Recalled Ad for The Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived: The Movie

I admit it was a bit confusing.

Conspiracy Consensus: In an attempt to finally taste beef, mad Indian (Hindi) scientist engineers Cow Pigs; Will they one day rule mankind???

All signs point to yes.

Trailer #2: The Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived: The Movie

I promise this is the last one.

It's Here!!!!!!!!!!! The Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived: The Movie...Trailer #1

Quotes with Dr. K

This week was a little sparse because we had a test. There was one particular moment, though:

K: "All you future teachers...see you have to have a special something to keep your students interested...you know to keep them coming. See, they all come back for this (starts movement, than stops)...no maybe I shouldn't...you guys don't deserve it."

Student (a girl who had him last semester): "No, you have to do it."

K: "I have to do it...well alright...see, I told you guys that's what gets them coming...if you want to make your students interested you gotta have this (proceeds to rip apart his buttoned shirt revealing a black undershirt that says Hard Rock Cafe)...it works guys..it works every time."

While I'm at it...there was one more:

K: "Often geniuses are little crazy, you know. Like Einstein, you all think of him as this great guy, but he was weird, man. Let's just say he really liked lizards."

Student: "wait, wait...what did he do?"

K: "Now you're going to go into your other classes and say 'K said that Einstein did weird stuff with lizards.' Geez...do you guys believe everything I say?"

Can you solve it?

I was flipping through the channels and this caught my eye. I guess you know you're big when you show up on Wheel of Fortune.

BI-MON-PAN-DIS-SIT-COM, Scene #2

In case you need to review, here's Scene 1.

(Scene begins with Nixon bent over under his sink in his apartment)

[Applause]
Nixon: Goddamit...

(Enter Mao and Abigail)






Mao: Hey, Tricky Dick...how's it going?

Nixon: (growls) I'm busy.

Abigail: Come on Nixon, we need to talk about this. Ever since Queen Elizabeth I left you've been miserable...

Nixon: Bah...good riddance...she won't have me to kick around anymore.

Mao: You need to get out of here...stop the plumbing stuff and go have some fun.

Nixon: I'd rather stay here.

(Enter Death, eating a Churro)

Death: Man, these things are great.

Mao: Where'd you get that?

Death: Out on the sidewalk...there's this Mexican guy with a stand selling 'em for a dollar.

Mao: That sounds good...(Checks pocket)...can anyone spot me for a dollar?

Abigail: Can it wait...we're talking to Nixon now

Mao: Alright, alright.

Abigail: Maybe I could set you up with someone...

Nixon: No thanks.

Abigail: We could all go for a drive...

Nixon: I've got work to do.

Mao: How about a churro...that'd probably cheer you up. Why don't we all get churros?
[canned laughter]

Death: I've got an idea...let's stock up on potatoes and then wait for the price to go up and then sell them high.

Mao: Now we're talking.

Abigail: That doesn't even begin to make sense. And how would that help Nixon.

Death: Who? [Canned laughter]...oh yeah Nixon...Nixon...well, it's as good as your ideas.

Mao: How high do potatoes go up, usually?

Death: Like a nickel...but if you had hundreds of thousands of them...

Mao: And they'll like keep forever...

Abigail: sigh...

Death: I know a guy with extra storage space...we could make a lot of money.

Mao: You've convinced me...Nixon you want in?

Nixon: I'm good.

Mao: Probably for the best...he'd just drag us down...

Abigail: You know he's still in the room.

Nixon: Don't worry about it.

(Loud noise)

Abigail: What's that?

Death: Oh crap...I hope it's not that prick and that crazy guy.

(Enter Pierre Beauregard, Confederate General of the Civil War, and Peter the Great)















Peter: Hidy Ho, neighborinos.

Death: (mutters) sh*t.

Peter: What's going on here?

Death: I have to go...I have to...um...meet...this guy.

Peter: Alrighty! Catch you on the flip side.

(Exit Death)

Mao: (to Peter) Why are you covered in...salsa?

Peter: Well, it's a long story. See, Beauregard dared me to cover myself in nacho cheese and I said, "No...I'm not going to do everything you tell me." ...and he was like "then cover yourself in salsa," ...and...here I am.

Mao: hmm.

Peter: You guys want to eat this piece of paper I found on the street?

Abigail: No...why would we?

Peter: To each his own, I guess. I have to get to work...counting babies...See you around Nixon...I hope you feel better.

Beauregard: (to Abigail) those shoes make you look fat...

(Peter and Beauregard exit)

Abigail: That was unpleasant.

Mao: Kind of awkward....why wasn't Peter the Great wearing pants?

Abigail: I tried not to look.

Enter Machiavelli
Machiavelli: What the hell was that? There weren't even any jokes. This is the end of this feature. I am announcing a new feature, however..."The man on the street," will involve interviews with everyday people. Stay tuned.

An Honest Critique

I was urgently awaiting the release of the new magazine, "Awesome Times." However, after purchasing the first issue, I must say I'm disappointed.

Firstly, although it claims that it's goal is to deliver to the public all news that it deems to be awesome, it falls short almost constantly. Even the cover picture, of an obvious loser, sends the message that there will in fact be little awesome in it. The feature story, I must say has its merits. The interview of Robert has some good moments... Unfortunantly they are sparse, and the interview actually takes up 35 pages plus advertising space. I did enjoy the in depth article about "How to beat up the French," but this is available in many other magazines. Plus, the advice given is akin to a manual about how to put toast in a toaster. The year's most awesome list was also disappointing and probably could have used more input from other sources. The writer, Robert d., seems to be pulling it out of his ass and includes such ridiculous items as katanas, Magic: The Gathering, and bad Jet Li movies. The problem with the magazine really comes to force, though, with the awarding of the Awesomes. I was eagerly awaiting these (with fingers crossed), only to find out that, as the cover hints, they were all given to Robert. The biases of the magazine aside, I don't understand how Robert could have won in some of the categories, including Most Awesome Monkey in a Comedy, Most Awesome Actress in a Supporting Role, and Most Awesome Light Design of a Biosphere. I don't recall him doing any of those things.

In conclusion, this magazine is off to a very poor start...and it smelled kind of wierd (1 Star).

Two Opposing Viewpoints

Hmm... A Cause for Concern?

Bizarre Faith-Based Message

On the way to school today I saw this sign. I in no way endorse it. In fact, I think Robert's blog is very good (now that he copied me). I just thought it was a little bit strange that his blog has created such hostility in the Christian community. Whatever happened to turn the other cheek?

Weekly Quotes With Dr. K

A real gold mine this week:

#1:
K:"I'm surprised I'm not sick more often...I have to spend all my time with a bunch of walking piles of disease like you guys."

Student: "You probably got it from your kids (meaning his children."

K: "That used to happen, but...I beat the shit out of them, so it's not really a problem anymore."

#2:
"I'm real sick guys...I just went to the bathroom and, well, I don't want to go into the details, but I feel like shit...I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I'm just swearing like this because I have a fever."

#3:
K: "Now when you get your papers back you'll notice...ok, well in psychology when you write papers, by the way a psychology paper is just common sense plus mutli-syllable words...anyway, they talk about positive strokes and negative strokes. Positive strokes are like 'good point', 'you did that well,' and so on. Negative strokes are you know...you need to work on this or you forgot that or whatever. I don't do positive strokes. I just tell you why you messed up. If you need those positive strokes just stay after class and I'll stroke you for 10 minutes."

Student (who had him last semester): [laughs a little too loud]

K: Yeah, just ask that guy, he knows all about it.

Student: Oh, I'm married... I know all about stroking.

Class: ??

I Just Don't Get It

I just don't get Bill Murray's recent series of movies. These include Rushmore, Royal Tenanbaums, Lost in Translation, and The Life Aquatic. They're just not funny. It's not that the jokes aren't good...it's that there are no jokes. They're not even really trying to be comedies. They're just trying to be odd. If that's the goal, then congratulations, but I don't think it is. It's not as if they're telling a great story...for example The Life Aquatic is about a kind of pathetic version of Jacques Cousteau and Lost in Translation is just about a guy in Japan. I don't really understand what the point is. It's like there's a joke I'm not getting. They all give me the same feeling...lack of laughing, fascination at how well they're directed, and confusion. It just seems like Bill Murray could do better (and I don't mean more Garfield movies).

Apparently the popularity of this site has finally reached Bollywood

This is from the film, Tales of Damayanti.


Oh...I guess I should also post this since its been floating around the internet for a while: Fellini's old short-film adaptation of The Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived (1962). As you guys know, the new version is coming out soon.

Even Einstein Agrees

Important News Flash: Bostonians Are Stupid

This is Very Serious

Danger: Lite Brites

The Press Conference

The Movie Trailer

BI-MON-PAN-DIS-COMM Wins Prestigious Award!

BI-MON-PAN-DIS-COMM won the award for best discussion group on the world wide web. The prestigious Internees were presented yesterday by the Kazakh 10 Committee. I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate all involved and thank my fans for making this particular feature number 1!

Quotes With Dr. K

"I've always been really sensitive to any kind of that stuff. Tea, coffee, alcohol, whatever. When I was here [in college] I was the easiest date around. Just give me a bottle of beer and I'd be out for the night."

Relatedly:

K: (takes sip of drink) "hmm...I'm starting to regret this tea and honey stuff. You guys ever tried it?"

Student: "Yeah, it kind of coats everything. Then you get it all at the bottom."

K: "Oh, I like that. I like it all sludgey and nasty. That's good. I could REALLY get into that... Perhaps I said too much."

Special Post-Note: I have decided to remove both the name and picture of the professor from whom these quotes were created. I do so because I certainly would not want to be responsible for any harm they may cause.

-With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

Issue #2

Say It Ain't So!...It's Finally Here Again...The Long Awaited Fan Favorite is Back!!!: BI-MON-PAN-DIS-COMM

I know, I know...it has been awhile. But in my defense, 1. it was getting repetitive; 2. they're kinda annoying; and 3. I've already killed a lot of good characters.

Anyway, let's get on with the show...today we'll be discussing the 2008 presidential campaign. I know it's early, but the field is already taking shape. Before we jump into discussion, as always, I'll introduce the participants:

Andrew Carnegie: Capitalist, Steel Oligarch

Hobbies: Stealing from the poor and giving to the poor, golf.













William Howard Taft: Fat F*ck, 27th President of the United States, Former Governor of the Phillipines, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court

Hobbies: Eating a whole tub of peach cobbler, eating.








Death: Self-Explanatory

Hobbies: "I hate doing this, why do I keep coming."











Aurora Snow: Huge Filthy Whore, Pornstar

Hobbies: ***** **** ******* * *********, getting more people to go to this blog by accident in the search for adult entertainment









William Tecumseh Sherman: Crazy Cool General, Looks Crazy

Hobbies: Burning down the houses of Southern racists.










John C. Calhoun: Former Leader of the Democrats During the Antebellum Era, VP under Jackson, Sec. of War, Sec. of State, Congressmen, Senator, Southern Racist

Hobbies: Nullifying stuff (including one episode involving a hamster and a whole carton of ice cream)





Machiavelli: Alright let's get started. Let's try to ignore the fact that none of you are at all qualified to deal with this issue and that the only two not from the 19th century are the pornstar and death, and just move on. I pose my first question to the whole group: who do you think will come out ahead for the Democrats? Do you think Hillary can pull it off?

Taft: Pull off what? Her shirt? Hi-oh...seriously though, women are incompetent.

Aurora: I take issue with that.

Machiavelli: Hmm...I don't think we've ever had a girl on BI-MON-PAN-DIS-COMM. Usually, we can just get away with sexist insults (note to self...no girls)...anyway is anyone going to answer the question?

Carnegie: I would put forward that Hillary has as good as a chance as anyone. We all know that politics is all about fundraising, and she will probably be able to get the most. Her opponents may have charisma, but she has the drive. She reminds me of myself at a young age.

Death: That's just because you both wear women's underwear.

Carnegie: Poppycock!

Death:What?

Aurora: What?

Calhoun: It's a fairly common expression.

Sherman: Who asked you?

Calhoun: I will not speak to you, you scoundrel!

Death: Call him a carpetbagger.

Machiavelli: That would be historically inaccurate.Alright everybody calm down. Please take your North-South rivalries elsewhere....But relatedly, except for Ford, every president since Kennedy has been from the sunbelt (California and the South). Can a candidate from the Northeast like Biden or Clinton, or from the Midwest like Obama have a serious chance at winning?

Taft: I'm getting hungry. You said there would be snacks.

Calhoun: I think we're all ignoring the key question about Obama: Can a Negro learn to read and write?

Sherman: I don't think that's really up for debate.

Calhoun: Yeah, I didn't think so either. There's now way he could.

Carnegie: no, no...we're all missing the real point...can a candidate run on a platform that endorses such dangerous policies such as the "income tax" have any chance of success.

Taft: I would kill for a tuna sandwich right about now.

Carnegie: That's a capital idea.

Death: God, I hate this time period...Let's go to like Roman times...hey Aurora you want to have pagan orgy sex?

Aurora: I'm here to discuss the issues.

Death: Yeah, whatever.

Machiavelli: Maybe we should move on...How about the Republicans? McCain appears to be the frontrunner, but the Republicans need to have a serious debate about Iraq. How important will the situation in Iraq be to the election?

Taft: Do Iraqis eat Falafels, or is that just a Persian thing?

Carnegie: The Iraqis need investment. Without American entrepreneurship they will blindly walk into civil war. Also, we should take all their oil.

Calhoun: Horseradish!-

Taft: mmm...sounds delicious.

Calhoun: The Iraqis will only be stabilized after one sect enslaves the other. Only then will a natural society be able to establish itself.

Sherman: You really like slavery don't you? You know, there's no more such thing as slavery...why? because I massacred all you sons-of-bitches.

Calhoun: Come here so I can give you a caning!

Aurora Snow: That sounds good right about now.

Carnegie: I never!

Death: I'm not sure what that meant, but it sounded hot. Hey, let's get that Abigail Adams girl in here and see you two make out.

Sherman: I have no objections.

Aurora: I'm more than just an object for you old guys to play with.

Calhoun: You Northern women are all so uppity.

Death: Since when did the slut become a Femi-Nazi?

Taft: (takes a bite out of Carnegie).

Sherman: Well, I'm glad somebody did it...hey..(this is a good one)...isn't he a bit rich...hahaha

Death: Isn't this where you wrap it up, or something? Right about now, usually a meteor hits us or a shark with a death ray comes in and slaughters us.

Taft: ...could use some salt...

Machiavelli: no, I'm going to let this go.

Death: Really? You know I could just touch everyone or something...I am Death after all.

Machiavelli: No...this is the best one yet.

Death: Not really. Remember that time when that fairy Dr. Strange was here. Or when Colossus was getting cornholed by that French fruitcake...good times. Yeah, I guess this is the least gayest one so far. By the way, whatever happened to that sitcom thing?

Machiavelli: Just a little bit longer.

Sherman: Hey, what happened to the girl?

Machiavelli: ...

Death: Oh...that's why you extended this nonesense...alright I'm ending it...shows over...let's go home...last one here dies. Taft, Ms. Snow, stop eating and let's get going.

(Just then a meteor hits the discussion room and kills everyone...except the characters I like to bring back, like Machiavelli, Death, and Sherman...Carnegie and Taft are definantly dead...Aurora Snow has a chance though).

Weekly Quotes With Dr. K

Two good ones this week:

"I have a few fantasies that I still like to believe in. One of them is that you get a call with someone saying, 'hey, you want to go get drunk with Suzy,?' or whatever, and you say, "yeah, yeah, that sounds great...Oh F*CK, I have to go to Kline's class...goddamit." See, I want this class to be valuable to you...give you a reason to show up. So next time you get a call to go get drunk with Suzy...or I dunno drink Diet Pepsi...that's probably more positive...you think, no I really NEED to be in here with me."

"Most slaves in Greek society were there because of debt...like if you owed somebody money...Actually, it was a common practice that if you went into debt you'd sell your own family members into slavery. Yeah...the mother-in-law would be the first to go....uh...that's just me though...actually you might even go into debt just so you could...um...get rid of her...alright, you guys are learning too much about me."

Playoff Predictions

I went 7-4...not bad.

Crown 'em

Weekly Quotes With Dr. K

Christmas comes early this year (or late). That's right, two weekly quotes in one week!:

"If you didn't come home beat up and covered in piss, you'd say, 'that was a waste of time. Let's never go there again.'"