Panel Discussion

There are some things that I can't handle by myself. So, starting today and reocurring whenever I need them, I'm going to have panel discussions to help you, my loyal readers, fully understand a topic. Before we jump right in, I think I should first introduce the panelists:



Prof. Hajib Mushra Jackson, Jr.
University of India. Syndicated Columnist for The Onion, New York Times, and Stupid Looking Guys Monthly.













Dr. Strange
Arrogant Neurosurgeon, Master of the Mystic Arts, Constantly Alluding to Things, Master Illusionist


















Rawpurt Issa Mooreon
Local Idiot









Grim Reaper
Death














Now on to the discussion...So what do you guys think of Halloween? Do you have any good expriences you'd like to share with the site?

Hajib: Halloween is one of the great American Holidays. It was first practiced by Native Americans in the 1930s to scare away demons. It was than taken up by Irish prostitutes living in Alaska. They would go door to door dressed up as sexy maids, devils, witches, tortillas, or what have you and ask for money (Treats) in exchange for sex (Tricks). They would say "Treats for Tricks." Eventually this would become the modern version of Halloween.

Machiavelli: Interesting. Also very not true. Any experiences?

Hajib: Oh yes! One time my friends and I dressed up as that guy from scream and--

Grim Reaper: This is boring.

Machiavelli: Yeah, I agree. This is a complete waste of time. Let's go on to someone more interesting...how about you Dr. Strange?

Dr. Strange: Halloween!! Ay yes. Ye see, once a year, the portal of absolute darkness opens and enters the world we call light...

Grim Reaper: Ye? wtf

Dr. Strange: (coughs to indicate he thinks the Grim Reaper is rude) so as I was saying...darkness overcomes thou light and ignites to once again become the sarrow of all...

Grim Reaper: thou light? what is this guy talking about? And why does it get so dark when he talks. Could someone turn on the light?

Machiavelli: Death, could you please stop interrupting. However, you're right, Dr. Strange clearly doesn't know what the hell he's saying. Hey! where's my watch?

Dr. Strange: Aww...one of the many illusions that you may come across this glorious Halloween.

Grim Reaper: How can Halloween be glorious??

Machiavelli: Let's move on... How about you Mooreon?

Mooreon: Eeep...snigget. Lobster4 fetish?

Machiavelli: Hmm...why did I include him in this?...Anyway...how about you death, surely you must have some great stories about Halloween.

Grim Reaper: Sorry, never heard of it.

Machiavelli: Never heard of it? How is that possible? You're...death. You practically define Halloween.

Grim Reaper: Sorry, I'm Norwegian... We don't do the whole Halloween thing in Norway.

Machiavelli: Alright, that's it. Panel discussion is over. I hate all of you. I apologize to all my readers. This will never be done again.

Grim Reaper: But you said we could discuss cookie recipes next week...

Dr. Strange: And what about my pants eating trick.

Machiavelli: Nope it's over. End of Panel...(How is eating pants a majic trick?)

Highlighted Clip of The Week

This was taken off the air for obvious reasons.

Highlighted Clip of the Week

Beard on or off?

If you liked that, here's a bonus clip. It's a little slow in the beginning, but the last 5 or 6 minutes are good comedy.

More Of-Less Of #500

Can you believe we're up to number 500 already?

More of: Nirvana Songs
Why is it that Tupac has released 10,000 songs since he died, yet Kurt Cobain has only released one (on a greatest hits box set). I know there's more out there and it is now been 12 years since his suicide. I've heard rumors that there are legal battles between the band and Courtney Love or something, but this is ridiculous. What could either parties be gaining by not releasing them? As a music enthusiast I demand more Nirvana!!




Less of: Ping-Pong Video Games
When I first heard they were going to make a ping-pong video game, the first thing I assumed was that it would be a Wii remake of the failed Nintendo version wherein you got to use a paddle that had absolutely no collision detection to where the ball was on the screen. My attitude towards this was the same as my complaint towards the original: Why not just play ping-pong? Ping-pong is relatively cheap and you only need two (or you could just play against a wall or something) people to play it. Why go virtual? Well, my initial confusion would be no match for what would come later...

In fact, the new Ping-pong game would not be a Nintendo remake, but instead would be on X Box 360. And to make it even more bizarre it would be made by Rockstar Games. For those of you not familar with this company, it basically makes one game: Grand Theft Auto. In fact just about every other game Rockstar has ever made is basically a copy of GTA: State of Emergency, Max Payne, and Red Dead Revolver. The only exception was a poor racing game called Midnight Club. So, one might ask, as I did, why is Rockstar going to make a ping-pong game?? The closest thing I could come to an explanation was that perhaps Rockstar was going to take a "sport" no one has done anything with in decades and "Blitzify" it...that is, make it extreme. That's a pretty strange idea, but I guess it could be pulled off.

Well, when I actually went to play a demo of the game I discovered that my assumptions were wildly wrong. When I began playing I immediately started pressing random buttons trying to figure out how I could pull out a chainsaw or rape the mother of my opponent, etc. To my surprise, there were no weapons or combos or even crazy looking characters. So, I kept playing the game, this time trying to figure out how to do a super smash or power hit or something. Makers of tennis games already have realized that the sport is so boring that you need some kind of wierd power up to make it interesting (In terms of how fun games of a type are, Tennis is about 1.5 times as good as Ping- Pong. For those keeping score, Tennis is roughly equivalent to Baseball which is 1/2 as good as Basketball, which is 3/4 as good as Hockey, which is 7/8 as good as Soccer, which is 1/2 as good as Football.) However, this game has none of those. Yes, that's correct. It is a SIMULATION ping-pong game...made by Rockstar games. When I realized this, I burst out laughing. This has to be a joke. Why would anyone want to play a well-rendered simulation ping-pong game where you can't create characters and have to use dorky Koreans? This has to be the stupidest game ever made. Who the hell greenlighted this madness??!

Highlighted Video of the Week

Here are two soccer related clips. Both of which are not really that funny, but I thought I should post them anyway.

1. I like THIS one mostly because it has Du Hast as the soundtrack. Anything becomes better when it is put to the music of Rammstein.

2. THIS is kinda stupid, but relatively funny. What ever happened to this guy?

The Greatest Mailcall Ever Contrived #4

Richard Gear from Birmingham, North Dakota writes,
"Have you ever covered yourself in vegatable oil? I've tried to do so several times, but each time I underestimate how much it's going to take. I mean, after you've covered yourself in vegatable oil you just can't go to the supermarket and buy more oil. I do have some dignity after all. Probably my favorite part of the whole ordeal is putting my clothes on after I've been completely covered. It feels totally wierd. Oh...in case you were wondering I do this naked. One word of advice though: wear a helmet. With all that slippery oil you're bound to fall over, which could cause serious injury. I learned that the hard way."

No.

As a brief update about our friend "Cannibal" Urlacher and his colleagues on the Chicago Bears defense:

Last night, the Bears were down 23 to 3 with 5 seconds left in the third quarter. The scoreline was a reflection of absolutely no offense on the Bears side of the ball. In fact, the offense had turned the ball over 6 times! The total ball possession for the Bears was a ludicrous 20 (of 60) minutes.

So, game over right? Wrong. The Bears defense and special teams proceeded to take the game over and score three touchdowns. Let me say that again...the Bears DEFENSE and SPECIAL TEAMS scored three touchdowns. That scary guy Urlacher had a forced fumble that lead to one of the touchdowns and 19...yes 19! tackles.

As a side note, I would like to rave about Matt Leinart, someone who I had no respect for before this game. I take that back, I respected his decision to stay in college for a superflous year (even if turned out to be a bad one.)

In any case, Leinart, in only his second pro game, handled the Bears defense expertly. He made a few mistakes, but he also threw for 232 yards and two touchdowns. Also, for the second time in a row he ran the 2 minute drill perfectly and set up his kicker for an easy game winning chip shot. For the second time, the kicker missed it. Despite my deep hatred for USC, I have to say I like this guy.

More Of- Less of #4

More Of: Stewart/Colbert '08
Wouldn't this be great. Now I'm not saying they would be good presidents, I'm just saying the election campaign would be hilarious. Imagine the news conferences, debates, convention speeches. The saddest part would be that they probably have more knowledge, experience, and intelligence than our current president when he took office. They may be goofy, but they wouldn't be caught doing this kind of crap. In all honesty, I'd probably prefer them to most of the candidates who are going to try to get the Democratic nomination (Hillary, Edwards, Biden.) What a sad state of affairs.

Less Of: Jokes that include Paris Hilton, Clay Aiken, the gay guy from N-SYNC, etc.

If you watch late night or any other daily comedy/ weekly comedy show you'll probably notice a lot of stupid jokes with one of the above as the object of comedy. You'll also probably notice that these jokes aren't really funny. The reason they're not funny is that comedy writers seem to have a set of fallback jokes that they just apply to whomever fits the model. For example, they have a set of jokes about sluts. When I first started watching late night, these jokes used Madonna. Later they would use Jennifer Lopez. Now they use Paris Hilton. Same thing with the gay jokes. Now its Clay Aiken, but before it was Richard Simmons, Elton John, etc. There's also a bunch for fat celebrities, stupid celebreties (now alternates between Jessica Simpson and George W.), and skinny celebrities (Calista Flockhart, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan). The first problem with these jokes is that they are so cookie-cutter that they rarely have anything to do with their subject matter. The jokes about Britney Spears being trailer trash in particular fit this mold. Conan especially seems to be trying to fit her into the "hillbilly" type jokes, but really it's a huge stretch. His jokes about her being a poor mother are usually better because they actually apply to her. The second problem is that they are about celebrities. Jokes about celebreties are categorically not funny. There are of course a few exceptions, but usually they're not funny because nobody really cares about celebreties. I don't really care about the life of an actor/actress on a movie I watch or the singer of a song I probably despise. It's a little bit like insulting old historical figures (for example, about Napoleon's wife being his least impenetrable line of defense)...they're sort of funny, but they have no bearing on your life. In the case of celebrities they are even less important.

Highlighted Video of the Week

Try to watch this and not laugh.

The Greatest Mailcall Ever Contrived #3

Jessica Humbolt from Houston, Missiissippi writes,

"Are we in danger of being attacked by North Korea?"
No. As long as we begin to treat Kim Jong Il the way every meglomaniac likes to be treated. Later this month Condaleeza Rice is planning to honor him with the Stanley Cup and in January, George W. is going to include Kim Jong Il in his "Axis of people we can't talk seriously about" (Along with Jesus and Mohammed) during his state of the union adress. Plus, I heard the U.S. State Department is going to supply Il with an official entertainment group. At this stage it looks like it'll be either Terrel Owens and Drew Bledsoe locked in a room with an array of knives or an elephant riding a bicycle.

Jamie Taylor from Oakland, Ontario writes,
"Some say that the Chicago Bears this year may have the best defense in NFL history. Some also say that the Oakland Raiders have the worst offense in NFL history. Do you really think this is true?"
It's too early to tell. Honestly I just posted that question to have an excuse to show a picture of that crazy cannibal Brian "Hannibal" Urlacher.

Oklahoma vs. Oregon Onside Kick

If you haven't seen this, do so now. There are four things to notice about this play:

One, the Oregon guy touches the ball before it goes 10 yards.
Two, if he doesn't touch it, then an Oregon guy is interfering with the Oklahoma player before it goes 10 yards, also invalidating the play.
Three, the Oklahoma player clearly picks up the ball and it was never recovered by Oregon.
Four, what the hell were the refs thinking?

To see the refs postgame response to the play go here.

More Of-Less of #3

More Of: Absolutely Ridiculous Clips Like This

Watch till the end and see what party the Congressmen from Florida belongs to. Fox is brilliant.

(By the way, that counts as two "Highlighted Clips of the Week" in the bag)


Less Of: Oliver Stone Movies

Why is it that the only major director making political movies in America (aside from Michael Moore), is a complete nutball? While I loosely admire Stone's attempt to tackle historical episodes (assasination of JFK, Nixon, Vietnam, 9/11) he does it so poorly that he does more harm than good.
I have four major criticisms of Oliver Stone:
1. He's Crazy.
Anyone who's seen JFK realizes that Stone is basically a nutty conspiracy theorist. Although he does have some prescient points, his overall arguement (that JFK was shot so that LBJ could reverse JFK's pullout of Vietnam) is a serious underestimation of Kennedy's stupidity.
2. All form and no substance
Any Given Sunday is a good example of this trait. Instead of making a movie about football (which I don't know why you would), Stone uses fancy camera angles and completely ridiculous scenes (a QB with a penchant for vomiting uncontrollably between plays and a player who loses an eye after getting hit) to make a movie that has nothing to do with the sport. There was absolutely no point to making this film. Cinematically it was superb...but why make the movie?

3. Once he makes a movie nobody else can
Because of Stones bizzare portrayel of Nixon in which you didn't really learn anything about him except that he was paranoid, no one else can make a movie about one of the most fascinating political figures of the last 40 years. World Trade Center will probably have a similar effect. Stone's best movies are about topics that have been beaten to death (like Vietnam) because he's adding an absurd, eccentric quality to those events. If his movie is the ONLY movie about a particular event, than all he does is seriously distort reality.

4. Alexander
What the hell was this?? The worst movie I've ever seen, that's what. Not only did it have WAY too much gay stuff, but the battle scenes and storyline were TERRIBLE.

I must admit that Stone has made so many movies that some are actually quite good. For example, Platoon, Natural Born Killers, and Born on the 4th of July. But for everyone of these movies he has made movies that had no reason to be made (U-Turn, Heaven and Earth, and Talk Radio) or were just...blah (The Doors, Wall Street.)

Highlighted Video of the Week #2!!

Enjoy

Pay particular attention to what they bleep out.

Well, it's practically Tuesday, which means it's practically time for:

The Greatest Mailcall Ever Contrived #2:

Tommy L. Jones from Trenton, Missouri writes,
"Something has been puzzling me for some time and I hope you could shed some light on it. Why is it that people are so crazy about Pandas, but they don't care about other animals that are even in more danger of becoming extinct?"
I hate to say it, but there's a pretty obvious answer. Panda's have enormous military potential. If we could harness the power of the Panda, then this Iraq war would already be over. I hate to say it, but we are a violent society and panda's just happen to fit into our plans of more destruction.

Juliet Morrison from Topeka, California writes,
"What do you prefer? Halibut or Cockney Accents?"
Yes.