HUGE ANNONCEMENT: What you've all been waiting for...

The Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived Goes Corporate

Conspiracy Consensus: It all comes together

Weekly Quotes with Dr. K

"Heavy metal is Led Zeppelin and Jimi Hendrix played twice as fast and half as good."

"Oh yeah, remember these [wannabe] goth kids, 'oh, I'm going to wear all black and be real cute.' Well, if they went to a real goth party they would have been trying to find the backdoor while sh*tting their pants. What was all that about?"

Special Note: Loyal fans can still find this picture in the archives if they are so inKLINEd.

New Feature: Weekly Quotes With Dr. Kline

That's right! A new feature...weekly quotes from my African history professor, Dr. Kline. Here we go:

"The Middle Ages? What the f*ck is that? That's not a name. The middle of what? Were they even trying?"

Odd Advertising Campaign

If you see the new army recruitment commercials you'll notice that they're now offering a free sportswatch for signing up. Wow...now you can make the biggest decision in your life with the same kind of inducements that you would find when buying a box of cereal. I shouldn't say that, it's probably a very good watch. I wonder how many more people are going to join just for the watch..."yeah, I didn't want to join because I don't want to die or get wounded, I would be in an unfriendly warzone with ambiguous objectives and underarmed vehicles, and they would keep extending my enlistment, but now that there's a watch involved...well that changes everything."

Conspiracy Consensus: The Conspiracy Gets Bigger

1st Issue

Clips

A good episode

There are a few things funny about this clip. My favorite is Brit Hume's smug laugh at the end.

Items

Item 1: For those that watched the State of the Union...I have three questions. One, what was up with the autograph signing at the end? Congressmen of the United States of America were asking for Bush's autograph like he was Peyton Manning and they were 12 year old kids. Aren't the branches of government supposed to be equal? The whole scene was very surreal. Two, why were all the pundits so excited that Bush had congratulated the Democrats and shook Pelosi's hand. What were they expecting? Bush to attack the party that held both Congresses while kicking Pelosi in the jaw? Three,...Dikembe Mutumbo? Very bizarre.

Item 2: The first time I saw the trailer for "The Number 23" (I was watching Comedy Central), I thought it was a joke. It looks ok, but in the trailer they come up all these instances of "23" that just make no sense. If you see it you'll know what I mean.

Item 3: The Oakland Raiders have become my favorite team...to laugh at. I had a good time laughing at them the whole season. From their bed and breakfast offensive coordinator to Art Shell staring at this clipboard, they truly earned the title as "worst team in the league." I am a 49er fan, but I don't dislike the Raiders particularly. They're probably my third or 4th favorite team and I usually kinda watch their games. Yet I couldn't help deriving immense pleasure from the misery. I'm sure part of it comes from my hatred of Al Davis, one of the stupidest persons involved in sports. Also, part of it is that this team really shouldn't be that bad. They have a Top 10 defense that even won them a few games and kept them in a lot more. They have decent talent on offense (Randy Moss, Porter, Lamont Jordan, and between Walter and Brooks there's one good QB) and the best punter (and most overrated kicker) I've ever seen. However, a combination of lack of motivation, poor coaching, and Al Davis's insanity seems to doom them to failure.

Recently, the Raiders have been threatening to become even more hilarious. First, Al Davis chose his new coach, Lane Kiffin. Davis didn't have too many options because who would want to coach this team under an insane clown like himself, so he had to scrounge the bottom of the barrel. After being turned down by one USC assistant coach, Davis went for the more worryingly unqualified Kiffin. Kiffin as you can tell by the picture, is very young (31). Several players, including Warren Sapp who's got three years on him, are older than him. Kiffin is also, as you can tell by the picture, one of those people who always looks lost (What my dad calls "Boca Abertas"). That could be because he was not qualified to call plays for a college team, much less Head Coach an NFL team. Many analysts saw Kiffin's participation for USC as a serious handicap (not addition) to their offense and many fans are enthusiastic about Walt Harris, the horrible coach for the 1-11 Stanford Cardinal, taking his place. Many also claim that Kiffin only had the job as a favor by Pete Carrol for his mentor, Monte Kiffin, who is Kiffin's father. In any case, this promises to be a hilarious season. If only they had a bigger star at QB that was overrated and constantly getting into trouble.

Ah...what's that...a possible trade to get Michael Vick?? Sounds perfect.

New Predictions

Record: 6-4

Colts beat Bears (the Colts are just a different defense with Bob Sanders. Imagine if Mike Doss wasn't injured).

Also, Warriors finish one game behind .500 (40-42) and miss the playoffs...again.

Spark of Genius

Am I the only one who has sparks of genius in the weird period in between being conscious and being asleep? Everything's kind of dreamy and then all of a sudden something hits you. Usually it's something that in retrospect seems obvious. It happens a lot for me when I'm writing papers or trying to figure out some problem.

Well, this morning I had one such spark of genius. I'm sure others have mentioned this and in hindsight it's sooo obvious...For a while I've noticed that Steve Nash looked oddly familiar and now I know why: Steve Nash is actually Iggy Pop! It all makes sense now! Look through the looking glass here people... Can you guess which one's which? (Answers at the bottom)












































































Answer: They're all the same person...I call him Stiggy Pash.

That's HOT!

It looks like my New Year's Resolution to not post pornography only lasted 18 days: Hornymanatee.com

New Predictions

Current Playoff Record: 5-3

Predictions for next week:
Colts and Saints win.

David Beckham: The Most Overrated Player Ever??

Today, David Beckham signed for the Los Angeles Galaxy for $250 million over 5 years, making him the highest paid athlete in team sports ever. He is 31.

Now, I could make an emotional plea: "I hate David Beckham," ...but I will attempt to remain rational...Even if you're one of his biggest fans, I think we can all agree that he is slightly overrated. He has scored a number of clutch goals and set up countless others. He is possibly the best free-kick taker in the history of soccer. He can do with the ball what no one else can. When he's hot, he can be a dominating attacking player on the right. Yet, to be paid that much money and be held in such high regard (the reason the Galaxy made the offer is because they knew they could get ridiculous crowds to see him), one must certainly be the best player in the world. I think we can all agree that this is far from the case.

First, Beckham has rarely been the best player on his team...much less the world. During his early years at Manchester, he was among the best, and argueably the best on that team. He had to share that title with the likes of Giggs, Scholes, or Schmeichal. Later, he was far eclipsed by Van Nistelrooy. After leaving Manchester, because he was replaced by Solksjaer, he went to Real Madrid. All can agree that he made almost zero impact on the club. Real Madrid has won nothing since he arrived. He has never been the best player on that team either...being eclipsed by Zidane and now, once again, Van Nistelrooy.
As for his performances for England, a few things should be mentioned. Not only has this "great player" never led his team victory, but England, with Beckham, has never appeared beyond the semifinals in either the World or European Cup. As for his actual performances, in his first World Cup (98), he was criticized by his coach, didn't start the first two matches, scored one goal, and may have cost his team success by being ejected against Argentina for...well being an idiot. In Euro 2000, England did not advance and Beckham did not score. In 2002, his only goal came on a penalty kick. In Euro 2004, Beckham was a huge disapointment and missed a PK against France and then Portugal that caused their exit. And in 2006, Beckham was named captain, created a few chances through free kicks, and seemed to completely slow down England's attack for the entire cup. He was replaced in the final game against Portugal because of injury wherein someone fast (Lennon) actually started making some plays on the right side.
Beckham has never been named either European or World Footballer of the Year.

Does this sound like the Resume of a great player?
Well, you might say, even if he didn't win much (except for the triple Manchester wins in 1999) or star on any team, he could still have an enormous impact on the field. Well, first let me say that never in the history of sports has this been a criteria for deciding who is a good player... Who's better Joe Montana or Dan Marino?... In any case, I will also argue that Beckham has minimal impact on the field...

Beckham is what you could call an incomplete player. He doesn't defend. He doesn't dribble or pass well (although I will admit he is better than most...at best above average). He isn't fast. He isn't tall, good at headers, or strong. He rarely takes long distance shots. In fact he only does two things...take free-kicks and make crosses. Given, he probably does that better than anyone. Yet, there are plenty of very versatile players that can are nearly as good at it. Ronaldinho, Roberto Carlos, Zidane, and Del Piero come to mind. In many ways, Beckham is kind of a circus act. There are trick performers that can make a basketball shot from the midcourt line over 90% of the time. Yet, they are not in the NBA...they're on the globetrotters. Why? Because in a team sport like soccer you need to be a team player capable of doing many things. You must also be very athletic and skilled. These are all qualities that Beckham either lacks or is average in.

So, why is Beckham so highly rated? One, is that he creates opportunities...something essential to a successful soccer team. Yet, there are plenty of players that you will never hear about who create a wider range of chances and play as more complete players. The real reasons why Beckham is highly rated are the following:

1. According to females, he's attractive. (Ronaldinho will never make $50 million a year)
2. He's British. This makes him big in the ex-colonies and an infatuation for the British Press. Also, Americans for some reason follow British soccer relatively closely.
3. There's a famous movie with his name on it.
4. He's married to a quasi-celebrity.
5. People keep saying that he's really good.

When Jose Mourinho was asked if Chelsea would be trying to sign Beckham, he responded, 'I'm trying to organize a soccer team, not make a movie." I think that pretty much says it all. I don't know or care about the LA Galaxy, but I'm pretty sure their first priority here was to sell tickets, not win games. The contract is absurd. Beckham even in his prime (about 6 years ago) wasn't worth half that much. Did the Galaxy forget that Manchester United let him go 3 years ago because he was already washed up. So, he fit in well with other overpaid washed up superstars in Real Madrid. Now, Real Madrid is done with him (because he's really washed up and shouldn't even have been playing in the last World Cup) and he gets a huge contract??!

I think Beckham is worthy of being called the most overrated player ever of any sport. Honestly, even at his prime he was not amongst the top 15 players in the world. Now, he's a joke. If I were building a team, he would be the antithesis of what kind of player I would want. All style and no substance. Soccer should be ashamed of his success. I only hope that the publicity he will be getting will not further damage American's perception of a very entertaining sport.

More Boring Lists

Best Presidents:

1. FDR

2. Lincoln

3. Washington

4. Jackson

5. Jefferson

6. Truman

7. Theodore Roosevelt

8. Eisenhower

9. Wilson

10. Polk

Since I'm in a listing mood...

Coolest philosopher in history: Socrates

Coolest King in history: Peter the Great

Coolest Queen in history: Catherine the Great

Coolest guy to become president in history: Ulysses S. Grant

Coolest presidency: FDR

Coolest General in history: hmm...this one's tough...it's either Rommel, Patton, Hannibal, Yamamoto, George Washington, Nuno Alves Pereira, or if you count him as a general, Spartacus.

Coolest Communist: Ho Chi Minh...take that Che.

Most Overrated General: Robert E. Lee edges out Napoleon.

Most Evil Person in History: Hitler

Most Evil Person in History not in the 20th century: Ivan the Terrible

(Most Evil Rulers of all time:
1. Hitler
2. Stalin
3. Mao
4. Pol Pot
5. Ivan the Terrible
6. Nero
7. King Leopold II
8. Ne Win
9. Robespierre
10. Ying Zheng) [5 in the 20th century]

Worst President: Harding if he lived long enough...but really it's Buchanan. George W. is making a run for it though.

Worst Vice President: Aaron Burr

Best Vice President: tough because he doesn't do anything...I'll give it to Nixon.

Worst Secretary of State: Dean Acheson (I blame him for the Cold War)

Best Secretary of State: William Seward

Worst Secretary of Commerce: Robert Lamont

Best Secretary of Commerce: Herbert Hoover

Worst Secretary of Defense/War: : Simon Cameron (yes, worse than the scapegoat Rumsfeld)

Best Secretary of Defense/War: tie between Stanton and Stimson

Most Overrated Political Theorist in History: tie between Machiavelli and Locke

Most Underrated Political Theorist in History: tie between Clausewitz, Hobbes, and Sun Tzu

Overrated/ Underrated: Bands

The Most Overrated and Underrated Bands as determined by me and my perception of how popular they are.

Most Overated

1. The Eagles
2. Van Halen
3. Jay Z
4. Fleetwood Mac
5. David Bowie
6. AC/DC
7. The Clash
8. Elvis
9. Bruce Springsteen
10. U2

Most Underrated

1. Days of the New
2. Squirrel Nut Zippers
3. R.E.M.
4. Cat Stevens
5.Cream
6. Chuck Berry
7. Soundgarden
8.Dandy Warhols
9. Black Sabbath
10. Fiona Apple



Feel free to disagree, but here are a few of my justifications:
-U2 is okay, but they're not as good as all the publicity they get.
-Days of the New aren't the best band in the world, but for how little they're known, they're pretty good. Same deal with SNZ
-You might be thinking...how can you call R.E.M. underrated, given how big they are, but I would remind you that according to VH1, R.E.M. comes in at number 50 on the best bands of the 20th century (behind every band in my overrated list except Jay Z and AC/DC, not to mention, Sly and the Family Stone, The Sex Pistols, Joni Mitchell, and Roy Orbison...I rest my case).

Various Football Predictions:

For the record:

Before the Season started, my final four was:
Indy, San Diego, Dallas, and Carolina with the Colts beating the Panthers in the Super Bowl.

Before the Playoffs started, I predicted final 4 would be Indy, San Diego, Dallas, and the Saints with the Chargers beating the Saints in the Superbowl.

Predictions on Friday:
wins for Colts, Jets, Eagles, and Cowboys.

Predictions for next week:
Colts, Chargers, Bears, and Saints win.

For no reason: Hack a Shaq

This is Crazy!!

Go WAC

they actually ran the old hook-and-ladder.

Conspiracy Consensus: The Truth About the Invasion of Iraq

Previously in this blog I revealed that the MLB had pushed for what would become the Iraq debacle. However, new information has informed me that this is just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, Bush's decision to invade Iraq can only be understood in terms of a power struggle occurring within the Whitehouse.

As has been widely reported, key members of the Bush administration began pushing for invasion of Iraq even before he took office. Calling themselves "The Ducklings" (pictured right), this group was instrumental in
pushing for action against Saddam.

It is not widely known, however, that these "Ducklings" were all agents of the MLB. In an effort to lobby the international olympic committee to reinstate baseball into the Summer olympics, the MLB hoped that by toppling the oppressive regime of Saddam (which was forbidden from participation in the celebrated games), Iraq would be able to push for the inclusion of the sport. As many know, Iraq is one of the few Middle Eastern Countries where baseball is popular. Ironically, even Saddam Hussein was an avid fan.

Shortly after 9/11, many of "The Ducklings," including Paul Duckowitz and Richard Armiduck, had an organizational meeting with the MLB lobbyist Joseph Catsopher (pictured right). According to my sources, it was at this meeting, that "The Ducklings" and the MLB decided to orchestrate the invasion of Iraq.

To accomplish this, "The Ducklings" had to first outmaneuver the chief critics of the invasion. This group, mostly located in the State Department, calling itself "The Eagles," and headed by Colin Poweagle, stressed caution and patience. Yet through political indealing and close connections with the Department of Defense, "The Ducklings" were able to get the president's ear. Bush soon would ask for the resignation of most of "The Eagles" (pictured left).

Look through the looking glass here people. "The Ducklings" have hijacked our political system and gotten us into a terrible war. We must rise up and and demand accountability. Bush's replacement of Donald Rummsfeld (pictured right) is only a stalling tactic. The real blame must be placed where it really belongs: baseball.

Blatant Stealing: