Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm is BACK!!!!!!
I did promise a return to more substantive updates and what could be more substantive than a Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm about the upcoming presidential primaries?
I don't mean to brag, but I've really assembled an all star panel this week. Including myself, the moderator, we'll have the following guests, all of which have been following the upcoming primaries in Iowa and New Hampshire closely, in attendance:
Hannibal Hamlin: Lincoln's first Vice-President, considered by most historians to be America's best, most forgettable second in command.
Johnny Johnson: Editor of the Des Moines Register
Death: No explanation needed
A Ninja
For more info, see this
An Elephant in Musk
Luke Cage, bitches
(via satellite)
Sr. Domanguez: Pillsbury's Mexican Cousin. Also is probably just the doughboy acting out personal stereotypes about what a Mexican person is.
Machiavelli: Before we start, I should mention that we're having some technical problems communicating with Luke Cage. We'll get to him as the situation improves. Also, the elephant called ahead and said he would be late because of traffic. Alright to begin, let's talk about Mike Huckabee, who's recently surged in Iowa. Mr. Johnson, how do you account for Huckabee's recent success?
Johnson: Well, Huckabee has a strong evangelical base and he has been attracting attention because of his populist economic stances. We'll wait and see if some of his faux paus catch up to him by election time.
Ninja: Huckabee has made a lot of bad decisions in the campaign. He needs to learn how to decide better from a ninja...Ninjas have to make snap decisions all the time... The time it takes for Huckabee to make a decision, a ninja would already have made 24 decisions and his decision and they're not easy decisions...a ninja might have to decide whether or not to kill somebody with one touch on the shoulder or kill 'em while hanging down from this rope and throwing a ninja star right through the heart. One time I had to decide whether to kill this cyclopigator: that's a cyclops alligator...you know one with one eye...a big eye... or Jay Leno...that was a tough decision...so I killed both of them! [wham wham] in hindsight maybe I should have just left them alone because that cyclopigator would have eaten Jay Leno anyway...you don't want to mess with a cyclopigator, those guys are vicious. And the Jay Leno you think is Jay Leno is not Jay Leno, because I killed the real Jay Leno. The Jay Leno you see is a robot with a steak on its chin..So Huckabee needs to make more ninja-like decisions, but also watch his back because there's probably a bunch of ninjas trying to kill him...I'm just kidding, if a ninja we're trying to kill Huckabee he would have been dead before he thought about thinking about running for president... Huckabee's doing a good job of capturing the minds of voters, but he's not doing it like a ninja...if a ninja was capturing the minds of voters he would use this crazy hook...throwing...rope...thing and rip out everyone's brains with it...and they would all bleed to death on their way to the polling station, but I would not advise that.
Death: This guy's sick.
Machiavelli: Really? I think he's hilarious.
Hamlin: When are we going to get to the pie?
Death: Pie?
Machiavelli: shh...I told him there would be pie. It's the only way I could him to come...back from the dead.
Domanguez: hey, senor, I could make food. I'm known for making great encheladas. I put da peppers in with da rice...and then then I mix it and it is delishious. Senor Gringo you would like, no?
Machiavelli: that sounds pretty good...yeah go ahead. Make sure you make it with corn tortillas though. My stupid-ass brother likes it with flour tortillas.
Domanguez: Oh no no...senhor...never use flour tortillas...that is, how do you say?, not is good...sh*tty?
Machiavelli: I like this guy...you know this discussion is going much better than any of the previous ones.
Death: What was that?
Machiavelli: what?
Domanguez: I didn't hear nothing, senor.
Ninja: I heard it. Ninjas have super hearing. When ninjas are being trained, one ninja stands like in Alaska while the trainee is in Texas and then the ninja in Alaska whispers a number between 1 and a billion and if the trainee ninja doesn't say that number within 1 second he's killed immediately...brutally...really brutally. After that, the next step is flight. You have to jump up and not land for at least 3 hours...and if you come down before that, they kill you...and it has to be exactly 3 hours...if it's 10 seconds more, they kill you for that too.
Machiavelli: Wait, there it was again.
Death: Is that the door? Should we answer it?
Machiavelli: Well...wait...it stopped. (goes to door, looks in peephole) well, there's nothing there...strange...Anyway, we're getting confirmation that Luke Cage is finally here via satellite. So, Mr. Cage, do you think Obama can close the gap in Iowa and challenge Hillary?
Cage: [satellite pause] I'm sorry I'm having troub---hearing y--. I just finished chaining a lot of bitches----------ice--------then I took his head--- into floor----over and over----badass---------ood everywhere....
Ninja: Did you use the dragon breath kick to the back of the liver?
Machiavelli: I'm sorry Mr. Cage we can't seem to fix our connection problems. Maybe we'll get you back here during the next Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm.
Death: Aren't these supposed to be twice a month? Not 6 times in one month and then not again for 5 months?
Machiavelli: shut up.
Hamlin: These enchiladas are delicious.
Johnson: yeah, these are much better than the ones we have in Des Moines.
Domanguez: gracias
Machiavelli: hmm...maybe we should move on...so, Senor Domanguez, what impact do you think the latino vote will have on this year's election?
Domanguez: I can no speak for all of Mexicanoes, but I think Obama has--
Death: wait, there it was again...did you hear it this time?
Johnson: spooky
Domanguez: could be a chupacabra.
Ninja: chupacabras don't knock...maybe it's a chupacabra door-to-door encyclopedia salesman...an encycloalesacabra.
Machiavelli: that one was stupid.
Death: Hey, Hamlin, you're dead...why don't you go answer it.
Hamlin: alright, alright. [opens door]. Oh! it's just an elephant...hey you guys should see this, it's wearing a cute FedEx hat...and a matching jacket...he looks adorable. Hey, oh a package? It had a package wrapped in its trunk...oh, it's for me? ok...[opens package] what is this? Oh no...no! this is my son's pocket watch...how did you get this? I thought this was destroyed when he was...when he was mysteriously trampled to death...wait...only the...how did you get this???...you sick bastard! how could you do this? He was finally putting his life back together...You f*cking elephant...you'll pay...oh you'll pay......what's this? a note?...'YOU...R...nex...t'
Machiavelli: that was weird.
Death: elephants are scary
Machiavelli: Well, that ends this week's Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm...stay tuned one half month for our next edition...BYE BYE.
I don't mean to brag, but I've really assembled an all star panel this week. Including myself, the moderator, we'll have the following guests, all of which have been following the upcoming primaries in Iowa and New Hampshire closely, in attendance:
Hannibal Hamlin: Lincoln's first Vice-President, considered by most historians to be America's best, most forgettable second in command.Johnny Johnson: Editor of the Des Moines Register
Death: No explanation neededA Ninja
For more info, see this
An Elephant in MuskLuke Cage, bitches(via satellite)
Sr. Domanguez: Pillsbury's Mexican Cousin. Also is probably just the doughboy acting out personal stereotypes about what a Mexican person is.
Machiavelli: Before we start, I should mention that we're having some technical problems communicating with Luke Cage. We'll get to him as the situation improves. Also, the elephant called ahead and said he would be late because of traffic. Alright to begin, let's talk about Mike Huckabee, who's recently surged in Iowa. Mr. Johnson, how do you account for Huckabee's recent success?
Johnson: Well, Huckabee has a strong evangelical base and he has been attracting attention because of his populist economic stances. We'll wait and see if some of his faux paus catch up to him by election time.
Ninja: Huckabee has made a lot of bad decisions in the campaign. He needs to learn how to decide better from a ninja...Ninjas have to make snap decisions all the time... The time it takes for Huckabee to make a decision, a ninja would already have made 24 decisions and his decision and they're not easy decisions...a ninja might have to decide whether or not to kill somebody with one touch on the shoulder or kill 'em while hanging down from this rope and throwing a ninja star right through the heart. One time I had to decide whether to kill this cyclopigator: that's a cyclops alligator...you know one with one eye...a big eye... or Jay Leno...that was a tough decision...so I killed both of them! [wham wham] in hindsight maybe I should have just left them alone because that cyclopigator would have eaten Jay Leno anyway...you don't want to mess with a cyclopigator, those guys are vicious. And the Jay Leno you think is Jay Leno is not Jay Leno, because I killed the real Jay Leno. The Jay Leno you see is a robot with a steak on its chin..So Huckabee needs to make more ninja-like decisions, but also watch his back because there's probably a bunch of ninjas trying to kill him...I'm just kidding, if a ninja we're trying to kill Huckabee he would have been dead before he thought about thinking about running for president... Huckabee's doing a good job of capturing the minds of voters, but he's not doing it like a ninja...if a ninja was capturing the minds of voters he would use this crazy hook...throwing...rope...thing and rip out everyone's brains with it...and they would all bleed to death on their way to the polling station, but I would not advise that.
Death: This guy's sick.
Machiavelli: Really? I think he's hilarious.
Hamlin: When are we going to get to the pie?
Death: Pie?
Machiavelli: shh...I told him there would be pie. It's the only way I could him to come...back from the dead.
Domanguez: hey, senor, I could make food. I'm known for making great encheladas. I put da peppers in with da rice...and then then I mix it and it is delishious. Senor Gringo you would like, no?
Machiavelli: that sounds pretty good...yeah go ahead. Make sure you make it with corn tortillas though. My stupid-ass brother likes it with flour tortillas.
Domanguez: Oh no no...senhor...never use flour tortillas...that is, how do you say?, not is good...sh*tty?
Machiavelli: I like this guy...you know this discussion is going much better than any of the previous ones.
Death: What was that?
Machiavelli: what?
Domanguez: I didn't hear nothing, senor.
Ninja: I heard it. Ninjas have super hearing. When ninjas are being trained, one ninja stands like in Alaska while the trainee is in Texas and then the ninja in Alaska whispers a number between 1 and a billion and if the trainee ninja doesn't say that number within 1 second he's killed immediately...brutally...really brutally. After that, the next step is flight. You have to jump up and not land for at least 3 hours...and if you come down before that, they kill you...and it has to be exactly 3 hours...if it's 10 seconds more, they kill you for that too.
Machiavelli: Wait, there it was again.
Death: Is that the door? Should we answer it?
Machiavelli: Well...wait...it stopped. (goes to door, looks in peephole) well, there's nothing there...strange...Anyway, we're getting confirmation that Luke Cage is finally here via satellite. So, Mr. Cage, do you think Obama can close the gap in Iowa and challenge Hillary?
Cage: [satellite pause] I'm sorry I'm having troub---hearing y--. I just finished chaining a lot of bitches----------ice--------then I took his head--- into floor----over and over----badass---------ood everywhere....
Ninja: Did you use the dragon breath kick to the back of the liver?
Machiavelli: I'm sorry Mr. Cage we can't seem to fix our connection problems. Maybe we'll get you back here during the next Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm.
Death: Aren't these supposed to be twice a month? Not 6 times in one month and then not again for 5 months?
Machiavelli: shut up.
Hamlin: These enchiladas are delicious.
Johnson: yeah, these are much better than the ones we have in Des Moines.
Domanguez: gracias
Machiavelli: hmm...maybe we should move on...so, Senor Domanguez, what impact do you think the latino vote will have on this year's election?
Domanguez: I can no speak for all of Mexicanoes, but I think Obama has--
Death: wait, there it was again...did you hear it this time?
Johnson: spooky
Domanguez: could be a chupacabra.
Ninja: chupacabras don't knock...maybe it's a chupacabra door-to-door encyclopedia salesman...an encycloalesacabra.
Machiavelli: that one was stupid.
Death: Hey, Hamlin, you're dead...why don't you go answer it.
Hamlin: alright, alright. [opens door]. Oh! it's just an elephant...hey you guys should see this, it's wearing a cute FedEx hat...and a matching jacket...he looks adorable. Hey, oh a package? It had a package wrapped in its trunk...oh, it's for me? ok...[opens package] what is this? Oh no...no! this is my son's pocket watch...how did you get this? I thought this was destroyed when he was...when he was mysteriously trampled to death...wait...only the...how did you get this???...you sick bastard! how could you do this? He was finally putting his life back together...You f*cking elephant...you'll pay...oh you'll pay......what's this? a note?...'YOU...R...nex...t'
Machiavelli: that was weird.
Death: elephants are scary
Machiavelli: Well, that ends this week's Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm...stay tuned one half month for our next edition...BYE BYE.
posted by Machiavelli | 11:55 PM
2 Comments:
Hello did you watch the complete ninja decision making video? Watch the whole thing, including the little tidbit at the end. I shit you not, it mentions ninjelephants.
I know I know...I actually wrote..er umm ran the discussion... and then went looking for a clip and found one that covered decision making and ninja elephents....what are the chances...?
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