A prophecy?

Here's some good comedy from MSNBC's "Morning Joe" behind the scenes

Not bad...

Tired Of Traffic? A New DOT Report Urges Drivers: 'Honk'

Apparently Clinton and Obama agree on some issues...

link

My Favorite Pinky and the Brain

Enjoy

here's the best part of the Aqua Teen Movie:

Bon Voyage: Part III

(sigh) it's me again...Death.

To be honest I'm a little tired. I've spent the last couple of days touring France with two imbeciles.

As the Doughboy posted last time, we met up with his insane cousin Monsieur Doughmans and he served as our tour guide. The Doughboy already covered the first couple of days (at least the part of the post where he wasn't completely delusional). Right now he's sleeping, so I decided I'd just get it out of the way and update on what happened the last couple of days.

Well, as the earlier post hinted, relations between the Doughboy and his cousin were beginning to sour. Although the arguments didn't make any sense, there sure were a lot of them. All this friction culminated in a confrontation at the Arc de Triumph. After taking turns screaming at one another, the "discussion" broke down to the Doughboy yelling "biscuits," while his cousin yelled "croissants." To be more exact it was a high pitched "biiiiiiiiisssssssssss-kitttttttttttssssssssss" vs. "Croyyyyyyyyyyyyysawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwntsssssss." This lasted for about 3 and a half hours. Finally the Doughboy broke down crying and ran away We went back to the hotel and he ended up sobbing through the rest of the day and most of the night (as I tried to get some sleep).

By the next morning, the Doughboy's spirits were up, except he didn't want to see his cousin anymore. He was ok until we started breakfast. They served us croissants and he really blew up, demanding biscuits and using rather vulgar language.

After that we headed over to the Palace of Versailles. It was there that I learned that the Doughboy shouldn't be trusted with...well, anything. I don't know where he got it, but he brought an oven with him and he just started cooking...right in the middle of the palace!

I have to say, considering the limitations involved, his cookies were pretty good. I guess he's good for something.

As it turns out, we were both arrested for our activities. Luckily, I didn't have a record, but they had a lot of questions for the Doughboy. Apparently there was an outstanding warrant for his arrest in France based on a scandalous murder. This was all based on a very well-known photograph taken of the event that appeared on newspapers throughout the country (see right). Somehow, he was able to convince the French officer that the picture was of his cousin, Monseuir Doughmans. They believed him for some reason (apparently this Doughmans character is well known in France for...you know...being crazy.) I could tell it was actually the Doughboy, but I didn't say anything. The French are pushovers anyway.

After that, we met with new French President-elect Nicolas Sarkozy. Once again, Ukranian PM Victor Yanukoyvch was there. It was a little bit weird. I think that Yanukoyvch guy is following us. Anyway, he and the Doughboy didn't get along at first. Pillsbury committed a bit of a 'faux paus' by asking why the French are all panzies. Sarkozy countered by asking why Americans liked biscuits so much, since croissants were so much better. I thought it was about to get ugly, but then...the Doughboy just started dancing...and dancing. To my surprise everyone seemed delighted. Boy, was I relieved. I thought he was going to start an international incident, but as it turned out, the dancing was a big hit. Sarkozy even invited him to come back later after his inauguration. If you want to see the whole dance click here. It was quite a show.

To conclude, it wasn't so bad after all. Just when I thought I wish I had the ability to kill myself (one of the drawbacks of being Death), Pillsbury actually pulled through. After all, he got rid of Monsieur Doughmans, we had an interesting time at Versailles (with cookies), and he really brought down the house with the President.

I never thought I'd say this with enthusiasm, but...Bon Voyage!

Bramlet im Rekordrausch - Hamburg Sea Devils gewinnen Yello Strom World Bowl XV

OH GLORIOUS VICTORY!!!!

The Sea Devils are World Bowl Champions!!!!!!!!!

Hamburg destroyed Frankfurt and fully avenged centuries of persecution and oppression. The Sea Devils, led by World Bowl MVP Casey Bramlet could not be stopped. Click here for a complete game summary.

For those of you who didn't see it, World Bowl XV will go down in history as one of the greatest games ever played. It will be replayed later today on the NFL Network and will likely appear often on ESPN classic.
INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Truly, not a game, but a party!

Die letzten Splitter rund um den Yello Strom World Bowl XV

Tomorrow at 10 A.M. PST the Hamburg Sea Devils will take on the Frankfurt Galaxy in World Bowl XV. I can't wait!

Go Sea Devils!!!!

If you want some good comedy...

check out the new Obama '08 ringtones!

Pretty good...

In The Know: Kim Jong-Il's Approval Rating Plummets to 120%

Bon Voyage, Part II

I found my pen! I can finally write in my journal! ---I'm so excited...I just can't hide it...---

Anyway, for our second destination we visited France...which turned out to be a real piece of garbage. There wasn't a single Giant Wang.






We were met at the airport with a bonjour by my cousin, Monsieur Doughmas (It's pronounced Doe-mah)...I hate that guy.
He showed us around the city of Paris. The whole time he was going on and on about how Croissants were better than biscuits. He was also saying that the best pastries have snails and frogs in them...that's bullsh*t! Everyone knows that cow manure is the best foundation for any desert! He just wouldn't stop. We were at like a cafe...whatever that is...and he was like: "Your food sucks...there's not a single snail in your Chocolate Chip Cookies" and I was like "first of all, there probably are a couple...I mean I put everything in there...but you're a dumbass." I kinda made the "dumbass" sound like "Dumas"so that this French f*ck would understand. Geez, I hate that guy. Even when we were at the Louvre, he was always pushing his stupid French food:Even Death was getting sick of it and usually he's just sick of me. Here this Monsieur guy was bugging us about his snail talk when I was there trying to solve the mystery of the De Vinci code. Apparently a certain Carlos De Vinci had left a code in one of his paintings that PROVES that I am the father of God or something like that. Also, there was this crazy whipping guy who looked just like me except he didn't have a hat and he was slightly taller and also the devil was there eating these weird steak things and I hate Tom Hanks when he's not like acting like that Gump guy and Apollo 13 was pretty cool. The sequel was lame...it was made by Famous Amos probably. Those cookies are so dumb. Not a single bit of cow manure. I should make a movie. It could be about my amazing adventures in Bowland. I met the Prime Minister and stuff and he was ok...And there was this HUGE bowl (that's where the country gets its name, by the way) that was so awesome and totally there. I think tomorrow we'll go visit France...

...to be continued

Hamburg Sea Devils und NFL Europa vermelden neuen Zuschauerrekord

THE SEA DEVILS ARE GOING TO WORLD BOWL XV!!!!!!!! Unbelievable!

The Sea Devils will face...yes...the Frankfurt Galaxy next Saturday in what will probably be the last World Bowl of all time. Talk about a climax.

I can't believe this is legal tender:

Well, neither could the Polish when they heard that the Doughboy had bought their...umm..."giant wang" using very suspiscious currency:
Hopefully, they're moving towards the Euro. As it turned out the doughboy had swindled and seduced the prime minister with his suggestive dancing and convinced him to do some...reworking at the Polish treasury.

On an unrelated note, in commemoration for being on the Kazakh 10 for a record 23 weeks, I have been awarded the most prestigious prize that can be given by the nation of Kazakhstan...that's right, they put me on their weird hocus-pocus money:

June 16: Bon Voyage!

It's me, Death. The agreement was that Pilsbury would do all the journal entries, but today he insisted that he didn't have a pen...(the journal is entirely done online, by the way...also, why would that make ME have to do it...really he's been like this the whole time.)

Anyway, for our first destination we (he) decided to visit the beautiful (?) nation of Poland. For some reason, the doughboy was convinced that Polish was just English spoken with a heavy French accent (hence the title of this post, which he insisted upon). It also resulted in many confusing episodes in which Pilsbury would yell profanities with a French accent whenever he was talking to the locals. I pointed out that even if they did understand him, it would still be very rude, but he seemed unconcerned.

We arrived in Warsaw in the morning via Pilsbury's private jet. Seriously, how does this guy have so much money? The doughboy insisted that our first stop should be to visit the "giant bowl." He kept talking about it, and I couldn't figure out why until I started listening to him some more...As it turns out, he thought we were visiting "Bowland," ...not "Poland." After I broke the news to him he was visibly disappointed and didn't want to get out of the plane...he was being a real baby about it. I explained to him that we had a full itinerary to no avail. I was able to get him finally to leave when I promised we'd go to "Bowland" next time...hopefully he'll forget about it.

I was given a camera and put in charge of the pictures after...well Pilsbury's pictures were a little confusing...here's a picture he took in downtown Warsaw:
You can see our consternation. How did the Doughboy find the only Muslim lady in Poland and manage to take a blurry picture of her? Anyway, here are some of my pictures:
See: the country isn't a complete sh*thole when you see it through right lens. After the doughboy saw those pictures, he complained that he wasn't in them and started throwing a tantrum. I really didn't care, but I at least pretended to take pictures with him in it. For example, in this one, of what Pillsbury referred in the schedule book as the "Giant Wang," he's just to the left of the picture. If you look carefully you can see his arm...he's going to be pissed. Taking that picture with the "wang" almost made him forget about the whole 'bowl' thing. He started calling it "Wangland".


After touring the city of Warsaw, we arrived fashionably late to our appointment with Polish Prime Minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski (or whom the Doughboy called the King of Wangland).

Kaczynski admitted that he was also meeting with the Ukrainian PM Victor Yanukoyvch. Pillsbury thought it would be a great opportunity to embarrass himself in front of two world leaders. Actually, the meeting didn't go so badly...that is until Pilsbury started dancing...on the table...and claiming it was a traditional Polish folklore dance (he may have said Wangland instead of Poland, though). The worse part is that he just kept dancing...for like 45 minutes. After he was done, things got even more awkward. He asked the Prime Minister...or should I say interrupted the Prime Minister...and asked him how many Jews he had killed in the holocaust (keep in mind he was still doing the French accent). Kaczynski politely replied that he wasn't alive when the war ended. The Doughboy then got distracted and starting yelling more profanities. Once I realized he was going to pull out his repertoire of Polish jokes, I decided it was time to escort him away before things got worse. With that we left for the airport and headed towards our next destination. Hopefully things will get a little better...

(sigh...) Bon Voyage!

Some bad news for you, some good news for me...

As it turns out, this site has not generated as much revenue as I would have hoped/ based my estimated level of acceptable gambling losses. Thus, I have decided to turn to advertising. I auctioned off space on this site to the highest corporate bidder.

Several large multinational companies attended the auction with the hope of reaching one of the most reliable audiences on the internet. For a weekly post, the bidding started at $50,000. Amazon opened the bidding, but Nissan quickly pushed the value up to $60,000. Google, Nissan, and General Electric got into a bit of a bidding war, which caused the value to raise to $85,000. At $87,000, Google was one count away from winning when suddenly, out of nowhere, a representative from Pilsbury Enterprises put in their own bid for $10 gazillion! After informing the firm that gazillion wasn't a number, they wagered $10 million. Everyone in the room groaned. A bidder from IBM complained, "He always pulls this sh*t. Why did we even come here if he was going to do this nonsense." When asked to comment on why the company had bid far and above what was necessary to win the spot, the representative (obviously the Doughboy with a stupid fake mustache) replied, "Who what what in the what where?"

Well, I'm not going to complain.

Apparently, Pilsbury Enterprises is going to use the spot for weekly diaries of their CEO in his travels around the world. I don't know how this will help sell products, but, well, I'm not going to complain. The company also demanded that they take a spokesman from this site on the journeys to help boost interest. Since he and I are having a tiff, I decided to send Death.

Anyway, stay tuned for the new weekly feature. Here's the graphic, by the way:


...I'm sorry.

Post Worthy?

Russia Engages In Saber Rattling

Recently, Russia has engaged in what seem to be Soviet-era tactics, such as a ballistic missile test, a threat to target Europe, and a suspected cyberattack against Estonia. Here are some other examples of Cold War behavior:

Feb. 17, 2005—Putin adopts a hammer and sickle as the Russian AIM buddy icon

Nov. 10, 2005—Putin flat-out accuses Bush of spreading capitalism

July 15–17, 2006—While hosting the 32nd annual G8 summit, Putin makes "yap-yap-yap" hand motions the entire time anyone else is talking

Oct. 18, 2006—Russia asks Latvia, the Ukraine, and Uzbekistan if they might want to reunite

April 14, 2007—That little boy whom Putin kissed on the bare stomach? He's dead

May 9, 2007—Putin poisons anyone who isn't nodding in agreement

May 19, 2007—Putin orders forging of giant saber, for rattling purposes

June 8, 2007—Putin says in an interview with The New York Times that he would enjoy a scenario where the U.S. and Russia are interlocked in a world conflict that could ultimately end in global annihilation

Worthy of a Post? You decide...

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

The Address of this blog will change one week from today to:

http://thegreatestthoughtsevercontrived.blogspot.com/

Please update your bookmarks accordingly.

#5

"My experience has been that the people who talk the loudest about morality are the people who possess the least amount of it."







Nice Shirt.

Ninjas in the News Today

This is very odd. Ninjas haven't been in the news lately. By lately, I mean like 300 years.




"Italian police have arrested a Russian "ninja" who had been spreading fear across farmlands in the north of the country.

The man, camouflaged in an all black suit, had robbed several farmers and their families at knife point, police say.

Police had been searching for him for several weeks.

Ninjas were trained for stealth. They first appeared in 14th Century Japan and were famed as assassins and spies.

Outwitted

For several weeks the police had been scouring the countryside looking for shadows.

The "ninja" was known to have struck several times - his head wrapped in a black bandana, a powerful bow in one hand and a knife strapped to his leg.

He targeted isolated farms late at night forcing farmers to hand over cash and valuables at arrow point.

His victims were usually so afraid they didn't report the attacks until some days later.

But on Monday night the "ninja" was outwitted.

As he smashed through the door of a farmhouse, a feisty old pensioner was waiting for him.

Former soldier

The old man came down the stairs but tripped on the last step letting off his rifle.

Startled, the "ninja" made his escape, hopping onto a bicycle and racing off into the nearby cornfields - followed by police who were quickly on the scene.

Police eventually trailed him to an abandoned farmhouse where he was arrested.

He was later identified as Igor Vaclavic, a former soldier from the Russian army.

He was caught carrying night scopes and a head torch.

When asked about his chosen disguise, he told police he had been inspired by his boyhood idol - Robin Hood."

Um...sorry Igor...Robin Hood was not a ninja.

Here's a picture of Robin Hood---->

And Here's a picture of a Ninja------>

Notice the lack of resemblance. Also, neither Ninjas or Robin Hood used bicycles to escape.

(I would just like to point out, for the record, that this story is about a Russian guy in Italy dressed as a Japanese guy emulating an English guy)

Football-Party auf Schienen: Sea Devils bieten Sonderzug zum Yello Strom World Bowl XV

I know, I know...it's been a while since I updated about the Hamburg Sea Devils. It's not that I wasn't following them, it's that I didn't want to jinx them. Well, I can't hold it any longer! Believe it or not, the Sea Devils have gone on an historic run and are one game away from making their first appearance at a World Bowl. A win against...yes, you guessed it...super arch-rivals the Frankfurt Galaxy will book them a place in what could be the final World Bowl of all time. Interestingly, if the Sea Devils win, they may end up playing the Galaxy again in the World Bowl. Next weekend's game, then, may be the biggest game in football history given the historic rivalry between the two cities. Long-time celebrity supporters of the Sea Devils have already been flocking to the city in preparation. I will be dressed and ready come gametime...GO SEA DEVILS.
(..that is the mascot, by the way...here's another:
Is he supposed to be a pirate or something...I don't get it.)

#4 from the hideous Mr. Carville

"In the Clinton administration we worried the president would open his zipper. In the Bush administration, they worry the president will open his mouth."

In regard to "Paris Hilton is a Stupid, Spoiled Bitch"...

Rarely do I wish harm upon others (a bold faced lie), but I would just like to hit Paris Hilton repeatedly with a heavy and very spikey cactus. What really upsets me is not the fact that she flaunted the law (typical), didn't expect to get punished (too used to being rich), found a get out of jail early card (transfer to house arrest is actually quite common for crimes like hers and it was only compounded because the prison needed special protection for her), or her pathetic crying and pouting about being sent back to serve the sentence she was fairly given (part spoiled, part bitchy, part stupidity)...it's the complaint I've had about every news article, reality TV show, special report, headline TV broadcast, or feature story on entertainment tonight that I've ever seen about her: WHY THE HELL ARE WE EVEN PAUSING TO THINK/DISCUSS THIS IMBECILE WITH NO TALENT OR RATIONALE TO EXIST??? She's not even attractive. Her show was stupid (it wasn't even so stupid that it was entertaining...it was just stupid), her sex video was mostly of low quality, her fashion sense is disturbing, and her CD...did you know she has a CD??...her CD is...do I even have to describe it?
It would be a cliche to say Paris Hilton is everything wrong with America. It would give her too much credit. No, no...she's just ...really.........well, someone (me) should beat her with a heavy and spikey cactus.

New Issue of Machiavelli Monthly!

hehe...I guess it really was in bad taste...

For those of you who saw my May 31 post, you may remember that the link at the bottom took you to an Onion item that ran with the headline, Bill Belichek Finding New and Interesting Ways to Cut Players, with a picture of the recovery scene of recently deceased Patriots player Marquis Hill.

Undoubtedly because of pressure from this site, the item has now been changed. Apparently it was in bad taste even for them. The new item can be found here.

As you can see, it doesn't really make sense anymore.