This blog is in direct competition with me!

Apparently another blog is trying to move into my niche market: being super awesome. I wish them the best of luck.

aww...this brings back all those memories of hours spent in political science labs...those were the days...

Political Scientists Discover New Form Of Government

WASHINGTON, DC—Political scientists at the Cato Institute announced Monday that they have inadvertently synthesized a previously theoretical form of government known as megalocracy.

"We were attempting to recreate a military junta in a controlled diplomatic setting, and we applied too much external pressure," said head researcher Dr. Adam Stogsdill, a leading expert in highly reactionary ruling systems. "The resultant government has the ruthless qualities of a dictatorship combined with the class solidarity of a plutocracy—it's quite a remarkable find."

Stogsdill explained that megalocracy is extremely unstable and can only exist in idealistic conditions for a few minutes before collapsing into anarchy.

MODESTO!!!!

Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again

Curse You Keyshawn!!!!

KJ gained two more games on me and now has a commanding 5 game lead...sigh.

...
So you thought the Patriots were good before? In case you didn't know, the Patriots were mauling teams WITHOUT THEIR 2 STARTING RUNNING BACKS!! This week they saw a still ailing Moroney return. He should be completely healthy by next week against the Colts.

Speaking of which, I pick the Colts to win not because I think they have a chance, but because I have a romantic hope that evil can't always triumph over good. If the Colts don't beat the Pats, nobody will. How evil are the Patriots? In the 4th quarter, winning 38 to nothing against the 5th best defense in the league, the Washington Redskins, and with Brady still in the game, the Patriots, on the Redskins 23 yard line, went for it on 4th and 1. Yup...41-0 wasn't good enough. They got the 1st down and proceeded to score a touchdown, making it 45 to nothing......Pure evil.

so, my picks for next week...
Colts over Pats
Redskins over Jets
49ers over Falcons
Tampa over Arizona
Green Bay over KC
Bengals over Bills
Vikings over Chargers
Lions over Broncos
Titans over Panthers
Jaguars over Saints
Seahawks over Browns
Raiders over Texans
Cowboys over Eagles
Steelers over Ravens

More Ridiculous than Cal vs. Stanford?

Why don't teams just do this every play?

Rarely do I indulge in baseball humor, but even I got this one...

Red Sox Attempt To Break Fabled 'Curse Of Relief Pitcher Curtis Leskanic'

BOSTON—The Boston Red Sox, who have failed to win a single World Series since the departure of relief pitcher Curtis Leskanic in 2004, are attempting to defy the odds and do the impossibl

e: reverse the curse of the journeyman reliever whose ghost has haunted this team since the mid-2000s.

Pitted against the Colorado Rockies in the 2007 Fall Classic, the team that for two long years seemed like it might be destined to lose forever has a chance to finally put an end to its 36-month-long World Series drought. However, the Red Sox must first overcome the famed Curse of Curtis Leskanic, which caused medium-to-long-suffering fans much anguish and heartache during the period between 2005 and 2006.

"It will take a miracle for the Sox to win the World Series as long as the spirit of Leskanic has anything to say about it," wrote Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy, who coined the phrase "Curse Of The Former Red Sox Relief Pitcher Curtis Leskanic" in March of 2005, when an error by shortstop Edgar Renteria allowed the Devil Rays to defeat the Red Sox 7-4 in a spring training game. "This curse will play a huge part in this series. Every home run that curves just foul, every dropped fly ball, every bad hop, every blown call—Curtis Leskanic will be there."

Leskanic, a right-handed set-up man acquired by the Red Sox halfway through the 2004 season, pitched nearly 28 innings for the team from July to September, and was present as Boston defeated the Yankees in the ALCS and went on the win the World Series. However, as legend has it, the Red Sox refused to offer him a contract extension, despite the fact that he was coming off a 3-5 season with a 5.19 ERA and 37 strikeouts. Leskanic, unable to find work in the major leagues, retired—and the rest is history. Since then, the Florida Little League team that Leskanic went on to coach has enjoyed unprecedented success, winning the Lake County Round Robin two years in a row and going undefeated in 2006.

Meanwhile, the Red Sox have made it to the playoffs just twice since 2004.

"I don't usually believe in 'curses,' but how else do you explain the Red Sox's early elimination from the 2005 Division Series, or their five-game sweep at the hands of the Yankees last August, or the fact that they didn't even make the playoffs in 2006?" said longtime Red Sox fan Gary Everett. "No team is that unlucky."

"We never should've gotten rid of Leskanic," Everett added. "Just think of how many more rings we'd have now."

"When [White Sox outfielder Scott] Podsednik hit that home run in Game 1 of the 2005 ALDS, all I could think was, 'Damn you, Leskanic!'" said Allston, MA resident Terry Bresler. "But if the Sox can beat the Rockies this year, I might be able to finally forgive Tony Graffanino for that error he made in Game 2 of that series."

In an interesting twist of fate, to end the curse, the Red Sox must first beat the Rockies, the team with which Leskanic began his career in 1993. Many fans believe destiny brought these two teams together—that it is only fitting that the Red Sox must exorcise the demons of their recent past against the very team with which Leskanic enjoyed his greatest success, including his 7-5, 6.23 ERA season in 1996 and his 1-1 effort in 1994.

"Ending the curse against the Rockies will just make it that much sweeter," said Boston resident Terry McMahon. "Not even Curtis Leskanic can stop this team!"

"I just pray that my son can see the Sox win at least one World Series in his lifetime," said Boston resident Sal Fischer of his son Cody, 2.

Many Red Sox fans believe the Curse of Curtis Leskanic was already broken this June when two diehard Red Sox fans traveled to Leskanic's childhood home in Homestead, PA and burned it to the ground, while others think the curse was lifted in August when the Red Sox won three games in a row. Still others believe that the ghost of Leskanic was expelled from Boston in April, when Jimmy Buffett played to a sold-out crowd at Fenway Park; Leskanic was known for not being that into Jimmy Buffett.

Curtis Leskanic currently resides in Orlando, FL with his family, and works as a pro scouting consultant in the Red Sox organization. When reached for comment, he wished the Red Sox the best of luck.

I get Clobbered by KJ

KJ went a strong 10-4, while I did an extremely poor 7-7. This means that KJ now has 3! games on me. Sigh.

Maybe I'll come back next week:

Indy over Panthers
Detroit over Chicago
Steelers over Bengals
Giants over Dolphins
Cleveland over Rams
Tennessee over Raiders
Jets over Bills
Chargers over Texans
Bucs over Jags
Patriots over Redskins
49ers over Saints
Broncos over Packers

An ode to great diatribes:

Mario Savio at Sproul Hall


From the movie Network, Howard Beale
"I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's work, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV's while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.' Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot - I don't want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you've got to get mad.
[shouting] You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, Goddamnit! My life has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell,
[shouting] 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!' I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell - 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!... You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it:
[screaming at the top of his lungs] "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

Dennis Green:


A Twist: 2 Guys Ranting at Each Other (Ron Paul and Sean Hannity):


I don't know if this counts, but: Ann Coulter (Quite possibly the most annoying person on the planet)


Bill Maher (with all of his lame jokes):


Donkey

MMM....delicious

"...The President's Amusement..."

My Congressmen, Pete Stark, makes headlines with provocative remarks:



I guess he's representing me well.

Somewhat Obscure Joke, Part 1

Vinny Testaverde Touchdown Dance Hopelessly Out of Date:

Not bad

In The Know: Is The Government Spying On Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough?

An Actual Quote From Hillary Clinton

"To paraphrase Stephen Colbert, that great philosopher, this administration doesn't make decisions based on facts, it makes facts based on decisions. By ignoring or manipulating science the Bush administration is letting our economic competitors get an edge in the global economy."


Colbert is my hero.

Good Stuff

Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

Pump Up the Warning!

kj and I are tied

Regardless of Monday Night's result, Keyshawn and I will be tied as he gained a game on me this week. Assuming the Giants win, I went 7-6 and KJ went 8-5.


Let's go over some Stats of the Week:

- Devin Hester has played 21 regular season games. This week he broke Gale Sayers' record for most KR touchdowns with 9. Sayers played 68 games.

-Adrian Peterson ran for over 224 yards against the Chicago Bears...let me emphasize...224 yards against THE CHICAGO BEARS. Peterson, who also had a 55 yard kick return as part of his 361 all purpose yards (3rd most ever in NFL history), set the record for most rushing yards EVER against the Bears. The Bears have been a franchise for 87 years. Take a look at the highlights.

-The Patriots have outscored opponents by a combined score of 138 points. 27 teams in the NFL have yet to score 138 points (For the record, the 9ers have 64)

-Tom Brady has 21 touchdowns and 2 interceptions in 6 games. To be on pace to beat Manning's record of 48 TDs in a season, one would need to throw 3 TDs, on average, every game. Translation: Brady is on pace to break the record in less than 14 games.

-The Raiders have lost 16 straight division games.

-Reggie Bush had his 3 longest rushes in his career against the Seahawks. I don't know exactly what is the most amazing part of that stat: that it was part of the 42 unanswered points suffered by Seattle over 2 games after piling up 37 in San Francisco or that Bush's longest career run is 19 yards.

Predictions:
Baltimore over Bills
Saints over Falcons
Redskins over Cardinals
Giants over 49ers
Patriots over Dolphins
Texans over Titans
Bucs over Lions
Oakland over K.C.
Bengals over Jets
Bears over Eagles
Seahawks over Rams
Cowboys over Vikings
Steelers over Broncos
Jags over Colts

Big News! Supreme Court Ruling: Gore to hand over Nobel Peace Prize to Bush

Hanging chads, Bush's "Clear Skies Initiative" (which raises allowable pollution
levels), cited in decision.















[I couldn't help it, I'm seeing football everywhere now.]

More Football Comedy that nobody cares about...

In the tradition of this excellent post from 49ers news, here are some more suggestions from 49er players placed in Mike Nolan's "anonymous" suggestion box.

Football Comedy from The Onion

Patriots stunned by Mere 17 Point Victory

BOSTON—The Patriots organization is reeling this week following their narrow 34-17 victory over the lowly Browns, taking stock of their game-planning methods, philosophy, and indeed their entire season in the aftermath of a game in which they gained barely more than 500 total yards, came within seconds of failing to cover the spread, and scored only twice as much as their opponent.

"I think it's too early to call the season a failure," said visibly shaken Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, who was called into the office of owner Robert Kraft Monday morning and officially placed on probation in light of the insufficiently dominant victory. "I wish to extend my deepest apologies to the Patriots fans and ask them to continue supporting the players and the team. All the blame for Sunday's victory has to lie with me."

Practices have been subdued and intense this week as players struggle to adjust offensive and defensive schemes that were unable to put the Browns away until late in the first quarter, produced a scant 4.4 yards per rush—only 0.6 yards over the league average—and had to rely on two interceptions and a fumble recovery to finally go up by more than 10 points.

"I have to take my share of the blame," said quarterback Tom Brady, who has already drawn moderate criticism this season for throwing only three touchdowns in each of the Patriots' games so far. "With two minutes left in the fourth quarter, I missed [tight end] Kyle [Brady] in the end zone. Any other greatest quarterback makes that touchdown pass and we win by 24—not outstanding, but at least it would have given us some pride in the locker room. As it was, we couldn't look each other in the eye."

Although Belichick has refused to discuss personnel moves, Patriots insiders say that benching Brady for next week's game against undefeated Dallas was a definite possibility. All-pro tight end Ben Watson, who only scored twice against the Browns and struggled to produce a 106-yard performance, will almost certainly lose his starting job. Backup running back Samuel Morris managed only 102 yards on 21 carries and is generally acknowledged to be finished in the NFL. And wideout Randy Moss, held to only 49 yards, is almost certain to be traded by next week.

"It was probably my worst game as a pro," said linebacker Junior Seau, who was almost invisible for the whole game, only able to intercept a total of two Derek Anderson passes all game and none in the second half. "Not that I was alone out there. Randall [Gay] only recovered one fumble for a touchdown. And I hate to call out the other unit, but there were a couple of times when the offensive line almost gave up their fourth sack of the season."

"I've tried so hard to build a culture of winning here, and this is the kind of win we get," Belichick said at a post-practice press conference Wednesday. "This team has so much wrong with it, it's hard to believe we've managed to only lose zero games."

Hooray!

This week, I humiliated Keyshawn Johnson. I went 10-4 and he went 8-6. That puts me a game ahead of him...Hooray!!!

Let's hope the trend continues:

Ravens over Rams
Bears over Vikings
Packers over Skins
Houston over Jags
Cincy over KC
Jets over Eagles
Bucs over Titans
Arizona over Panthers
Patriots over Cowboys
Chargers over Raiders
Seahawks over Saints
Giants over Falcons
Cleveland over Miami

Oh man! This one makes me so angry. This is why I hate Superman: he's constantly forgetting his powers! How many fights have I watched with Superman where he's getting beat up for 5 minutes and then he just uses his eye lasers and cuts the guy in half? WHY DIDN'T HE JUST DO THAT IN THE BEGINNING? Maybe he forgets his powers because they make no sense. I have yet to hear a clear explanation for why Superman can fly. I said fly (which he does regularly) not jump really high. Then there's the issue of how he got his powers in the first place (his sun was red and ours is yellow...so). And whenever someone comes at him with Krypton, why doesn't he just blow it away with his cold breath or run away with his supersonic speed? It just makes no sense.

This is a perfect example: instead of using his supersonic speed to grab everyone and use his flight and super strength to carry them across the trench he uses his powers to...make a human bridge?...? Screw all that, why didn't he just blow out the fire? I don't care how good the man of steel is as a bridge, it's much more dangerous to have people walk across his narrow back than the countless other things that would have saved those people with much less effort from him and them.

Hmmm...where to start? So, according to "Batman's Diary," which he must have started when he was a 13 year old girl, his first enemy was some kind of businessman who just happened to have a suspended net in his factory to drop on people. The guy doesn't even know who Batman is (a costumed character), so why did he have the net in the first place? This begs another question: why was the net effective? Assuming that Batman didn't have all his gadgets (which would make me wonder how he proposed he would be able to fight anybody) why didn't he just get out of the net trap the way you get out of all net traps: lift up the weights and crawl out? I mean, how long is the net going to slow him down? Even if the net had worked, what was the insurance salesman's plan? Was he just going to climb down the scaffold and start kicking the "costumed character?"

Why did Batman give Robin his diary...and why is Robin reading it? Doesn't he have anything better to do. Also, instead of a diary themed episode, why didn't the writer just come up with another adventure? Did he really want to explore Batman's first fight? If so, why did he make his enemy a pathetic guy with no personality wearing a suit whose best weapon is a net?

Stealing Presents from Poor Kids

Stupid, sexy Green Lantern.

How is it that Sonar, "The Man Who Conquered Sound," is able to fly? Maybe there's some acoustic engineers out there who could explain this to me, but I just don't get it.
Also, why is he wearing a marching band outfit?

Death! Don't just stand there...Do Something!
Seriously though, this is really creepy. You get a feeling that this would only fly in the 1950s.

Now, I have been flexible with my definition of "sniping" in the past, but this is ridiculous. You need to be at least 3 feet away from somebody when you shoot them to be considered a sniper. Also, why does he shoot the unarmed guy and not the guy with a pistol and a mounted machine gun?

"If you don't get in front of this big truck, little girl, I will punch you SO hard!"

The New Feature in Practice

"AHHH...that Unicorneaus Tyranosauras Rex with Fingers will destroy our beautiful gray city"

...4,329 gasps.

A rough week for both of us

Both Keyshawn and I went a dreadful 7-7, which means that KJ is still a game ahead of me.


For next week:

NE over Browns
Steelers over Seahawks
Saints over Panthers
Detroit over Washington
Giants over Jets
Houston over Dolphins
Titans over Falcons
Chiefs over Jags
Cardinals over Rams
Indy over Bucs
Chargers over Broncos
Ravens over 9ers
Green Bay over Bears

A new feature...

If I find time, I want to create a new feature. I won't give too much information, but it'll be similar to the last two posts...and a lot better...stay tuned.


















Alright...a sneak peek...

...A Follow Up

Communists are weird.