Prepare to Have Your Mind Blown Open: Conspiracy Consensus #2

Do you recognize the man to the right? He is Rafik Hariri, the assasinated prime minister of Lebanon. Soon after the assasination numerous suspects were put forth, among them Hezbollah and Syria. A UN investigation was inconclusive.

In my upcoming book: "The Hariri Conspiracy and Why My Blog is Awesome and Robert is Starting to Copy My Format Because His Blog is so Utterly Lame," I expose the real culprit.

You see, it all goes back to the eyebrows. As you may have noticed, they are not natural. They are not cheap either. Eyebrow enhancers are made from a fine material, Ridiculousium, that is ridiculously difficult to extract and only found in a few places in the world. Incidentally, the largest source is in Southern Lebanon. Hariri became a Ridiculousium tycoon by buying up all the sources and integrating the production facilities. The result was a virtual monopoly.

Now here's where geo-politics comes in. The United States consumes 85% of the world's Ridculousium. Many neo-conservatives feared that since so little Ridiculousium is found in the United States, that our nation could become vulnerable to the whims of Hariri, especially since Ridiculousium is a vital ingredient to American Apache Helicopters.

Let's just say that it was no coincidence that on February 13, 2005, Hariri met with his executive board to radically increase the price of Ridiculousium in time for Valentine's Day. I say no coincidence, because he was killed the following day.

To truly see the link we must flash over to the man on the right, John R. Bolton. As you may know, Bolton is the U.S. ambassador to the U.N. What was Bolton doing before he was ambassador, you might ask? While Hariri held a virtual monopoly on Ridiculousium, Bolton himself a wealthy investor owned Bolton, Inc. the chief competitor to Hariri Ltd. Apparently Bolton jumped on Ridiculousium after purchase of his mustache.

So, what does Bolton have to do with Hariri? To put it bluntly, Bolton orchestrated Hariri's assasination. Bolton hoped that doing so would break the Ridiculousium monopoly. According to documents that I have uncovered, Bolton employed a group of Latvian assasins to carry out his plot, pictured below:
Once Hariri was killed, Bolton believed he would have free reign in Southern Lebanon. However, the executive board of Hariri Ltd., was able to consolidate its production and maintain the monopoly with the help of Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Bolton, frustrated, pursued more extreme tactics. Using his friends in high places, Bolton was able to secure the ambassadorship to the U.N. a month after the assasination. He then pursued his new plan.

Bolton's new plan was even more deviant than the first. Using U.N. connections, Bolton contacted Israel's Secretary of the Interior, Ronni Bar-On (Pictured to the right), another investor in Ridiculousium. Maneuvering inside the Israeli government, Bolton and Bar-On were able to come up with a grand conspiracy.

As you may remember, this summer Isreal invaded Southern Lebanon in response attacks on Hezbollah. But, as sources that I have found have shown, there never was such an attack. The entire episode was staged. But what would Bolton gain from such an invasion? Well, firstly, Israel was able to occupy the Ridiculousium mines and kick out Hariri Ltd. As you may remember, Israel than called on, who else?, the U.N.! to occupy a buffer zone in between Israel and Lebanon. The buffer zone just happens to include almost all of the Ridiculousium mines. And who did the U.N. employ to extract these zones? Well, let's take a look at the U.N.'s three man panel overlooking production in Southern Lebanon:

Enrico Rodriguez: Influential Spanish Businessman with close connections to the Carlisle Group











Ali Dini-ala-Jeed: Eccentric member of Saudi Royal Family. May have connections to Osama Bin Laden.











The last one, as you may have guessed it, is none other than John Bolton. Look through the looking glass here people. Don't believe what they tell you.