Say It Ain't So!...It's Finally Here Again...The Long Awaited Fan Favorite is Back!!!: BI-MON-PAN-DIS-COMM

I know, I know...it has been awhile. But in my defense, 1. it was getting repetitive; 2. they're kinda annoying; and 3. I've already killed a lot of good characters.

Anyway, let's get on with the show...today we'll be discussing the 2008 presidential campaign. I know it's early, but the field is already taking shape. Before we jump into discussion, as always, I'll introduce the participants:

Andrew Carnegie: Capitalist, Steel Oligarch

Hobbies: Stealing from the poor and giving to the poor, golf.













William Howard Taft: Fat F*ck, 27th President of the United States, Former Governor of the Phillipines, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court

Hobbies: Eating a whole tub of peach cobbler, eating.








Death: Self-Explanatory

Hobbies: "I hate doing this, why do I keep coming."











Aurora Snow: Huge Filthy Whore, Pornstar

Hobbies: ***** **** ******* * *********, getting more people to go to this blog by accident in the search for adult entertainment









William Tecumseh Sherman: Crazy Cool General, Looks Crazy

Hobbies: Burning down the houses of Southern racists.










John C. Calhoun: Former Leader of the Democrats During the Antebellum Era, VP under Jackson, Sec. of War, Sec. of State, Congressmen, Senator, Southern Racist

Hobbies: Nullifying stuff (including one episode involving a hamster and a whole carton of ice cream)





Machiavelli: Alright let's get started. Let's try to ignore the fact that none of you are at all qualified to deal with this issue and that the only two not from the 19th century are the pornstar and death, and just move on. I pose my first question to the whole group: who do you think will come out ahead for the Democrats? Do you think Hillary can pull it off?

Taft: Pull off what? Her shirt? Hi-oh...seriously though, women are incompetent.

Aurora: I take issue with that.

Machiavelli: Hmm...I don't think we've ever had a girl on BI-MON-PAN-DIS-COMM. Usually, we can just get away with sexist insults (note to self...no girls)...anyway is anyone going to answer the question?

Carnegie: I would put forward that Hillary has as good as a chance as anyone. We all know that politics is all about fundraising, and she will probably be able to get the most. Her opponents may have charisma, but she has the drive. She reminds me of myself at a young age.

Death: That's just because you both wear women's underwear.

Carnegie: Poppycock!

Death:What?

Aurora: What?

Calhoun: It's a fairly common expression.

Sherman: Who asked you?

Calhoun: I will not speak to you, you scoundrel!

Death: Call him a carpetbagger.

Machiavelli: That would be historically inaccurate.Alright everybody calm down. Please take your North-South rivalries elsewhere....But relatedly, except for Ford, every president since Kennedy has been from the sunbelt (California and the South). Can a candidate from the Northeast like Biden or Clinton, or from the Midwest like Obama have a serious chance at winning?

Taft: I'm getting hungry. You said there would be snacks.

Calhoun: I think we're all ignoring the key question about Obama: Can a Negro learn to read and write?

Sherman: I don't think that's really up for debate.

Calhoun: Yeah, I didn't think so either. There's now way he could.

Carnegie: no, no...we're all missing the real point...can a candidate run on a platform that endorses such dangerous policies such as the "income tax" have any chance of success.

Taft: I would kill for a tuna sandwich right about now.

Carnegie: That's a capital idea.

Death: God, I hate this time period...Let's go to like Roman times...hey Aurora you want to have pagan orgy sex?

Aurora: I'm here to discuss the issues.

Death: Yeah, whatever.

Machiavelli: Maybe we should move on...How about the Republicans? McCain appears to be the frontrunner, but the Republicans need to have a serious debate about Iraq. How important will the situation in Iraq be to the election?

Taft: Do Iraqis eat Falafels, or is that just a Persian thing?

Carnegie: The Iraqis need investment. Without American entrepreneurship they will blindly walk into civil war. Also, we should take all their oil.

Calhoun: Horseradish!-

Taft: mmm...sounds delicious.

Calhoun: The Iraqis will only be stabilized after one sect enslaves the other. Only then will a natural society be able to establish itself.

Sherman: You really like slavery don't you? You know, there's no more such thing as slavery...why? because I massacred all you sons-of-bitches.

Calhoun: Come here so I can give you a caning!

Aurora Snow: That sounds good right about now.

Carnegie: I never!

Death: I'm not sure what that meant, but it sounded hot. Hey, let's get that Abigail Adams girl in here and see you two make out.

Sherman: I have no objections.

Aurora: I'm more than just an object for you old guys to play with.

Calhoun: You Northern women are all so uppity.

Death: Since when did the slut become a Femi-Nazi?

Taft: (takes a bite out of Carnegie).

Sherman: Well, I'm glad somebody did it...hey..(this is a good one)...isn't he a bit rich...hahaha

Death: Isn't this where you wrap it up, or something? Right about now, usually a meteor hits us or a shark with a death ray comes in and slaughters us.

Taft: ...could use some salt...

Machiavelli: no, I'm going to let this go.

Death: Really? You know I could just touch everyone or something...I am Death after all.

Machiavelli: No...this is the best one yet.

Death: Not really. Remember that time when that fairy Dr. Strange was here. Or when Colossus was getting cornholed by that French fruitcake...good times. Yeah, I guess this is the least gayest one so far. By the way, whatever happened to that sitcom thing?

Machiavelli: Just a little bit longer.

Sherman: Hey, what happened to the girl?

Machiavelli: ...

Death: Oh...that's why you extended this nonesense...alright I'm ending it...shows over...let's go home...last one here dies. Taft, Ms. Snow, stop eating and let's get going.

(Just then a meteor hits the discussion room and kills everyone...except the characters I like to bring back, like Machiavelli, Death, and Sherman...Carnegie and Taft are definantly dead...Aurora Snow has a chance though).