More (less funny) Cats

These things are addictive. Despite the pictures, these are 90% new.

Soccer News

It looks like Adu is coming to this blog's official soccer team, SL Benfica. If nothing else, he'll sell jerseys. Benfica were able to sign him for the paltry amount of 2 million Euros ($2.7 million). Considering his age and his potential, this is an incredible deal.
The first time I saw him play was in the U-20 World Cup and he looked phenomenal. Apparently, he hasn't done much in the MLS, but I think he'll fit in well at Benfica playing on the wings (where the team is a little thin since selling Simao). I'm really excited about the team this year, not because of Adu, but because of another signing: a Paraguayan center forward named Cordozo. We'll have to wait and see how they do.Some clips of the new signing:

NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'

More Demetri Martin

Why are cats so damn funny?

Good Stuff

This is even cooler than the other one...

Link

Well, I was going to make that image the entire 200th post extravaganza, but I decided to add a picture of the event...That's Bolton, me, Hillary (or Hill as I call her), Aurora Snow, and our greatest president, Richard Nixon. I think either Barry Bonds or Britney Spears took it, I don't remember. I was a little tipsy. If you look closely you'll see that Dr. Strange was conveniently left out. The reason I don't have any more pictures is that Colossus wasted the rest of the film with pictures of Solid Snake from different angles. What am I supposed to do with that? Still, I apologize.

Anyway, it was a great party! Pillsbury was completely not invited. (Sr. Domanguez was, but he couldn't make it).

-Until the 300th...

The 200th Post Extravaganza

Spiderman: Good evening everyone! This is Spiderman along with legendary sportscaster John Madden, bringing you all the excitement and anticipation that is "The 200th Post Extravaganza." [cheers from the crowd]

Of course, we're not allowed into the actual party, but we can report to you as more important people than us enter the concert hall.

What are you looking forward to tonight, John?

Madden: I'm just waiting for that Turkey to get here.

Spiderman: Yeah, I know what you mean...wait...Turkey?

Madden: It has four kinds of glazes. They actually inject honey into the turkey while it's still alive.

Spiderman: That's disgusting...and needlessly cruel...and why did you even bring it up?

Madden: I haven't eaten since dinner.

Spiderman: We just finished dinner. Do you think about anything besides elaborate poultries?

Madden: Of course...I love ridiculously complicated and decadent steaks as well.

Spiderman: Alright, alright...I set myself up for that one...before we spend the whole night talking about you eating, let's actually spend some time concerning the festivities...And what great timing! Here's Solid Snake! [Cheers..Solid Snake gets out of limo and waves to everyone] We haven't seen him in a while, have we? I wonder what he's up to...Let's go down to our new Centpostial correspondant, Donald Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld: Sorry, he won't talk to me.

Spiderman: Oh...ok. We'll just have to wait until someone else comes along then...

[pause]
[Spiderman lets out short sigh]
[23 seconds later, Spiderman scratches his mask]
[5 seconds later, Madden takes a bite out of a chicken leg...I thought he was getting Turkey?]
[15 seconds of Rumsfeld just standing there...smiling]

Spiderman: Did you see my movie?

Madden: Oh no...not yet anyway.

Spiderman: Oh. [mumbles:] everyone in the whole country saw it but you, huh...you could at least pretend to have seen it...it wouldn't be hard...it's all pretty much the same story...nerdy Peter Parker overcomes some stupid relationship problem with Mary Jane while fighting a ridiculous radioactive villain with little character development...

Madden: [takes bite out of steak] huh?

Spiderman: nevermind

[another pause]
[camera goes to Rumsfeld...who's still smiling]
[20 more seconds]

Spiderman: Is that...? no...nevermind.

[15 more seconds]

Spiderman: ok, we're going to go to a bre--wait, no! I don't believe it! Machiavelli has arrived, ladies and gentlemen [uproarious cheers]!
Well, he's the guest of honor and the main attraction. This is really exciting. It is his genius that has brought this whole site together. Hopefully, Rumsfeld, can we get an interview.

Rumsfeld: [grabs earpiece to better hear over the cheers] What's that Spidey?

Spiderman: I said, can we get an interview?...and don't call me Spidey...Rummy

Rumsfeld: Nope.

Spiderman: Nope? What do you mean nope? You are completely incompetent.

Rumsfeld: What's that Spidey?

Spiderman: Oh, shut up you idiot.

Madden: Machiavelli has that dominance on the field that all great players have. [show clicker] Here he is, getting out of his car...and watch...boom! right out of the car...look how quick he gets...boom!...

Spiderman: Great he's talking crazy again...luckily someone else has approached the red carpet...it's!...it's!...oh...it's Dr. Strange [boos all around]. Who cares about him?

Rumsfeld: Spidey...umm...Spidey.

Spiderman: Yes,...Rummy?

Rumseld: I was finally able to get an interview.

Spiderman: Goddamit...Donald Rumsfeld, former Sec. of Defense who's partly responsible for the insane war in Iraq, you are an idiot.

Rumsfeld: So, Dr. Strange, what have you been up to lately?

Dr. Strange: I have been patroling the astral plain looking for the lost washcloth of the Persian Demon, known as Scaldma. By using the sink of justice I was able to--

{This presentation has been interrupted by an important announcement: This is stupid. It is actually technically the 199th post...stay tuned for THE 200th POST EXTRAVAGANZA!}

Good stuff...

In The Know: Are Our Children Learning Enough About Whales?

Simpsons voices

The Simpsons Voices

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Another one...

Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

This was actually pretty fun...

It's ME! In Simpsons form.

Here's a link to make your own. Go to Create Your Own Avatar.

Important Announcment

Only 6 posts left until the 200th Post Extravaganza... I can't wait either.

Animals are Jerks

That Hippo stole my kid's bike and won't give it back.


That Dolphin made me feel stupid.


That Whale sent me a virus.


That Giraffe ruined my birthday.

That Kangaroo lowered taxes for the wealthiest 1%
etc.

Congressman lets his guitar do the talking:

I always liked this...

I can appreciate this...

The Doughboy Comes HOME!

In our latest journey, the doughboy and I visited his homeland, the DRAC (Democratic Republic of Albino Cooks). Pillsbury was welcomed back after years of exile following the successful coup lead by Generalissimo Doughbochet last year. Doughbochet, along with a military junta, has been running the tiny African nation by decree. Upon taking office, Doughbochet instituted a number of reforms including, most importantly, changing the country's name from URAM (United Republic of Albino Men) to DRAC. There were a number of reasons for the change, but one chief reason was to attract the support of recently enfranchised doughladies.

As it so happens, Pillsbury and Gen. Doughbochet are long time acquaintances and even distant cousins. His relationship with the general helped the doughboy receive amnesty and permission to return to his mother-country. In 1995, the Doughboy was convicted of crimes against humanity for publishing a number of obscene desert recipes. Most crimes in the DRAC are related to recipes.

Anyway, we were met at the airport by Gen. Doughbochet and many of the doughboy's friends and family. Suffice it to say, it was very overwhelming. There's just so many of them. I thought my ears would burst from all the high pitched screaming. You'd think we were the Beatles or something.

For those not familiar with the geography or the history, the DRAC is small island nation north of Madagascar. Amazingly, the island wasn't discovered until 1965 when a shipment of Pillsbury brand toothbrushes was blown off course. The natives were given ownership of the company by a representative of Pillsbury when he visited the island for himself with the agreement that they would "just SHUT THE HELL UP!"

The Doughmen naturally turned the company away from toothbrushes and towards baked goods, which had for centuries been an obsession for them. Recent anthropological research has revealed that the modern oven was independently invented in the DRAC about 5,000 years ago. The Doughmen's exquisite baked goods quickly came to dominate the "quick-desert" market. Unfortunately, the Doughboy was elected as CEO for the company and made himself mascot. He then proceeded to introduce a number of hare-brained schemes that most analysts say have ruined the company. These include his "Garbage Fudge," "Monkey Brain Cake," and "Sand Biscuit" (released simultaneously with the movie Seabiscuit...for some reason) as well as his decision to journey around the world and buy advertising space on The Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived for $10 million.

Meanwhile, the DRAC's political system continued to suffer from weak institutions and a fractionalized party system. Some political scientists contend that there are more political parties than there are Doughpeople on the island. One notorious doughman founded 53 political parties all named "Work it, Sister."

With a "crumbling" economy, as they call it, and a broken political system, it was only a matter of time before the URAMian military stepped in to establish order. While the coup did result in scattered human rights abuses, most analysts agree that Gen. Doughbochet's iron hand was a necessity amidst the absolute criminally ill insane chaos of the people who inhabit the island. Most agree that the nation is finally rebounding. Most also agree that allowing the Doughboy back onto the island would be an enormous mistake. (As a side note, I was asked by the CIA to take advantage of the opportunity to investigate the island...and kill all of them. I declined. I'm really rather nonviolent...probably a mistake.)

This time, the doughboy was my tour guide. He was very excited and wanted to show me everything. However, it quickly became apparent that this place was a sh*thole.

He was very insistent that we visit the so-called "3 Holy Ovens." As far as I can tell, there's nothing special about the ovens, but for some reason the doughmen worship them. After the second one, I just flat out told the Doughboy that I wasn't interested in the third one. He was hurt, but I tried to smooth things over by saying that there wasn't enough time and there was so much more I wanted to see.

Next, we visited the rolling pin museum. Apparently, it is the chief destination for elementary school field trips in DRAC because there was a lot of doughkids running around. I don't have anything to say about it because...it's a freakin' rolling pin museum!

Most of the rest of Pillsbury's tour is a blur. He kept showing me things that only an insane person would be interested in. I swear we walked almost a mile over a huge hill to see a bucket. Don't even get me started on the "Sacred Temple of the Baking Powder." What is wrong with these people? Also, as it turns out, there is a large infrastructure project in downtown Doughmanville (the capital). Apparently, they're trying to build the world's largest chair. Anyway, this was just the first day. Tomorrow we're going to visit the region that Doughboy grew up in. That should be interesting.

As they say in DRAC, for some reason, "Sayonara."

...kill me.

This one grew on me...

Breaking News: All Online Data Lost After Internet Crash

Two Cal stories in one day?

Cal Rugby

"University of California men's rugby player Dustin Watson has never "shot the boot."Not once, he says, has the desire to ingest a beverage composed of Tinactin antifungal cream and cheap light beer from a smelly Size 12 crossed his mind. Instead Watson and his teammates have an almost unquenchable thirst for something much sweeter: perfection. "I feel like everyone [on] the team has the same feeling even if we beat a team by 80 points," Watson said. "We kind of try to look at every game as taking a step forward regardless of what happens. You always want to improve as a player." The players' desire to perform flawlessly on the pitch is the motivating factor that has helped the Golden Bears become the gold standard in college rugby and one of the premier programs in any collegiate sport. Cal's 37-7 triumph over BYU in the National Collegiate Rugby Championship on May 5 gave the Bears their 14th title in 15 seasons. Since the tournament's inception in 1980, there have been only five seasons (1984, 1987, 1989, 1990 and 2003) in which Cal was not crowned as America's top collegiate rugby team. Jack Clark, who became the sixth rugby coach in school history when he took over in 1984, has guided the Bears to 19 national championships. "It is hard to say you reached your potential without putting your guts into it, without giving everything you could to attain that status," Clark says. "We're pretty crazed about getting better and being the best that we can be." The squad's winning tradition -- the aforementioned practice of drinking beer from a player's boot might be the only time-honored rugby ritual the Golden Bears don't embrace -- is part of what makes the program such a unique one. The team's 125-year history, the longest of any sport at Cal, has produced 103 All-Americans, 36 players for the U.S. national team, six Olympians and countless devout fans. Of course, the program's past triumphs don't determine on-field results today. "The tradition has always been a large part of Cal rugby," three-time All-American forward Chris Biller said. "It's like any other dominant program -- tradition only goes so far, the players and coaches have to be fully committed. That can be tedious at times. There is a lot of work which makes [the team] successful." The Bears defy the mainstream perception of what a rugby team should be, which, fair or unfair, paints a picture of a motley crew somewhat reminiscent of the Delta Tau Chi fraternity in "Animal House." That's not to say the members of the team don't have a good time -- they do. The Bears say they're just as engaged in Playstation and partying as most of their peers.

In Berkeley, however, rugby is not a sport for beer-bellied boys or seldom-shaven men. Cal's men's rugby team, in fact, is defined by its class and dedication. "I know that at other schools [rugby] is kind of a joke and that kind of makes me mad," Watson said. "We put all the time and energy into it. People that view rugby as a drinking sport kind of soil the game a little. We are trying to take it as serious as possible here." That businesslike approach requires dedication from the team as a whole as well as each individual. After all, none of the 60-plus members of Cal's squad are on athletic scholarships. When the players rise before the sun to go for a team run, it's because they want to, not because they have to. "It's never a question of is it worth it," Biller said. "It's how are you going to get through it and how are you going to make yourself better." The most excruciating stretch for the Bears comes at the conclusion of March, when the regular season ends. At that time, the team has about three weeks to prepare for the playoffs. The team's postseason practice regiment includes morning runs twice a week, lifting sessions twice a week and training sessions six times a week. "It's long and it's hard, but that's what gets us our titles -- the work we put in in April," Biller said. Like many of the Bears, Biller is relatively new to rugby. He grew up playing football, and as an offensive lineman at the famed De La Salle High School in Concord, Calif., Biller opened up holes for future NFL running back Maurice Jones-Drew. It wasn't until his senior year at De La Salle when Biller began playing rugby. That season he was spotted by Clark, who invited him to join his team. "I enjoy the sport," Biller said. "I think it's a great sport, I've got great teammates and great coaches. Overall, the program gives us a great sporting environment." Though not quite as old as the Redwood trees in Golden Gate Park, Cal rugby represents a piece of the Bay Area's history. And like those conifers, the program has needed some outside help to continue to thrive. Cal's rugby team is not affiliated with the athletic department in the same way the basketball and football teams are. Most of the sports associated with the university are NCAA varsity sports; rugby is just a varsity sport. The athletic department gives the rugby team many of the same amenities NCAA sports get (such as medical attention and academic support), but Clark's team isn't allotted as much funding. To ensure the game of grabs, grunts, punts, pushes and padless tackles doesn't become an endangered species in the ever-changing climate of college athletics, Clark created the fund-raising campaign "Cal Rugby Forever." The devoted efforts of Cal rugby's supporters have been instrumental, Clark says, in allowing the program to remain at the apex of college rugby. Some major byproducts of the campaign include Witter Rugby Field, constructed in 1995 for $2 million, and the Doc Hudson Fieldhouse, which opened in 1996. "It is the oldest sport on our campus and the first sport to play an outside opponent, and as such it has value," Clark said. "And there was a really generous and diligent effort on the part of the stakeholders to put down roots for Cal rugby on this campus." Clark said the endowments the team has gained through fund-raising demonstrate the fond feelings fans and alumni have about the program. "You're not supposed to grow sports like ours, a large-squad, male sport," he said. "You're supposed to be relegated to club status. You're supposed to play your games on the field where they park the cars for football games." One major perk of the team's status as a varsity sport comes at the end of the season, when players are awarded a varsity letter, which forever makes them a part of the Cal rugby family. "When the gentleman presented the letters to us he gave a little speech about how a very small percentage [of people have] earned [letters]," Watson said. "I knew it was special when my grandpa [heard about the letter]. He went to Cal and he got really excited. I thought it was kind of a special thing." Clark sees that big, gold "C" as so much more than a souvenir. That letter, he says, is a reward at the conclusion of a physically and mentally exhausting journey. "When our players leave, I want them to say, 'It was a hard, challenging, difficult experience, and I wouldn't trade it for the world,'" Clark said. "If you're trying to create something special for these students, then you are better off challenging them. That is what a varsity letter is all about." Like those of most great coaches, Clark's message resonates with his players. They say they wouldn't trade boots with anyone. "We don't get scholarships or stuff like that," Watson said. "I don't care. I'd rather be on the rugby team than the football team, because of the people around and the success sportswise."

Good Stuff from ESPN

Cal: Blue Ribbon Preview

"COACH AND PROGRAM

If one compiled a poll of the 119 Football Bowl Subdivision programs -- with each head coach, offensive and defensive coordinator taking part -- there would probably be two names atop the "Best Offensive Mind" list.

Sure, the Ole Ball coach would receive some votes, but after a miserable two-year stint with the Washington Redskins and mixed results at South Carolina, Steve Spurrier can no longer claim the crown.

Hawaii's June Jones? Sure, he deserves some nods for running arguably the most entertaining offensive system in the nation.

And, yes, others would grab a vote or two here and there, but in the end, Florida's Urban Meyer and Cal's Jeff Tedford would rank 1-2, and not necessarily in that order. Sure, Meyer has the national title, plus the undefeated run with Utah in 2004, but this isn't about wins and losses per se, it's about which coach maxes out his offensive talent on a season-to-season basis. Is there anyone willing to debate Cal had more talent on its roster last season than Florida? Didn't think so. In many ways, it's strange that Tedford is at Berkeley for his sixth year as head coach. And he doesn't seem to be going anywhere else very soon. In the spring, he signed an extension through 2013, and the program has committed to improving its facilities. Since inheriting a team that won a single game in 2001, Tedford is 43-20, having never won fewer than seven games. All that said, at 45, he seems like the perfect candidate for an NFL head coaching job, with a pedigree and offensive genius much like a young Bill Walsh at Stanford back in the late 1970s.

Yet, the call hasn't come. He hasn't even interviewed, although he has said he wouldn't until his youngest son graduates high school in 2008. Still, it's hard to fathom someone from the Oakland Raiders didn't at least call Tedford last off-season before hiring Lane Kiffin, the 32-year-old former USC offensive coordinator.

Speaking of Walsh, until last season, Tedford had always followed a similar path as the primary inventor of the West Coast offense in that both had always acted as their own of-fensive coordinator. However, for the first time since he was the quarterbacks coach at Fresno State in 1992, Tedford didn't call his team's offensive plays last season. That task went to Mike Dunbar, who Tedford brought in from Northwestern to implement aspects of the spread offense.

And while the results were certainly impressive -- Cal led the Pac-10 in scoring (32.8) while placing second in total offense (415.6) en route to claiming a share of the conference title along with USC -- it proved to be a one-year experiment. Dunbar left at season's end for the offensive coordinator's position at Minnesota, and Tedford resumed play-calling duties. Both said the relationship was a positive one, with Tedford making it clear they shared a similar philosophy in terms of play calling.

The lone drawback from Tedford's perspective is that while Dunbar was all spread, all the time, he'd rather schematically mix-and-match based on opponents and game situations.

It wasn't like Tedford just turned the keys of the offense over to Dunbar. He was still intricately involved in the offensive game planning during the week as well as the in-game play calls.

"It didn't change that much; I was still involved," Tedford said. "One change was that when you're calling every play and setting each play up, you focus on that progression and you can't really coach a guy up. When you're calling the plays, you can't allow yourself to do that, so by not calling them, it gave me a little more flexibility." That flexibility will be no more this season, and probably beyond. For Tedford, perhaps there is no greater joy in coaching football than the in-game chess match of play calling.

"I heard something the other day on TV," Tedford told the Contra Costa Times in the off-season. "Bill Walsh was talking about how he had to remove himself from the game when he was a play caller. So all other things would be external so he could just focus on the down-and-distance and play calling. It takes a lot of concentration to set things up and to do that."

Unlike many offensive gurus -- NFL coaches/offensive coordinators Mike Shanahan and Andy Reid immediately come to mind -- Tedford isn't a huge believer in scripting plays at the start of a game. Shanahan famously scripts his team's first 20, and Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis always has his team's first possession mapped out days before kick off, whether it's a three-and-out or 12-play, 85-yard drive, each play will have been scripted beforehand.

"I don't script 20, no, usually eight or so to start a game," Tedford said. "It's situational; we'll usually have eight plays we've gone over and depending on the situation, we may go off the chart if we feel good about it."

On paper, Tedford did appoint a new offensive coordinator, that being Jim Michalczik, who'll also coach Cal's offensive line for the sixth straight season. He'll help Tedford with the game-planning responsibilities during the week. And outside of Dunbar, the staff returns pretty much intact, with just one first-year coach, that being Kenwick Thompson (linebackers). More than half the staff has been with Tedford each of his six seasons at Cal, including underrated defensive coordinator Bob Gregory. The Bears placed second in the Pac-10 last season in scoring defense at 19.3 points per game.

As for the program itself, Cal not only shared the Pac-10 title last season for the first time since 1975, it sold out more than one game in the same season for the first time in 50 years. Actually, the Bears sold out three games -- Oregon, UCLA and Stanford. Its average attendance for seven home games was 64,318, which broke the single-season mark set in 2004.

And sure, the back-to-back road losses to Arizona and USC over a span of eight days in November were disappointing, even more so once the Trojans lost to UCLA, meaning Cal would've played in the Rose Bowl if it had defeated Arizona. But still, 10-3 overall and a share of a conference title at 7-2 is an impressive season.

And with just about everyone having the Bears in their preseason top-10 once again this season, it should be another banner year in Berkeley.

QUARTERBACKS

One season after probably the most inept aerial attack a Tedford-run offense has ever produced -- Cal finished last in the Pac-10 with 192.7 passing yards-per-game in 2005 -- the Bears returned to passing prominence behind perhaps the most physically gifted quarterback to ever play under Tedford. And considering that list includes six NFL first-round draft picks, that's saying something. Junior Nate Longshore (6-5, 233) actually won the job coming out of fall camp in 2005, but after completing 8-of-11 passes for 131 yards and a touchdown in the opener against Sacramento State, he suffered a season-ending ankle injury in the second quarter.

He again won the job in fall camp last season, and this time, he ended up starting all 13 games en route to being selected All-Pac-10 honorable mention.

Longshore completed 60.2 percent of his 377 pass attempts for 3,021 yards, 24 touchdowns and 13 interceptions. His 141.6 passer efficiency was second in the Pac-10, fewer than three points behind USC Heisman Trophy candidate John David Booty. In the process, Longshore also became the second quarterback in program history to throw for 3,000 yards in a season, joining Pat Barnes in 1996.

The product of Canyon High School in Canyon, Calif., also earned Pac-10 Offensive Player-of-the-Week honors three times.

"Nate played well last season," Tedford told the Times before spring camp. "He did a good job. His decision making was good. He gained a lot of experience and handled the game planning very well.

"He needs to shed weight and improve his mobility. He was pushing 240 at the end of last season. He is a big person. He has to watch it. Trent Dilfer was the same way. If Trent did squats, he would blow up to 250 pounds. Nate is the same way. I want to keep him in the 225 to 230 range."

Tedford also expects Longshore's decision making to improve as a fourth-year player in the system and a veteran of 14 starts. So much of Tedford's passing plays are based on quick reads and split-second decisions that are supposed to become second nature over time.

And with perhaps the nation's most dangerous wideout in tow, if Cal wins its season opener against Tennessee on Sept. 1, it wouldn't be surprising to hear Longshore's name in the Heisman Trophy mix come early November.

One of the most watched position battles in spring camp was the struggle for No. 2 on the depth chart behind Longshore. Neither of the candidates has ever thrown a colle-giate pass, but each was a highly touted recruit in recent years. But sophomore Kyle Reed (6-3, 220) and redshirt freshman Kevin Riley (6-3, 200) missed the spring game after suffering injuries the week before.

"Both grasped the offense really well; I was real impressed," Tedford said. "For three weeks there, they really did a nice job in the classroom, too, in terms of learning our of-fense."

Reed is probably the favorite entering fall camp, as he's the better athlete and possesses a strong arm. However, Riley has shown more football sense since arriving on campus and in Tedford-run offense, that's a huge factor.

RUNNING BACKS

Marshawn Lynch packed his bags a year early for the NFL, taking his 1,356 rushing yards and 11 touchdowns to the Buffalo Bills as the No. 12 overall pick in April's draft.

But not only was the coaching staff expecting this, it could be argued that Cal may still have the conference's most talented array of tailbacks this side of Los Angeles.

But what USC doesn't have is the nation's leading returning back in terms of highest career yards-per-carry average. West Virginia's Steve Slaton, Boise State's Ian Johnson and Arkansas's Darren McFadden were second, third and fourth, respectively. That trio also finished fourth, eighth and second, respectively, in last season's Heisman Trophy balloting.

The top spot on list belongs to Cal senior Justin Forsett (5-8, 186), who in 36 career games has rushed for 1,674 yards on 262 carries, or 6.39 per carry. Slaton is at 6.34 with Johnson and McFadden each at 6.0. Last season, Forestt was arguably the nation's top reserve running back; running for 626 yards and four touchdowns on 119 carries (5.3 ypc). He also caught 12 balls for 116 yards and a score.

The question is whether Forsett is durable enough, at his size, for 20 carries a game. As of the spring, the Bears were hopeful he could gain 10-12 pounds without losing any speed by the opener against Tennessee on Sept. 1.

Much like at quarterback, a pair of redshirt freshmen are competing for the No. 2 role behind Forsett in James Montgomery (5-10, 205) and Tracy Slocum (5-11, 195). Both were highly recruited coming out of high school and one will all but certainly be the starter in 2008. Slocum is more of a bruising straightforward runner, while Montgomery has Forsett-like speed in the open field. Both had solid springs.

Sophomore Bryan Schutte (6-1, 195) could also see a few carries. He had three last season, for 19 yards.

At fullback, sophomore Will Ta'ufo'ou (6-0, 250) started the Holiday Bowl win over Texas A&M and is expected to have first crack at the job this fall. As important as his block-ing responsibilities is his ability to catch the football; Tedford likes to use the fullback in passing situations. Behind him is sophomore Brian Holley (5-10, 232).

WIDE RECEIVERS/TIGHT ENDS

Last season, Arizona State didn't have a single wide receiver catch more than 20 passes.

And then there is Cal, with its returning trio of wideouts having combined for 151 receptions for 2,336 yards and 18 touchdowns in 2006.

Although he's the lone underclassman of the three, junior DeSean Jackson (6-0, 166) is the No. 1 threat to opposing defenses. In fact, Jackson -- a first-team All-Pac-10 selection as a sophomore behind 59 catches for 1,060 yards (18.0 ypc) and nine touchdowns -- could emerge as not only an All-American this season but a Heisman Trophy candidate. And that's just based on his receiving skills, never mind that he was a consensus All-American punt returner in 2006 after taking back four for touchdowns.

Jackson, who has 21 touchdowns in 24 career games, is probably entering his final season with the Bears; he currently projects as a first-round NFL pick in 2008. While his block-ing leaves much to be desired, mostly because of his size, Jackson is as explosive as any wideout the Pac-10 has seen in recent memory. He's not going to break many tackles -- and the staff would like him to gain a few pounds -- but if that first tackler misses, he's a nightmare in the open field.

What makes Jackson even more dangerous at Cal than say, another top-25 team, is that defenses can't afford to double-team him in passing situations because of seniors Robert Jordan (5-11, 165) and Lavelle Hawkins (6-2, 181).

Jordan has started since his freshman year and is a veteran of 30 games and 25 starts. He had 43 receptions for 511 yards (11.9 ypc) and four scores in 2006 and had 106 catches for his career. Jordan also enters the season having caught a pass in 30 consecutive games, the fourth-longest run in the nation among returning players.

Hawkins, who mostly lines up in the slot and is the team's best blocking wideout, was an honorable-mention All-Pac-10 pick last season behind 46 grabs for 705 yards and five scores. He had at least one touchdown in each of Cal's final three games in 2006.

While there aren't many passes left to be caught behind this trio, depth is provided by seniors Sean Young (5-11, 178) and Sam DeSa (5-10, 195) and junior LaReylle Cunningham (6-2, 195).

At tight end, senior Craig Stevens (6-5, 254) is among eight returning starters on offense. He had 17 catches last season for 239 yards (14.1 ypc) and one score. His backup is sophomore Cameron Morrah (6-4, 248).

OFFENSIVE LINE

This is the only concern in what should be among the most potent offenses in the country. And it's a minor concern at that.

The projected starting five are actually stronger than last year's group despite losing two starters, including tackle Andrew Cameron. The issue is depth; two of the probably start-ing five missed the spring with injuries and there appears a noticeable drop-off between the No. 1s and No. 2s on the depth chart.

Cal allowed just 13 sacks last season while the running game averaged 4.9 yards per carry.

"Every year it's a new deal," Michalczik said. "There's not the depth here we've had in the past, but that's what the spring was for, to get some of those young guys some experience."

The anchor of the line is junior center Alex Mack (6-5, 300), a first-team All-Pac-10 selection in his first year as a starter in 2006. There was talk of him moving to tackle before spring camp, but it appears he'll stay at center. He led the Bears last season with 57.5 knockdowns and 25.5 pancakes.

"Alex is a fun guy to talk about because he's about what you love in a football player," Michalczik said. "He loves to compete; he sets the tone for not only the line but the team with how hard he works. He's the leader of this team, not in a talking, rah-rah way, but the other guys see him working hard, and you don't want to let him down by not working hard yourself."

After spending last season at right tackle, senior Mike Gibson (6-5, 290) will replace Cameron on the left side. He missed the spring after shoulder surgery but was an All-Pac-10 second-team selection with 30.5 knockdown blocks and a team-high 11 cuts in his first year as a starter.

The third returning starter, junior guard Noris Malele (6-3, 294), also missed the spring after undergoing ankle surgery but is expected at 100 percent come the fall. Actually, Michalczik said both Gibson and Malele could have played this spring.

The other two starters are slated to be junior tackle Mike Tepper (6-7, 336), who started two games last season, and senior Brian De La Puente (6-4, 306).

The depth includes junior tackle Chet Teofilo (6-4, 305), who struggled with snap counts last season after switching over from defensive tackle, sophomore guard Kevin Bemoll (6-5, 305), senior center Mark Gray (6-0, 275), sophomore Matt Laird (6-7, 295) and redshirt freshman Chris Guarnero (6-3, 270), who can play guard or center.

Michalczik raved about Teofilo following spring camp, saying, "The light's been turned on. He's going to play a lot for us this season."

KICKERS

After a shaky sophomore campaign, senior Tom Schneider (6-1, 191) was nothing short of stellar in 2006. He should rank among the top-10 kickers in the land this fall.

The four-year starter connected on 15-of-20 field goals, including 13-of-15 inside of 50 yards. Not that he didn't produce from long range, though -- he tied a program record with a 55-yarder against Stanford. He also connected from 23, 30 and 40 yards in the Big Game and earned Pac-10 Special Teams Player-of-the-Week honors.

He finished with 97 points, third in the Pac-10, and didn't miss an extra point (52-of-52). He should break the school's career scoring mark of 288 points in early-October. The record in currently held by former NFL kicker Doug Brien.

DEFENSIVE LINE

No unit on either side of the football was as decimated by personnel loss as Cal's defensive line.

The Bears, who registered 26 sacks and forced 30 turnovers last season, return just one of four starters up front, that being senior tackle Matt Malele (6-3, 297). Mostly a run stuffer, Malele had 11 tackles last season, but that's misleading; he often took the brunt of the blocking up front and did a superb job clogging the running lanes. This allowed for the likes of departed linemen Brandon Mebane, Nu'u Tafisi and the linebackers to run free and make plays.

"Matt has to anchor us," Gregory said. "I felt good about the spring, it's coming along. No doubt about it, though, we'll still be developing at fall camp. We're young, and while we made strides this spring, you can watch all the film in the world and it's still about reps. You need to be on the field; it needs to become muscle memory."

Malele will be depended upon to not only do his job, but almost become an assistant coach in directing players on the field. A trio of players is expected to share time alongside him at tackle, each of whom missed the majority of last season with injuries. They include junior Mika Kane (6-3, 297), who was set to start last season before a broken hand in fall camp derailed his season, and redshirt freshmen Derrick Hill (6-3, 280) and Michael Costanzo (6-3, 300).

Gregory said Hill was 100 percent recovered from a knee injury and that he looked great this spring.

The post-spring favorites to start at the ends are sophomores Cody Jones (6-5, 255) and Tyson Alualu (6-4, 288). Defensive line coach Ken Delgado predicted before spring camp that Alualu would be the team's next playmaker.

Also vying for time at end at are junior Rulon Davis (6-5, 275) and senior John Allen (6-1, 248).

LINEBACKERS

Cal graduated one of the elite linebackers in program history in Desmond Bishop, and while this unit could be solid, there's little depth.

"We need to keep healthy at linebacker, the depth dwindles pretty quickly," Gregory said.

The lone returning starter is junior Worrell Williams (6-2, 256) at the Will or weak side. He finished 2006 with 51 tackles and an interception and is considered one of the top athletes pound for pound on the team.

At the Sam/strong side, senior Justin Moye (6-1, 228) entered spring camp listed first on the depth chart and while he started three games last season -- making 23 tackles -- and is considered the defense's smartest and most instinctive player, he's going to be hard-pressed to hold off junior Anthony Felder (6-4, 231).

A freshman All-American in 2005, Felder runs a 4.50 40-yard dash and appeared on the fast track to the NFL before a series of minor injuries plagued him last season. He finished with 18 tackles in 13 games. Felder appeared to be 100 percent at spring camp.

"Anthony had a strong spring, he felt good and was back to his freshman form," Gregory said. "He has a chance to be a special player. He's a little fragile, not that he isn't tough; injuries just seem to find him."

Junior Zach Follett (6-2, 237) is expected to man the middle. He was the team's fifth-leading tackler a year ago, and the second-leading returning tackler with 62 stops, including 12.5 for loss, four forced fumbles and a team-high 5.5 sacks. However, those numbers were mostly accumulated on the outside, as Bishop rarely left the middle. He did play mostly inside in high school, though, so it's not like he isn't familiar with the position. Behind Follett is senior Greg Van Hoesen (6-4, 227), who finished 2006 with 23 tackles.

Others in the fold include sophomore Eddie Young (6-1, 228) and redshirt freshman Michael Mohamed (6-4, 200).

The inexperienced front seven won't have the luxury of a glorified scrimmage to open the season, either, as Tennessee visits on Sept. 1.

"I hope we're ready for them; initially we'll just keep things simple," Gregory said. "No disrespect, but it's not Stephen F. Austin; they'll play fast. We'll play with what we have; it's a new crew that hasn't played as much. Hopefully, the defense gels at fall camp and we'll see what we have."

DEFENSIVE BACKS

While the secondary returns three-of-four starters, it's by no means a strength entering the season, especially considering that the lone departure was Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year Daymeion Hughes.

"Obviously you feel a bit more comfortable with a veteran at corner than young guys," Gregory said.

The Bears need sophomore Syd'Quan Thompson (5-11, 178) to play at another level this season, although after a rough debut at Tennessee, considering teams were throwing to his side early and often to avoid Hughes, he wasn't bad. His vitals included 60 tackles and an interception, but he showed improvement and confidence on almost a weekly basis.

At the other corner, sophomore Jesse Brooks (6-0, 186) and redshirt freshman Darian Hagan (6-1, 180) departed spring practice running 1A and 1B. Hagan can change direction better than any defensive back on the roster, but Brooks is more familiar with the system.

Senior rover Brandon Hampton (5-10, 188) and junior free safety Bernard Hicks (6-1, 198) are each returning starters, and Hampton is the team's leading returning tackler with 63. He also had two picks. Hicks checked in with 58 tackles and also had two interceptions.

Senior Thomas DeCoud (6-3, 195) appeared headed for All-Pac-10 honors last season before a knee injury sidelined him against Arizona State in October. He had 45 tackles, many of them highlight-reel material, before the injury. He should push Hocks to regain his starting position, but both will see extensive playing time. Sophomore Robert Peele (5-10, 187) will back up Hampton at rover.

PUNTERS

JUCO transfer Andrew Larson (6-2, 190) had a solid first season at Berkeley, averaging 42.6 yards per punt and earning second-team All-Pac-10 honors. But his greatest asset isn't the strength of his leg, it's hang time. Opponents returned just 19-of-49 punts for a paltry 132 yards.

His 38.2 net punting yards led the conference. Larson is the preseason favorite for All-Pac-10 honors by the majority of publications, including Blue Ribbon.

SPECIAL TEAMS

Before flooding this section with numbers upon numbers about DeSean Jackson's ability to return punts, let's start off with just one statistic.

Jackson has returned just shy of 20 percent of his career punt returns for touchdowns.

Wow.

The official numbers include five touchdowns in 26 returns (19.2 percent). A Pac-10 record four of those scores came last season, as Jackson averaged a school-record 18.2 yards per return.

His scoring jaunts came from 65, 72, 80 and 95 yards, the latter coming versus Arizona on Nov. 11. All five of his punt-return touchdowns have come at home.

There isn't an All-American team in the country without Jackson as its punt returner or return specialist. However, the issue becomes who in their right mind will kick to Jackson this season?

Cal has already begun working on some ideas, including having another player join Jackson in dropping back. Obviously, no opposing special teams coach wants to explain to their head coach why Jackson is celebrating another touchdown return when they simply could have kicked the ball out of bounds.

Kickoff returns are handled by Justin Forsett, who averaged 20.2 yards on five returns last season, and backup wideout Lavelle Hawkins, while junior Nick Sundberg (6-1, 254) is back for his third year as the long snapper.

BLUE RIBBON ANALYSIS

When Tedford's run at Cal ends, whether it's in 2008 or 2028, there's a real chance that last season will be looked upon -- not only him but Cal fans -- as their Moby Dick, the one that got away.

Grading the Bears
Unit	Grade
Offense	A
Special teams	A+
Defense	B
Intangibles	A-

Not that there's anything remotely wrong with double-digit wins highlighted by a dominating Holiday Bowl performance against Texas A&M, but with USC reloading every season, 2006 could've been Cal's best chance to win the Pac-10 outright and play in the Rose Bowl.

That said, this offense is every bit the equal of USC's, and at least on paper, Cal should score more points than the Trojans. And the special teams units of the Bears might be ranked tops in the nation. So why aren't the Bears favored over USC, which is expected to be a near-unanimous preseason No. 1?

Defense, defense and yes, more defense.

USC placed six players on Blue Ribbon's preseason All-Pac-10 first team, while Cal had none.

But much to Tedford's credit, Cal's season starts in terms of the national title picture on Sept. 1 when Tennessee visits Berkeley on the back-end of a home-and-home. If the Bears win, watch out -- the hype could build for more than two months before the USC game on Nov. 11. If those two teams enter kickoff undefeated, that likely becomes the game of the regular-season, not only in the Pac-10, but in the nation.

However, the Bears are going to find themselves in a few fourth-quarter shootouts, especially early as the secondary gains experience. Trips to Oregon, UCLA and Arizona State won't be easy, but they should be entertaining. Actually, with Jackson, every Cal game should be entertaining.

We see Cal as a top-10 caliber team capable of defeating just about any opponent in the country. Just not USC. The Bears should cruise to 11 wins and a second-place Pac-10 fin-ish this season, perhaps even find themselves in a BCS game, but they're not winning the Pac-10. At least not this year."

Sweet Home Alabama!

I'm sure all my fans will be glad to hear that I'm fully recovered from "Montezuma's revenge." Apparently, I had a "parasite"..."growing inside me." Mexican doctors use so much weird terminology.

This week I had the opportunity to visit a land that I have dreamed about seeing since I was a little baby doughoby: Alabama!

Once again, we were met at the airport by one of my cousins. This time it was Dixie Doughboy. It must have been halloween or something because he was dressed as a ghost. OOOOOOOO...scary. I felt really embarrassed that I didn't have a costume. I should have borrowed Sr. Domanguez's sombrero.

Death said he didn't like Dixie Doughboy. He must have been scared. I tried to tell him that it was only a costume, but he insisted that we find another tour guide. What a wimp.

It quickly became obvious that Death did not like Alabama. I can't see why. There was all sorts of great tourist attractions...like a well,...this big old house,...and we even got to see two cows doing it! But Death didn't seem very interested. He just got back in the plane and said we were going to leave and that I was an insane person and why did I pick this place and that he didn't like how hot it was and he was lame. Well, before we left, I insisted we at least see Alabama's greatest tourist attraction. Death asked what it was and I said it was a surprise.

Honestly, I didn't know what tourist attraction made Alabama so famous, so I picked up this brochure. It was hard to pick which one to go to, there was the Big Peach Statue at Peach Park.

There was the Unclaimed Baggage Center in Scottsboro.

I was leaning towards the Statue of Liberty Replica in Birmingham, but the Coon Dog Cemetery in Cherokee also looked very intersting.

Death really wanted to try the MOOseum in Montgomery. I vetoed that because I wasn't sure if it was about mooses or cows. He also was interested in the Monument to the Hog in Dothan, but I wasn't, so I lied and told him I'd already seen it.




Finally, we decided to go to see the world's largest chair in Anniston. I guess it was big. Apparently there's a lot of controversy over which is actually the largest chair in the world. I wanted to go see all the claimants to the large chair throne, but Death said that was stupid.

In conclusion, Alabama was amazing! We got to see all sorts of great things. The chair was awesome! I got to meet up with my scary ghost cousin. I hope all of our adventures turn out to be this exciting.

Next stop: Bowland!

Viva Mexico!

Once again, it's me, Death. The Doughboy is a little sick (I have my fingers crossed that it's cholera) so he couldn't do the post this week.

This week we left the European continent and headed South of our American border to Mexico. I think we all enjoyed the change of pace.

We were met at the airport by another of the Doughboy's cousins, Senor Domanguez. At first I feared that this would be a repeat of the episodes with Monsieur Doughmans, but I actually liked Sr. Domanguez. He was very laid back and he served us these exquisite breakfast burritos. The only weird thing about him (despite being Pillsbury's cousin) was that he always referred to us as "gringos".

Despite Sr. Domanguez's politeness, I must say that the Doughboy was extremely rude. He kept complaining about how "lazy" Mexicans were. Apparently for Pillsbury, "lazy" can be loosely translated as "working all day on construction projects and migrant farm-labor." Also, every time we went on a tour or in a restaurant, he would complain about how nobody spoke English. When I pointed out to the doughboy that Spanish is Mexico's official language, he didn't seem to pay attention.

One of the first places Sr. Domanguez took us to was the magnificent Mayan ruins at Chichen Itza. The whole time the Doughboy demanded that his cousin show us where the "chickens" were. I tried to explain it to him, but I decided it wasn't worth the effort. Doughboy really wanted to go to Cancun. Apparently he wants to start his own "girls gone wild" franchise. He had a video camera and everything. When we told him Cancun wasn't on the itinerary, he just went around Chichen Itza saying things like, "oh yeah, baby," "Take off you shirt," and "this is so hot!" to some Mayan statues. I don't think it's going to sell.

After returning to Mexico City, Sr. Domanguez showed us some well-preserved Aztec ruins. Unfortunately, the Doughboy decided to "desecrate" these sacred areas. In his defense, he was drinking a LOT of Tequila on the way over there. For such a little guy, he can really hold his own.

After that, we returned to the capital and began a Sr. Domanguez led tour of the city. The Doughboy demanded that we find some extremely hot peppers from the main market. Apparently, he wants to include those peppers in a new kind of cookie. As he put it, "I want people to think, 'wow, this is extremely painful and tastes like burning' whenever they take a bite of his "Baja Cookie." Sr. Domanguez warned him "No, senor Gringo. This is not for cookie. You use these peppers for spice...just a little bit...no...no...Senor Gringo you don't put whole pepper in one thing...listen, Senor Gringo...you no put several peppers in one cookie...no,no...this no es bueno." He continued, "Ay caramba...you are very bad...no one wants this...this no es bueno."

This time we did not meet up with any president. Instead, the Doughboy went on a quest to discover Montezuma's gold. This lasted a few hours as he started digging a hole with a shovel in the floor of the hotel. Let's just say we had to quickly find a new hotel very late at night. Also, all that digging made him thirsty. We had lots of bottled water, so there was no need to try the infamous Mexican water. However, the doughboy complained that the bottled water tasted "plastic-ee." I told him to not drink the water from the faucet, so he started drinking from the toilet. At this point, I just gave up.

To make a long story short, the Doughboy is very sick. Me, Sr. Domanguez, and the pilot have some wagers about what disease(s?) he has. My money's on cholera.

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