BI-MON-PAN-DIS-SIT-COM, Scene #2

In case you need to review, here's Scene 1.

(Scene begins with Nixon bent over under his sink in his apartment)

[Applause]
Nixon: Goddamit...

(Enter Mao and Abigail)






Mao: Hey, Tricky Dick...how's it going?

Nixon: (growls) I'm busy.

Abigail: Come on Nixon, we need to talk about this. Ever since Queen Elizabeth I left you've been miserable...

Nixon: Bah...good riddance...she won't have me to kick around anymore.

Mao: You need to get out of here...stop the plumbing stuff and go have some fun.

Nixon: I'd rather stay here.

(Enter Death, eating a Churro)

Death: Man, these things are great.

Mao: Where'd you get that?

Death: Out on the sidewalk...there's this Mexican guy with a stand selling 'em for a dollar.

Mao: That sounds good...(Checks pocket)...can anyone spot me for a dollar?

Abigail: Can it wait...we're talking to Nixon now

Mao: Alright, alright.

Abigail: Maybe I could set you up with someone...

Nixon: No thanks.

Abigail: We could all go for a drive...

Nixon: I've got work to do.

Mao: How about a churro...that'd probably cheer you up. Why don't we all get churros?
[canned laughter]

Death: I've got an idea...let's stock up on potatoes and then wait for the price to go up and then sell them high.

Mao: Now we're talking.

Abigail: That doesn't even begin to make sense. And how would that help Nixon.

Death: Who? [Canned laughter]...oh yeah Nixon...Nixon...well, it's as good as your ideas.

Mao: How high do potatoes go up, usually?

Death: Like a nickel...but if you had hundreds of thousands of them...

Mao: And they'll like keep forever...

Abigail: sigh...

Death: I know a guy with extra storage space...we could make a lot of money.

Mao: You've convinced me...Nixon you want in?

Nixon: I'm good.

Mao: Probably for the best...he'd just drag us down...

Abigail: You know he's still in the room.

Nixon: Don't worry about it.

(Loud noise)

Abigail: What's that?

Death: Oh crap...I hope it's not that prick and that crazy guy.

(Enter Pierre Beauregard, Confederate General of the Civil War, and Peter the Great)















Peter: Hidy Ho, neighborinos.

Death: (mutters) sh*t.

Peter: What's going on here?

Death: I have to go...I have to...um...meet...this guy.

Peter: Alrighty! Catch you on the flip side.

(Exit Death)

Mao: (to Peter) Why are you covered in...salsa?

Peter: Well, it's a long story. See, Beauregard dared me to cover myself in nacho cheese and I said, "No...I'm not going to do everything you tell me." ...and he was like "then cover yourself in salsa," ...and...here I am.

Mao: hmm.

Peter: You guys want to eat this piece of paper I found on the street?

Abigail: No...why would we?

Peter: To each his own, I guess. I have to get to work...counting babies...See you around Nixon...I hope you feel better.

Beauregard: (to Abigail) those shoes make you look fat...

(Peter and Beauregard exit)

Abigail: That was unpleasant.

Mao: Kind of awkward....why wasn't Peter the Great wearing pants?

Abigail: I tried not to look.

Enter Machiavelli
Machiavelli: What the hell was that? There weren't even any jokes. This is the end of this feature. I am announcing a new feature, however..."The man on the street," will involve interviews with everyday people. Stay tuned.