Frankfurt and Hamburg: An Inconvienient History

The story begins in 1857 when a famine struck the city of Hamburg. In response, a young slaughterhouse worker, by the name of Ludwig Van Spock, noticed that only the prime portions of the cattle were being processed into meat. He then came up with a novel idea: take the lesser used and scrap pieces of the cow, ground it up, and make it into a patty. Unfortunately, it was very plain. He took some of the patties back to his house and asked his wife what to do with them. She couldn't think of anything, so she stuck them in the fridge. About a week later, Mr. Spock's son came home early from school. He wanted a sandwich, but there was no ham and the deli was closed. So, he took the patty, put it in between two slices of bread with a slice of cheese. It was not very good. Then he decided to warm it up and melt the cheese...it was delicious! Upon hearing of his son's discovery, Mr. Spock was thrilled. He could help the people of Hamburg produce more food, simply by making ground patties of the wasted and left over material. Always full of civic pride, Mr. Spock named his patty the "Hamburger." It is estimated that his "hamburger" saved the lives of 10 million people that year.

Tales of the Hamburger's taste spread throughout Germany. Hamburg's hamburgers became the favorite of a people who were not unified under one flag. Hamburger societies committed to creating a democratic national German assembly sprang up in all provinces.

Yet, there was one group that was not happy: the ruthless oligarchs of the Frankfurt meat packing industry. Throughout the early 19th century, Frankfurt was the capital of meat packing for most of central Europe. However, with the introduction of the hamburger, the precious profits of the oligarchs became vulnerable. In response they created their own food made of left over meats and called it the Frankfurter. To flood the market with Frankfurters the oligarchs organized militias to confiscate farms and steal farmers' pigs and cattle in what is called the Great Hot Dog Massacre. Of course, those farmers who lost their means of survival starved to death. In all, the nightmare may have taken the lives of over 11 million people.

So began the great rivalry between Hamburg and Frankfurt. Yet Frankfurt would not stop there. In 1870, fearing that the Hamburg societies (who always served hamburgers) were introducing too many people to the delicious dinner, the oligarchs took care of the problem the only way they knew how: supporting Kaiser Wilhem in his tyrannical takeover of Germany and shutting down all of the democratic dreams of the Hamburg societies.

Frankfurt has a long history of anti-semitism going back centuries. They also had a long history of being wimpy defeatists. In fact, during World War I, Mayor Wienerschnitzel organized "Jew brigades" to dress up as jewish stereotypes, carry knives, and literally stab German soldiers in the back in order to hasten the end of the war.

Hamburg, on the other hand, was known for its high tolerance of jews (which was one reason they made cosher beef patties, rather than the pig products used in Frankfurters...in fact some say that Frankfurt packers put pork in their hot dogs just to insult the jews).

Although Adolf Hitler was born and raised in Austria and spent negligible time in the city, he always referred to Frankfurt as his home. Frankfurt was one of the strongest bastions of Nazi support throughout the raise of the 3rd reich. Many historians have commented that the Nuremburg Laws were most stringently applied in Frankfurt and that all jews living in the city were sent to concentration camps or simply murdered in the streets.

Hamburg, on the other hand, did its most to protect its jews, claiming that their skilled work in the hamburger production plants was necessary for the war effort. Of course, the idea that even women and children had these skills began to become a farce. Nevertheless, Hamburg was able to save about 99% of its jews from the holocaust.

Following the war, Frankfurt continued its greedy strive for domination of the country. The only challenge came from its northern rival, Hamburg. A quasi-Cold War developed between the two cities as both tried to institute their belief system on the rest of the nation.

After the Hamburg inspired fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989, many Germans hoped to embrace a new sporting lifestyle. This was most manifested in the creation of the World Football League in 1991. In that inaugural year, the Hamburg Sea Devils beat the Frankfurt Galaxy 77-2 in a pre-season game. Fearing that the Sea Devils would dominate the new league, Frankfurters went on a rampage, massacring the entire team and exiling the city to Scotland. Yet, the true Hamburgeans were not conquered. In 1995 they reorganized themselves in the Scottish Highlands and created the Scottish Claymores. Not surprisingly, the following year, the Claymores won the World Bowl, defeating the Galaxy in what many consider the best football game of all time. In 2005 the noble Hamburgeans were allowed to return to their fabled city. They immediately created another team, the Hamburg Sea Devils. It is this team that carries the history, determination, and the glory of the Hamburg people. "It's not a game, it's a party."