Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-SIT-Comm

(Mao Zedong and Abigail Adams begin scene, sitting in a rustic diner)















[Applause]

Mao: This tea is awful...Hey Miss...miss...could we have the check...thank you.
Abigail: I don't know, I think green would look better in the bathroom.

(Enter Death)

Death: So, what are you guys up to?
Abigail: Not much.
Mao: We're drinking reactionary tea.

[Canned laughter]

Death: I'm exhausted, I just had a terrible day.
Abigail: It must be draining having to kill people all day.
Mao: It's not so bad.

[Canned laughter]

Death: No, it isn't that. I was trying to help out Nixon after that whole thing when he caught her with solid snake.
Abigail: Oww...how's he holding up.
Death: Not well...not well at all. Let's just say he's been doing a lot of plumbing. We should take him out somewhere. How about we throw a party or something?
Abigail: A party for what?
Death: I don't know...say it's Mao's birthday or something.
Abigail: Alright, that sounds good.
Mao: Why bother, Nixon is such a loser. Why don't we just ditch him. We could pick up a new president... Maybe Coolidge has some free time now.
Death: I was worried you were going to say Gerald Ford, which would have been in bad taste.
Mao: Speaking of bad taste, can we get a check here please...geez the service here is terrible.
Death: You have to know the owner...Hey Socrates...give us the bill asshole.
Socrates: Who are you?
Death: hehe...always the kidder. Just put it on my tab...God that guy's stupid. Let's just go before that angry lumberjack gets here.
Abigail: It seems like he's always here.

[Exit Death, Mao, and Mrs. Adams]
[Enter Angry Lumberjack]

Socrates: Where am I?

[Enter Machiavelli]

Machiavelli: This is terrible. It's not even remotely funny. Is it even supposed to be? Most of the "jokes" are just vague historical references. We'll never do this again. At least we got a girl involved though.

End scene

Stay Tuned for next week's installment of Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-SIT-Comm

Now Taking Requests!

I will now be taking requests for panelists in the Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm. I can't promise I'll be able to book everyone you want to appear, but so far most have been very enthusiastic (apparently appearances on this blog can launch your career).

So far, I've already lined up this angry lumberjack (right), Death (who reluctantly decided to return), and possibly Mr. Khrushchev.

Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm #3

Well, it's that time again...No, not Christmas...It's time for Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm. I have a few things to discuss, so let's get right to it. As always, let's first introduce our participators:


Mark Shields: Political Commentator, Syndicated Columnist for Chicago Tribune, Had Role in Broadway Production of Oklahoma (that is actually true).








Colossus: Russian Super-Hero, Steel Skin, Queer












Ferdinand Fochs: World War I Marshall of French Forces, If this is the guy that won, imagine what the Generals who lost in World War II looked like.













Solid Snake: Snake Eater, Skilled Special Ops.















Grim Reaper: Death, From Norway














William Tecumseh Sherman: Union General in the Civil War, Looks Crazy










Socrates: Constantly Asking "Socratic Questions"













Socrates: Brazilian Soccer Player in the 1980s














Machiavelli: I'm glad we finally have a coherent reasonable group. Well, as we all know Christmas is approaching. Over 95% of Americans celebrate the holiday, but some are concerned that we have lost touch with what this holiday is all about. What do you think, Mr. Shields?

Shields: The reality is that Christmas was never really about the birth the Jesus. Since its beginning it has been an adoption of pagan rituals and just generally a time to throw a good party. In fact, up until the mid-19th century it was not even aknowledged by most Churches in America (aside from the Episcopalian and Catholic). During the 1870s and 1880s it really was a time for the Irish and other Catholic immigrants to start riots and such. So to ask if Christmas has drifted from its message ignores the entire history of-

Death: Pardon the interruption, but I think I need to interject....

Shields: Umm...Okay.

Death: I would just like to say that this is the gayest committe yet. I mean we got the Russian flamer in one corner and this French faggala in the other. This one guy over here is Greek (need I say more) and the soccer player's shorts are way too short. Don't let me even get started with Mr. Snake Eater.

Snake: F U

Colossus: You guys...come one...can't we just get along. Let's stay positive. Let me just say, Socrates (Brazilian) has absolutely fabulous fashion sense!...it's so American Apparel...I just luv it.

Fochs: (Takes a bite out of a baguette)

Machiavelli: Alright, let's try to avoid insults, Death. Just stick to the topic.

Socrates (Greek): Where am I?

Sherman: No, I'm going to have to agree with Death on this one. This is a real sausage party. Come on, why don't you ever get any poon in here? Instead I have to sit here in constant surveilance to make sure that my snake isn't going to be "eaten."

Snake: You're dead Sherman.

Death: No, I'm dead!...or Death...hahaha...I crack myself up sometimes.

Machiavelli: Anyway, Socrates...what do you think of the holiday situation?

Socrates (Brazilian): Que?

Socrates (Greek): What?

Machiavelli: I really thought one of you would have more to say.

Socrates (Greek): What is this?

Sherman: It's your hand! Can I leave?

Machiavelli: No. If I can't, you can't.

Colossus: O my God! I just spilled ketchup on my pants...they're ruined. I think I'm going to die...(scurries off to restroom)

Death: You should invite that Galactus guy back again, he really helped things along last time.

Machiavelli: I'm already regretting it (Looks over to Foch who's putting on one of those striped shirts and adjusting the seat on his bicycle). Let's try something else. Time Magazine decided that this year's person of the year is...you! According to Time, user generated content (as in You Tube or this blog) was the most significant development of the year. What do you guys think?

Sherman: That's a bunch of bullsh*t. How can everyone be the "Person of the Year." It doesn't even make sense. I mean-

Snake: (Sneaks up behind Sherman and snaps his neck).

Death: Doesn't that break one of your debate rules.

Machiavelli: Strangely...no.

Death: Now who's going to burn down Atlanta? That Fochs guy? hehe.

Socrates (Brazilian): Onde esta o Sr. Fochs?

Machiavelli: Good question.

(strange noises emanate from the restroom. upon further listening, it appears to be very aggressive mixtures of Russian and French)

Death: Well, this is awkward.

Sherman: Hey, Snake, why don't you go join them? hehe

Snake: Do you want me to finish the job?

Death: I thought you killed him.

Snake: No, just a sleeper.

Death: pfft...wimp.

Snake: You're next.

Death: I'm getting out of here...that guy's really weird. Plus, it's even gayer than last time. (Exits)

Socrates (Greek): Who are you?

Shields: Is he talking to a chair?

Machiavelli: Probably...who cares. I think it's time to end this.

Sherman: There better be some chicks here next time.

Machiavelli: I'll do what I can...Stay tuned for next time where there will definantly be at least one girl.

Conspiracy Consensus #4: MLB Planned Invasion of Iraq!

Look through the looking glass, people!

Some Clips

The U.N.

Etiquette

Republicans

Breaking News!: Conspiracy Consensus #3: Fiji Coup Organized by CIA

An hour ago, the Fiji military took control of the government and ousted the democratically elected prime minister, Laisenia Qarese. The event culminates a 5 year long plan by the CIA to topple the government. In what some analysts are calling the "Bay of Viti Levu," Fijian exiles were trained in neighboring Vanuatu in collaboration with rogue generals. It is clear why the CIA would be so interested in the nation as, according to wikipedia, Fiji has abundant supplies of minerals and fish. Commentators point out that the U.S. government did a poor job masking their operation because well... why the hell would Fiji have a military anyway? To fight like swordfish and stuff?

John Bolton Brought Down By Scandal!

It seems that Bolton must finally pay his dues. After being grilled on an expose first appering on this blog, Bolton has chosen to resign from his post of U.S. ambassador rather than attempt to deny the charges. Apparently, my post created such a groundswell of demands for an investigation that he was forced to bow to the people and leave the public spotlight.

May all those in power tremble.

-With great power comes great responsibility.