The Doughboy Comes HOME!

In our latest journey, the doughboy and I visited his homeland, the DRAC (Democratic Republic of Albino Cooks). Pillsbury was welcomed back after years of exile following the successful coup lead by Generalissimo Doughbochet last year. Doughbochet, along with a military junta, has been running the tiny African nation by decree. Upon taking office, Doughbochet instituted a number of reforms including, most importantly, changing the country's name from URAM (United Republic of Albino Men) to DRAC. There were a number of reasons for the change, but one chief reason was to attract the support of recently enfranchised doughladies.

As it so happens, Pillsbury and Gen. Doughbochet are long time acquaintances and even distant cousins. His relationship with the general helped the doughboy receive amnesty and permission to return to his mother-country. In 1995, the Doughboy was convicted of crimes against humanity for publishing a number of obscene desert recipes. Most crimes in the DRAC are related to recipes.

Anyway, we were met at the airport by Gen. Doughbochet and many of the doughboy's friends and family. Suffice it to say, it was very overwhelming. There's just so many of them. I thought my ears would burst from all the high pitched screaming. You'd think we were the Beatles or something.

For those not familiar with the geography or the history, the DRAC is small island nation north of Madagascar. Amazingly, the island wasn't discovered until 1965 when a shipment of Pillsbury brand toothbrushes was blown off course. The natives were given ownership of the company by a representative of Pillsbury when he visited the island for himself with the agreement that they would "just SHUT THE HELL UP!"

The Doughmen naturally turned the company away from toothbrushes and towards baked goods, which had for centuries been an obsession for them. Recent anthropological research has revealed that the modern oven was independently invented in the DRAC about 5,000 years ago. The Doughmen's exquisite baked goods quickly came to dominate the "quick-desert" market. Unfortunately, the Doughboy was elected as CEO for the company and made himself mascot. He then proceeded to introduce a number of hare-brained schemes that most analysts say have ruined the company. These include his "Garbage Fudge," "Monkey Brain Cake," and "Sand Biscuit" (released simultaneously with the movie Seabiscuit...for some reason) as well as his decision to journey around the world and buy advertising space on The Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived for $10 million.

Meanwhile, the DRAC's political system continued to suffer from weak institutions and a fractionalized party system. Some political scientists contend that there are more political parties than there are Doughpeople on the island. One notorious doughman founded 53 political parties all named "Work it, Sister."

With a "crumbling" economy, as they call it, and a broken political system, it was only a matter of time before the URAMian military stepped in to establish order. While the coup did result in scattered human rights abuses, most analysts agree that Gen. Doughbochet's iron hand was a necessity amidst the absolute criminally ill insane chaos of the people who inhabit the island. Most agree that the nation is finally rebounding. Most also agree that allowing the Doughboy back onto the island would be an enormous mistake. (As a side note, I was asked by the CIA to take advantage of the opportunity to investigate the island...and kill all of them. I declined. I'm really rather nonviolent...probably a mistake.)

This time, the doughboy was my tour guide. He was very excited and wanted to show me everything. However, it quickly became apparent that this place was a sh*thole.

He was very insistent that we visit the so-called "3 Holy Ovens." As far as I can tell, there's nothing special about the ovens, but for some reason the doughmen worship them. After the second one, I just flat out told the Doughboy that I wasn't interested in the third one. He was hurt, but I tried to smooth things over by saying that there wasn't enough time and there was so much more I wanted to see.

Next, we visited the rolling pin museum. Apparently, it is the chief destination for elementary school field trips in DRAC because there was a lot of doughkids running around. I don't have anything to say about it because...it's a freakin' rolling pin museum!

Most of the rest of Pillsbury's tour is a blur. He kept showing me things that only an insane person would be interested in. I swear we walked almost a mile over a huge hill to see a bucket. Don't even get me started on the "Sacred Temple of the Baking Powder." What is wrong with these people? Also, as it turns out, there is a large infrastructure project in downtown Doughmanville (the capital). Apparently, they're trying to build the world's largest chair. Anyway, this was just the first day. Tomorrow we're going to visit the region that Doughboy grew up in. That should be interesting.

As they say in DRAC, for some reason, "Sayonara."

...kill me.