, Bolton himself a wealthy investor owned Bolton, Inc. the chief competitor to Hariri Ltd. Apparently Bolton jumped on Ridiculousium after purchase of his mustache.

So, what does Bolton have to do with Hariri? To put it bluntly, Bolton orchestrated Hariri's assasination. Bolton hoped that doing so would break the Ridiculousium monopoly. According to documents that I have uncovered, Bolton employed a group of Latvian assasins to carry out his plot, pictured below:
Once Hariri was killed, Bolton believed he would have free reign in Southern Lebanon. However, the executive board of Hariri Ltd., was able to consolidate its production and maintain the monopoly with the help of Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Bolton, frustrated, pursued more extreme tactics. Using his friends in high places, Bolton was able to secure the ambassadorship to the U.N. a month after the assasination. He then pursued his new plan.

Bolton's new plan was even more deviant than the first. Using U.N. connections, Bolton contacted Israel's Secretary of the Interior, Ronni Bar-On (Pictured to the right), another investor in Ridiculousium. Maneuvering inside the Israeli government, Bolton and Bar-On were able to come up with a grand conspiracy.

As you may remember, this summer Isreal invaded Southern Lebanon in response attacks on Hezbollah. But, as sources that I have found have shown, there never was such an attack. The entire episode was staged. But what would Bolton gain from such an invasion? Well, firstly, Israel was able to occupy the Ridiculousium mines and kick out Hariri Ltd. As you may remember, Israel than called on, who else?, the U.N.! to occupy a buffer zone in between Israel and Lebanon. The buffer zone just happens to include almost all of the Ridiculousium mines. And who did the U.N. employ to extract these zones? Well, let's take a look at the U.N.'s three man panel overlooking production in Southern Lebanon:

Enrico Rodriguez: Influential Spanish Businessman with close connections to the Carlisle Group











Ali Dini-ala-Jeed: Eccentric member of Saudi Royal Family. May have connections to Osama Bin Laden.











The last one, as you may have guessed it, is none other than John Bolton. Look through the looking glass here people. Don't believe what they tell you.

Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm #2

Well, as we all know, starting next year the Democrats will have control of both the House and Senate for the first time since 1994. How will they deal with President Bush? Will they really reform Washington? What will happen in Iraq?

To answer these questions, and some others I've assembled a team of pundits, analysts, and specialists. Let's introduce them first:

Dick Cheney (Republican)
Vampire







Mark Foley (Democrat)
Internet Enthusiast












The Grim Reaper (Independent)
Death












Nikita Khruschev (Communist Party of America)
Soviet Premier, Stamp Collector, Son of Ukrainian Peasants













Sir Galahad (Independent)
Knight of the Round Table, Achieved the Holy Grail, Good Listener












Galactus (Galactic Republican)
Devour of Worlds













Machiavelli: Alright, so let's get started. Let's begin with Mr. Cheney. Now I'm sure you have a lot to say about the election that happened a few weeks ago. Let's start with the situation in Iraq. The day after the election, Rummsfeld was forced to resign. Do you think that was the right decision?

Cheney: We're going to kill them all! Everyone last one of those f*ckers. Drink their blood and nuke the towelheads. Goddamned...goddamend ahh...eat those sand n

Foley: What the hell is wrong with him.

Cheney: (Foams at mouth)

Death: Jesus Christ, he's lost his mind.

Galactus: I don't think he is a good representative of our party.

Machiavelli: Let's just pretend that never happened. Let's move on to Mr. Krhuschev. (Cheney begins to slam head into table) Do you have any insight on such a reversal of fortune for the Republicans?

Khruschev: We shall bury you. The Soviet motherland has entered a period of full-scale construction of communism along a wide front of projects. The capitalists will soon collapse under the weight of their own exploitation...

Death: And what is he talking about?

Foley: I think he's building himself into a frenzy.

Khruschev: (Bangs shoe on podium)

Galahad: That's kind of a wierd accent.

Death: Not really. He was raised in Ukraine.

Machiavelli: Who cares. So far, this is not going well. What about you Foley? (Cheney falls over exhausted). Since you may have been a part of the Republican's fall from grace, (Khruschev raises voice: "The future is socialism. The era of greed..." Machaivelli raises voice and throws pen at Khruschev) you certainly must have some relevant insights.

Foley: Well I

Galahad: Hey, Death...did you see those pictures of Britney Spears?

Death: Yeah. What the hell is up with that. Frieking crazy. At least we know she sh

Machiavelli: Alright, alright. Please stop the interruptions you too. Let's just stick to the topic.

Khruschev: (starts to loosen pants) We must strive to accelerate progress in both agriculture (now has a cuckoo clock in his hand for some reason) and industry. Without which we (now puts clock inside his pants...) will be vulnerable to...

Foley: Can I please answer the question?

Galactus: (Eats committee except for Death...because...well...you can't eat Death...also Machiavelli was taking a bathroom break or something.)

Death: Well, I'm glad that's over.

Machiavelli: So am I.

Death. Can I go home now.

Machiavelli: Sure. To Norway, right?

Death: Huh? Oh yeah...to Norway.

Machiavelli: This is definantly the last one we're doing.

Stay tuned for next week's installment of Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm.

Clip Clearinghouse

Because I was on hiatus for so long, some of my clips got backed up. Some were supposed to go into the election special, some are just overdue:

Not for the Feint of Heart

Rummy

Cheney

ATHF Trailer

Mortal Kombat: Soccer

Conspiracy Consensus #1

One of the respondants to this site, as you may have noticed took exception to some, what I aknowledge as cryptic, comments I made. He asked if the photograph of the sniper cat was "the shooter who shot JFK." I replied, "No, that is the cat that shot JFK." To which, he retorted, "I said shooter that shot JFK, not person." ...Such naive simple-mindedness.

Apparently, that reader of this site does not know the whole story of the JFK assasination. You see, I identified the picture as the "cat that shot JFK" because there were several snipers, a cat amongst them. Thus, it makes no sense to ask if it was the shooter.
It has been proven, without a shadow of a doubt that the JFK assasination was organized and carried out by a number of individuals. Calling themselves PETA, the guerilla group succesffully orchestrated perhaps the largest conspiracy in American History. Numerous theories have been suggested as to why this group would go so far as to kill the president. Only by knowing all involved can one come to a coherent conclusion:

Webster the Cat: Marine, trained in long-range riflery. Shot the majic (with a j) bullet.








Sir Thomas Skidmore: Her Majesty's Airforce. The giraffe that can be seen behind the grassy knoll.















Lippi "Dalmation" Scaloni: Boyhood friend of Webster. Suspected links with the mob and Hoffa.










Luis de la Cuesta: Cuban exile. Angry at JFK because of Bay of Pigs.







Snowball: Not as angry about the Bay of Pigs, but thought JFk was trying to overthrow his Animal Farm









Goose McCallister: Wealthy Businessman (umm...businessgoose), who stood to make millions from the Vietnam War.














Kitty Thompson: Cathouse Owner. "Friends" with Lee Harvey Oswald. May have organized Oswald's killing. Committed suicide in 1965.






Alf the Alpaca. Alpaca. Double CIA Agent Working for the Soviet Union. Had Business Dealings with Richard Nixon and Robert Kennedy.






George Potzowitz: Trained in tank tactics. Possibly explains the tank shells found in JFK's body during the autopsy.








Well, I think it's plainly obvious what really happaned. Look through the looking glass people. Let's just say it was no coincidence that relations between animals and man would never be the same.

Officially OFF HIATUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try to contain your excitement, but "The Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived" is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must apologize. Legal action forced me to halt my publication of this blog. It seems that the U.S. government finds this site to be a threat to its very existence. I can't blame them. A couple of weeks ago, a California Supreme Court ordered that I could no longer post on this site. Luckily I was able to take my case before the Supreme Court. In highly unusual circumstances, I, a non-qualified blogger, was allowed to personally argue my case. What's even more surprising was that I won!

Here's the opinion from Chief Justice Roberts in Gonzalez vs. Machiavelli: The Court finds that the case against Machiavelli is unconstitutional. The arguement that an organization, group, or individual can be a threat to the national security of the nation simply by being so popular is unconvincing. The second arguement put forth by the government, that according to the 4th amendment, which states, "the government may put a stop to any publication it believes is too powerful," has also been successfully challenged as it has been proven that such language does not actually appear in the constitution. We would like to thank Mr. Machiavelli for demonstrating this to the court, using his High School textbook.

Phew...who knew 11th grade could be so important.

Anyway, now that the site has been reincarnated...I have more announcements:
There will be a NEW FORMAT to the site.

One new weekly feature will explore conspiracies. A theory is a guess or an idea. A theory in science becomes the consensus when it is proved within a reasonable doubt. Thus, the new feature will be called Conspiracy Consensus.

Another feature, drawing upon the success of eariler posts, will be the bi-monthly panel discussion committee that I will assemble every couple weeks to cover important issues. It will be called the Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm.

The changes in the site will undoubtedly attract hundreds of millions new fans.

P.s. There are exactly 41 exclamation points in this post! 42.

Officially ON HIATUS

ELECTION SPECIAL: Part I

Part I of the three part critically acclaimed "Election Special," features a couple clips:


Hunting

Stupidity

An apology: This section was going to have more clips, but youtube has taken everything with copyright infringements (a.k.a. anything worth watching) off their site. This may be the end of "highlighted clip of the week."