The Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived

hehe...ELECT ME!

2008-07-11T21:51:00.001-07:00

The Next President?

2008-07-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

Zoo animals forced to do hard time for always being asleep when I want to look at them

2008-05-17T17:41:00.001-07:00

Funny

2008-04-19T17:46:00.001-07:00

Congress Debates Merits Of New Catchphrase

2008-03-23T20:04:00.001-07:00

A New Post!

2008-03-12T17:53:00.001-07:00

Delicious Snacks Distract Congressmen From Horrors Of War

2008-02-18T18:55:00.000-08:00

Nation Of Andorra Not In Africa, Shocked U.S. State Dept. Reports

Maybe I'm getting lamer, but I thought this was laugh-out-loud funny

2008-02-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

Shaq Terrified Of Phoenix Suns After Reading About Supernovas

Link

2008-02-13T17:54:00.001-08:00

Expert On Anteaters Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters

Quotes

2008-02-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.

15 Super Bowl Lessons

2008-02-03T23:28:00.000-08:00

1. Tom Brady is human and Randy Moss is stoppable

2. Joe Montana is still the best QB of all time

3. The Giants have 3 of the best 15 Defensive Ends in the league, and 2 of the top 5

4. The Giants had the best draft class of 2007

5. Any team can win the Superbowl

6. Michael Strahan made the best decision of his life by not retiring. Tiki Barber made the worst.

7. An old coach can learn new tricks

8. When the Pats defense plays well, they look experienced. When they play badly, they look old. The Pats defense looked old.

9. The NFC was better than we thought.

10. The Giants are better without Shockey and Barber.

11. Contrary to what everyone said, the Giants COULD make mistakes and still win. They did not play a perfect game. The Patriots just played worse.

12. The difference between a #1 pick (Manning) and a 199th pick (Brady) is usually athleticism. Manning showed he was the better athlete.

13. Belichick did not deserve to win; not because he cheated, but because he was out-coached.

14. Passing Records mean little. Marino 48, Manning 49, Brady 50. All three of them did not win the Superbowl that year.

15. The Patriots had their asses crowned too early.

This site's new official drink...

2008-02-01T22:36:00.001-08:00

Quotes

2008-01-29T16:28:00.000-08:00

"The 'C' students run the world."

2008-01-28T17:37:00.001-08:00

Mysterious Traveler Entrances Town With Utopian Vision Of The Future

quotes

2008-01-23T17:07:00.000-08:00

"Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else."

That Green Area May Be in a Precarious Position

2008-01-23T16:56:00.001-08:00

Breaking News: Series Of Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot

hehe

2008-01-21T20:20:00.000-08:00

"Romney's fried chicken speech"...priceless

As Obese Population Rises, More Candidates Courting The Fat Vote

HILARIOUS!!!!!!

2008-01-15T15:47:00.001-08:00

Funniest Thing Ever??

It's been a while since The Onion has had one of these...

2008-01-09T23:17:00.000-08:00

In The Know: Are We Giving The Robots That Run Our Society Too Much Power?

More Great Quotes

2008-01-06T15:37:00.000-08:00

"Usually Briefs."

But will they have the guts to follow through?

2008-01-05T22:57:00.001-08:00

Side Note:

2008-01-05T16:13:00.001-08:00

On my blog's coverage of the 2008 ClusterF*ck to the Whitehouse, things that are funny will appear here on TGTEC, and things that are serious will appear on BPD.

Anyone who can play the bass like that deserves my vote!

2008-01-03T23:04:00.000-08:00

Huckabee '08!!

Encore:

Quotes...

2008-01-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

I don' think that will be the last Twain quote...stay tuned.

Quotes, cont.

2007-12-23T17:03:00.000-08:00

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

For Posterity...

2007-12-23T16:54:00.000-08:00

Watch #52 Carefully:

Yes, that's a MLB chasing down a wide receiver. His name is Patrick Willis...write that down.

Bonus: Soccer Bloopers

Deacon Jones is one crazy Mamma-Jamma

2007-12-22T16:52:00.000-08:00

A New FEATURE!!!

2007-12-20T22:57:00.000-08:00

This blog just doesn't stop...an avalanche of new features and updates.

Today's new feature will be a "Quote of the Week." It will probably be one of the best features this blog has had in a while.

Anyway, let's start things off with a quote by the late G.K. Chesterton...take your time to fully savor this one...

"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."

Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm is BACK!!!!!!

2007-12-19T23:55:00.000-08:00

I did promise a return to more substantive updates and what could be more substantive than a Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm about the upcoming presidential primaries?

I don't mean to brag, but I've really assembled an all star panel this week. Including myself, the moderator, we'll have the following guests, all of which have been following the upcoming primaries in Iowa and New Hampshire closely, in attendance:

Hannibal Hamlin: Lincoln's first Vice-President, considered by most historians to be America's best, most forgettable second in command.

Johnny Johnson: Editor of the Des Moines Register

Death: No explanation needed

A Ninja

For more info, see this

An Elephant in Musk

Luke Cage, bitches

(via satellite)

Sr. Domanguez: Pillsbury's Mexican Cousin. Also is probably just the doughboy acting out personal stereotypes about what a Mexican person is.

Machiavelli: Before we start, I should mention that we're having some technical problems communicating with Luke Cage. We'll get to him as the situation improves. Also, the elephant called ahead and said he would be late because of traffic. Alright to begin, let's talk about Mike Huckabee, who's recently surged in Iowa. Mr. Johnson, how do you account for Huckabee's recent success?

Johnson: Well, Huckabee has a strong evangelical base and he has been attracting attention because of his populist economic stances. We'll wait and see if some of his faux paus catch up to him by election time.

Ninja: Huckabee has made a lot of bad decisions in the campaign. He needs to learn how to decide better from a ninja...Ninjas have to make snap decisions all the time... The time it takes for Huckabee to make a decision, a ninja would already have made 24 decisions and his decision and they're not easy decisions...a ninja might have to decide whether or not to kill somebody with one touch on the shoulder or kill 'em while hanging down from this rope and throwing a ninja star right through the heart. One time I had to decide whether to kill this cyclopigator: that's a cyclops alligator...you know one with one eye...a big eye... or Jay Leno...that was a tough decision...so I killed both of them! [wham wham] in hindsight maybe I should have just left them alone because that cyclopigator would have eaten Jay Leno anyway...you don't want to mess with a cyclopigator, those guys are vicious. And the Jay Leno you think is Jay Leno is not Jay Leno, because I killed the real Jay Leno. The Jay Leno you see is a robot with a steak on its chin..So Huckabee needs to make more ninja-like decisions, but also watch his back because there's probably a bunch of ninjas trying to kill him...I'm just kidding, if a ninja we're trying to kill Huckabee he would have been dead before he thought about thinking about running for president... Huckabee's doing a good job of capturing the minds of voters, but he's not doing it like a ninja...if a ninja was capturing the minds of voters he would use this crazy hook...throwing...rope...thing and rip out everyone's brains with it...and they would all bleed to death on their way to the polling station, but I would not advise that.

Death: This guy's sick.

Machiavelli: Really? I think he's hilarious.

Hamlin: When are we going to get to the pie?

Death: Pie?

Machiavelli: shh...I told him there would be pie. It's the only way I could him to come...back from the dead.

Domanguez: hey, senor, I could make food. I'm known for making great encheladas. I put da peppers in with da rice...and then then I mix it and it is delishious. Senor Gringo you would like, no?

Machiavelli: that sounds pretty good...yeah go ahead. Make sure you make it with corn tortillas though. My stupid-ass brother likes it with flour tortillas.

Domanguez: Oh no no...senhor...never use flour tortillas...that is, how do you say?, not is good...sh*tty?

Machiavelli: I like this guy...you know this discussion is going much better than any of the previous ones.

Death: What was that?

Machiavelli: what?

Domanguez: I didn't hear nothing, senor.

Ninja: I heard it. Ninjas have super hearing. When ninjas are being trained, one ninja stands like in Alaska while the trainee is in Texas and then the ninja in Alaska whispers a number between 1 and a billion and if the trainee ninja doesn't say that number within 1 second he's killed immediately...brutally...really brutally. After that, the next step is flight. You have to jump up and not land for at least 3 hours...and if you come down before that, they kill you...and it has to be exactly 3 hours...if it's 10 seconds more, they kill you for that too.

Machiavelli: Wait, there it was again.

Death: Is that the door? Should we answer it?

Machiavelli: Well...wait...it stopped. (goes to door, looks in peephole) well, there's nothing there...strange...Anyway, we're getting confirmation that Luke Cage is finally here via satellite. So, Mr. Cage, do you think Obama can close the gap in Iowa and challenge Hillary?

Cage: [satellite pause] I'm sorry I'm having troub---hearing y--. I just finished chaining a lot of bitches----------ice--------then I took his head--- into floor----over and over----badass---------ood everywhere....

Ninja: Did you use the dragon breath kick to the back of the liver?

Machiavelli: I'm sorry Mr. Cage we can't seem to fix our connection problems. Maybe we'll get you back here during the next Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm.

Death: Aren't these supposed to be twice a month? Not 6 times in one month and then not again for 5 months?

Machiavelli: shut up.

Hamlin: These enchiladas are delicious.

Johnson: yeah, these are much better than the ones we have in Des Moines.

Domanguez: gracias

Machiavelli: hmm...maybe we should move on...so, Senor Domanguez, what impact do you think the latino vote will have on this year's election?

Domanguez: I can no speak for all of Mexicanoes, but I think Obama has--

Death: wait, there it was again...did you hear it this time?

Johnson: spooky

Domanguez: could be a chupacabra.

Ninja: chupacabras don't knock...maybe it's a chupacabra door-to-door encyclopedia salesman...an encycloalesacabra.

Machiavelli: that one was stupid.

Death: Hey, Hamlin, you're dead...why don't you go answer it.

Hamlin: alright, alright. [opens door]. Oh! it's just an elephant...hey you guys should see this, it's wearing a cute FedEx hat...and a matching jacket...he looks adorable. Hey, oh a package? It had a package wrapped in its trunk...oh, it's for me? ok...[opens package] what is this? Oh no...no! this is my son's pocket watch...how did you get this? I thought this was destroyed when he was...when he was mysteriously trampled to death...wait...only the...how did you get this???...you sick bastard! how could you do this? He was finally putting his life back together...You f*cking elephant...you'll pay...oh you'll pay......what's this? a note?...'YOU...R...nex...t'

Machiavelli: that was weird.

Death: elephants are scary

Machiavelli: Well, that ends this week's Bi-Mon-Pan-Dis-Comm...stay tuned one half month for our next edition...BYE BYE.

Still 5 games back

2007-12-19T22:24:00.000-08:00

Once again, I tied with KJ. The good news is that since I used this statue, I haven't lost any games to him...

Anyway, on to next week...

Steelers over Rams
Cowboys over Panthers
Bills over Giants
Saints over Eagles
Jags over Raiders
Browns over Bengals
Packers over Bears
Colts over Texans
Cardinals over Falcons
Bucs over 9ers
Titans over Jets
Seahawks over Ravens
Patriots over Dolphins
Vikings over Redskins
Chargers over Denver

The final Primus post

2007-12-16T20:54:00.000-08:00

Tommy the Cat

Here's a clip from live version to see how he does the it in real time...go about 1 minute 20 seconds in for it to start.

Believe it or not, I can play the main riff from this song...sloppily

THERE...I decorated

2007-12-16T17:52:00.000-08:00

2007-12-16T17:41:00.000-08:00

This is really weird.

Fashion News

2007-12-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

This piece of sh*t from Dooney and Burke costs $265.

This amazing Polo wallet costs $85

This shoe costs $320. If you have two feet, it'll cost you $720.

When the Revolution comes, try to be the first against the wall.

The Return of the Doughboy

2007-12-14T17:14:00.000-08:00

It's the Return of the ..."Oh, wait, no way, he didn't just say what I think he did he?"
And Machiavelli said...nothing you idiots! Machiavelli's dead, he's locked up in my oven!
Feminist Women love Pop'n'Fresh:
"Pillsbury, I'm sick of him. Look at him, bouncing around, wearing that you-know-what, cooking the you-know-who," "Yeah, but he's so insane though!"
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose. But no worse, then what's going on in your parents' kitchen.
Sometimes, I wanna get on the Stove and just let loose, but can't, but it's cool for Machiavelli to Diatribe all day.
'Democrats this...Republicans that...And if I'm lucky you'll vote for me'
And that's the message that we tell all our bloggers
And expect them not to know what a voting machine is
Of course they gonna know what the electoral system is by the time they hit 4th grade.
They got CSPAN don't they?

But if you cook like I cook, I got the ingredient, Chefs wave your spatulas, sing the chorus, how does it go?:

Cause I'm Pop'n'Fresh, yes I'm the real Doughboy
All the other Doughboys are just imitating
So won't the real Doughboy please hop up,please hop up, please hop up?

Cause I'm Pop'n'Fresh, yes I'm the real Doughboy
All the other Doughboys are just imitating
So won't the real Doughboy please hop up,please hop up, please hop up?

Did you like it? That was my completely original new song that I totally invented all by myself. Yeah, I know... I am SO cool.

Wow. It's glad to be back. Death and I have spent the last couple of months in my homeland, URAM. We spent most of the time looking for my old elementary school. 3 months later we found out that I never went to school. Boy!, was my face red!

Anyway, we finally left the cooking capital of the world and headed towards our new destination: Asianland.

Asianland is an exciting nation full of exotic people.

Everyone was so nice and not mean to me at all.

The only problem was that everyone was pushy and mean to me. They kept saying things like, "Stop desecrating our crazy temples," and "That's not a spittoon. That's our national flag." WHAT JERKS! The nerve of these Asianlanders.

One thing I should warn everyone about: Bangkok is NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, like I thought it would be. Talk about false advertising. However, I must admit that the city inspired a new recipe for me: the Bangkok Biscuit. Death said I wasn't allowed to say what's in it.

Probably the highlight of the trip was seeing the Great Ball. That thing was huge. It's the only ball that can be seen from space...that I know of.

Oh, we also saw the Great Wall. That was a huge disappointment. I don't see why it's so great. These snobby Asianlanders. They call everything "Great" over there.

Another great place was TinyMan square. I don't know why they call it that, but whatever. Apparently, it's the squarest place in the world and is the only square that can be seen from outer space. I guess it was squarey...

To get there we took an Asianland "car." Asianland cars are a lot like tanks in America. They're pretty cool. They're the only cars that can be seen from outer space. Anyway, on the way there we had to stop because this stupid jerk with shopping bags wouldn't get out of the way. I wanted the driver to just run him down, but the driver said that was against the rules of Asianland. What a stupid country.If they had followed my advice they wouldn't have had so much traffic over there.

I was really thrilled to meet up with my cousin, ChinaDoughMan. He met us at the airport, but he couldn't be our tour guide. He was too busy doing math problems or something. I don't know what he said, but i just assume it was math problems. Asianlanders do math problems instead of playing sports...man these Beijing Olympics this summer are going to be SOO boring.

All in all, Asianland was lame. It was the stupidest place we've been to so far. Did you know that in Asianland they worship Elephants. Honest to God, freaking Elephants. That's why I loved it so much. Elephants are so cool, they have these long noses and some people say they have special powers. I can't wait to become a Buddhist!

Next week we'll visit China.

Important Announcement!

2007-12-14T16:51:00.000-08:00

For all intents and purposes, I'm finished with school this semester...HUZZAH!!!

That means that this blog will rely less on video clips for updates...Double HUZZAH!!!

Stay Tuned.

More Primus (w/ background info)

2007-12-12T17:18:00.000-08:00

Here's some boring background info to this clip:

After Cliff Burton, Metallica's original bassist who happened to go to the same high school as my mom, was killed when he fell out of and then was trapped under a bus, Metallica held auditions for replacements. Apparently, among the finalists was Les Claypool. Finally, the members of Metallica decided against him, claiming: "He's got his own thing goin,'" which was their way of saying this guy is scary good. Anyway, they instead chose some guy named Jason Newstead who was pretty plain. He later left the band. Claypool, very disappointed, decided to get his own thing goin' and created Primus, which as these clips have shown, is nearly unlistenable, but amazing. In any case, Primus has done a few covers of Metallica songs, but they're very hard to find. One such is the following. Here, we get a glimpse of what Metallica could have been if they were a little more open-minded with Primus' rendition of the intro to Master of Puppets...enjoy.

I finally found 'em

2007-12-11T22:07:00.000-08:00

I've been looking all over for these, but I finally found them...

(still not youtube)

So Sad...

2007-12-11T21:58:00.000-08:00

Report: Nationâ��s Wealthy Cruelly Deprived Of True Meaning Of Christmas

Another week...

2007-12-11T19:57:00.000-08:00

YES! I gained a game back on KJ this week. I was pretty impressive, going 13-3. This means that I'm only 5 games behind now.

The statue might be good luck------>

Next week:
Texans over Broncos
Bengals over 49ers
Seahawks over Panthers
Bucs over Falcons
Packers over Rams
Steelers over Jags
Cardinals over Saints
Browns over Bills
Titans over Chiefs
Ravens over Dolphins
Pats over Jets
Colts over Raiders
Chargers over Broncos
Cowboys over Eagles
Redskins over Giants
Vikings over Bears

Primus continues

2007-12-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

6 string basses are cool...

Serj Tankian (AKA Signor Giordano) is Amazing

2007-12-11T13:15:00.000-08:00

AND WITH TOP HAT!!!:

hmmm...I thought this would be better:

2007-12-10T16:38:00.000-08:00

Should Animals Be Doing More For The Animal Rights Movement?

Death Bed: The Bed that Eats People

2007-12-10T11:09:00.000-08:00

alright alright...that's the last you tuber I'm going to do. I know, you're all tired of them.

Of course, the Primus videos will continue, though:

Interested in Harrowing Tales?

2007-12-09T22:32:00.001-08:00

Check this out

It was good, but a little predictable. Not a single flying octopus...tsk tsk

For my entertainment

2007-12-09T11:57:00.000-08:00

I saw this a while ago and I thought it was hilarious. It's not for everyone, but I liked it a lot. It also has Spanish subtitles, which is always good.

more Primus

2007-12-09T11:55:00.000-08:00

this one's weird, even for me

A New Feature:

2007-12-08T21:47:00.000-08:00

Primus Music Videos (I thought I'd start posting these just to annoy Robert)

Wynona's Big Brown Beaver

ps. Primus sucks.com

Finally!!!! A Rant Almost Worthy of My Hatred Towards Them

2007-12-08T21:38:00.000-08:00

Pennies!!!

Offical View

2007-12-08T18:30:00.000-08:00

After reading a completely asinine article on the subject, I think I should officially discuss the rules that I think the NFL should adopt to improve the game:

-Adopt College style overtimes (or don't have them at all)
-Fumbles by the offense into the opposing endzone, if not recovered, should be given back to the offense at the 20 yard line.
-No more reviews of the spot of the ball
-Allow reviews of field goals
-No forceouts (if he doesn't get his feet in, it's incomplete no matter how hard he gets hit)
-Only 3 preseason games (possibly 17 regular season games)
-Get rid of strict Division vs. Division play in order to encourage progressive scheduling (worse teams have easier schedule, better teams have harder schedule)
-Allow Arena League style forward motion before the ball is snapped
-I know it's crazy, but...allow offensive holding as long as arms aren't grabbed, hands stay below the neck, no pulling on jersey if the defender gets past lineman, and no bear hugs.

Are you kidding me?

2007-12-08T10:45:00.001-08:00

I was bored last night and I started watching the Golden State-Miami game. Miami was clearly going to win, but I just kept watching. Miami led by at least 10 for almost the entire second half...
And then, out of nowhere, in the last 4 minutes, the Warriors scored a flurry of points and won the game handily. I was in disbelief. It was amazing. This may be the most exciting professional sports team to watch...ever. Too bad they're playing basketball. Highlights

Anyway, here is an article off of ESPN explaining why the Warriors are so awesome:

<<

OAKLAND -- Think about what life would be like if the world operated under the same principles as the Golden State Warriors. Hot fudge sundaes would be nutritious and help you lose weight. Whale-sized sport-utility vehicles would get 50 miles per gallon. "I Love New York" would be up for an Emmy.

The thing about the Warriors is they make no sense. Basketball at the professional level isn't supposed to work this way. In the mixed-up Warrior World, one-on-four pull-up jump shots are encouraged, not punished; a player who has been suspended six times is a source of inspiration and stability; and guys called Mully and Nellie are considered the masterminds of the operation.

The same blueprint that created the greatest playoff upset in NBA history has been rolled out again, and it has turned the Warriors into one of the league's hottest teams. They are the single greatest argument for ordering League Pass (and, for you East Coasters, picking up a case of Red Bull).

If you've been watching them, you've seen the most entertaining squad in the league. And maybe you have come to the same realization I have: There's nothing you can do to stop their style. You know how you don't want to fight a crazy guy, because you don't know what he is going to do? The same thought applies here. If the Warriors are going to shoot the first 25-footer they see, is there really any way to defend against it?

Take general manager Chris Mullin's explanation for how small ball can work.

On defense, "They can throw it in the post, we can go double and get it out of that guy's hands," Mullin said.

But at the other end, with a bunch of small players spreading the floor …

"If you're a big guy, what do you do?" Mullin said. "You're going to come get me, then you're leaving somebody open by the basket."

Spend enough time around these guys, and it starts to make sense.

"It's a lot more organized than what it seems," Baron Davis said.

It starts with rule No. 1 from coach Don Nelson: Shoot the ball.

"He actually said, 'Don't worry about making it,'" Austin Croshere said. "You have to take that shot in order to get the defense to extend to open things up. It's within certain parts of our offense. To get the ball into the corner, you have to get that guy out there."

With an open floor, Davis or Stephen Jackson or Monta Ellis can drive by his man and get to the hoop. Andris Biedrins has room to score inside. He's not much of a true low-post option, so their inside-out game can come from the guard's penetration. They can suck in defenders and throw it back out for another 3-pointer -- the Warriors attempt a league-high 27 per game.

On Monday night against the Orlando Magic, Jackson took at least three shots that would get him benched on most squads. Warriors in transition, defenders back, no teammates inside the 3-point arc -- and Jackson just launched. No repercussions at all. Not even a dirty look.

"It's like playing at the YMCA," Jackson said. "You play your best game when you're not looking over your shoulder."

I asked Nelson what he considers a bad shot. "One that doesn't go in," he said.

"What you see is a lot of freedom," Davis said. "You see everybody has an opportunity to be themselves.

"You come to this team, there's two things you're going to do: You're going to play hard, and you're going to have fun. That's what we do, and it shows out there on the floor."

They're having fun in the stands, too. The Warriors always provide one of the best arena experiences in the league, with a live band playing mellow Mary J. Blige and Michael Jackson tunes before tipoff, good tunes mixed in during the game and fans who do their part by cheering the hustle plays just as loudly as the big dunks.

And now the product matches the production. Mullin has done a good job of shedding the long-term, expensive contracts of Mike Dunleavy, Derek Fisher and Troy Murphy, while getting the right mix of players for this system, including guys who were unwanted or unsuccessful elsewhere. Matt Barnes' scoring average doubled last season, his first with the Warriors. Jackson got a fresh start after a tenure with the Indiana Pacers that was most notable for his throwing punches in the stands at the Palace of Auburn Hills and firing shots in the air after an altercation at a strip club.

Jackson is proof nothing -- not prime real estate, not precious metals -- appreciates in value like a championship ring for a player who moves on. On the next team, that ring will translate into either an overpriced contract or Godfather-level respect. When the Warriors signed Derek Fisher for $36 million over six years in 2004, it was an example of the former. Jackson is an example of the latter. He was the biggest question mark on the San Antonio Spurs' championship squad in 2003. You never knew if you would get a 3-pointer or a turnover from him.

With the Warriors, he's a source of inspiration. He plays with confidence, and it spreads.

"The guys on my team know that, the best player on their team, I'm going to make him work," Jackson said.

The Warriors were 1-6 while he served a seven-game suspension for the shooting incident. Since he returned, they're 9-2. Going back to the end of last season, the Warriors have won 25 of their past 32 regular-season games in which Jackson has played.

The key phrase there is "regular season." As dramatic as their first-round victory over the top-seeded Dallas Mavericks was, the Utah Jazz's disciplined approach won out in the Western Conference semifinals. The Phoenix Suns are the only team playing a style similar to that of the Warriors, and their Steve Nash-led group hasn't reached the NBA Finals. No team coached by Nelson has, either.

Everyone's waiting for the percentages to catch up with the Warriors. Take enough outside shots, and eventually, you'll miss the majority of them. Go with a small lineup, and you'll sacrifice rebounds. Last year's magical run almost didn't happen; the Warriors didn't clinch a playoff spot until the last game of the season.

"We were an eighth seed," Mullin said. "But if we get in, we're dangerous."

They're the crazy guys. You don't take them that seriously at first. But you don't really want to mess with them.>>

2007-12-07T19:14:00.001-08:00

Results and Predictions

2007-12-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

KJ gained another game on me, making his lead 6 games. My record for the season is now 129-77.

Next Week:

Skins over Bears
Jax over Panthers
Bills over Dolphins
Titans over Chargers
Texans over Bucs
Packers over Raiders
Cowboys over Lions
Eagles over Giants
Rams over Bengals
Seahawks over Cardinals
Vikings over 9ers
Broncos over Chiefs
Patriots over Steelers
Browns over Jets
Colts over Ravens
Saints over Falcons

After exhaustive research:

2007-12-02T17:30:00.000-08:00

I have chosen the worst video game in history with respect to its time period.

As reviewed by the Angry Video Nerd:

Link

hehe

2007-12-02T17:26:00.001-08:00

Poll: Mitt Romney Is Candidate Most Voters Want To Get Into Bar Fight With

Hot Sandwich Action...

2007-12-02T11:16:00.000-08:00

ok, so for the record, do not do a google search for the above title. These people are sick sick sick I tell you!

We (Leonhard Euler, and Machiavelli) decided to do a special interest posting pandering to the pro sandwich viewer base out there (our focus groups indicated that we are missing a good deal of support in the "stinkin' cute" demographic, and they seem to enjoy sandwiches more than most people, and by that of course we mean that they enjoy sandwiches more than they enjoy most people (yes its stolen from HSR, so what??)) so with out further adieu... blatant sandwich postings!!! ( I just hit my head trying to type with my head. I'm such an idiot. never forget that. I Machiavelli am an idiot. let that go down into the annuls of time!!!)

This one looked pretty darn tasty. Are those sun dried tomatoes, or some sort of pepper?

As much as I hate to admit it, this is one of the most attractive ham sandwiches I have ever come across. Look at the presentation too! This sandwich really knows how to get my blood pumping.

For the breakfast crowd among you, this interesting sandwich combines both the ideas of pancakes, and sandwiches. Brilliantly lame.

I wanted to do something like this for the turkey bowl BBQ, but everyone kept telling me we didn't have the budget. Also, the logistics seemed to get pretty tricky pretty fast. Like how are we going to find refrigerator space for that many whole dill pickles, and where on earth are we going to find all those cute American flags!?

So you like them a little fresher than that last one? here is one about as fresh as you can get without being a breakfast sandwich. Get it? "Chicken" sandwich? Chickens lay eggs? You eat Eggs for breakfast? There was a breakfast Sandwich posted earlier? HA HA! This stuff should not even be legal, but luckily there are very few laws protecting the dignity of chickens, seeing as how they have none, even as children.

This hot little number goes out to those of you who like BOTH Cats and Sandwiches. You know who you are. You're SICK! (speaking of which, we hope you are getting over your cold, demographic,,,,,,,,,,(i really have no idea why i was told to put those commas in there... it doesn't make any sense by all accounts):)

For the grand Finale we decided to break tradition, and post a hottie with a sandwich, instead of a hot sandwich. Its a little untraditional, but I think it works.

Happy Sunday Everyone!

Goddamit!

2007-11-30T19:17:00.000-08:00

Important Announcement

2007-11-29T20:43:00.001-08:00

I'm not a huge basketball fan, but the Warriors may be the most exciting, entertaining team I've ever seen. Every outing feels like a playoff game. And there's just so many bizarre personalities...

Nice Work, Stack Jack

Butt fives with Baron Davis and Matt Barnes

And the suave goofball, Andris Biedrins

...Good Times

take a look at this

2007-11-28T19:18:00.001-08:00

Our Dumb World

I found this on my Kaiser page

2007-11-27T22:13:00.001-08:00

A female version of George Michael from Arrested Development?
And is that Queen Latifah in the background?

2007-11-27T21:42:00.000-08:00

I gained another game on Keyshawn this week and now I'm only down 5 games. I'm catching up, you bastard!

next week:

Packers over Cowboys
Vikings over Lions
Seahawks over Eagles
Chargers over Chiefs
Dolphins over Jets
Colts over Jags
49ers over Panthers
Texans over Titans
Rams over Falcons
Bills over Redskins
Browns over Cardinals
Raiders over Broncos
Bears over Giants
Saints over Bucs
Steelers over Bengals
Patriots over Baltimore

Enlightening Article

2007-11-26T17:33:00.000-08:00

Holiday Advertisers Seek Coveted Dicktard Demographic

Good Comedy

2007-11-23T18:49:00.000-08:00

Here is a sneak peek of the conversation that will go on between Ted Tollner and Jim Hostler this weekend in Arizona.

Hostler: Ted, it’s 3rd and 9 at our own 9. I’m thinking we run a shotgun draw with Moran Norris.
Tollner: Interesting, but I notice Brian Gilmore hasn’t seen any action yet. Let’s run the wide receiver screen pass here.
Hostler: Good call. I’m glad you’re here.

(3 minutes later)

Tollner: Okay the defense just gave up seven and with Hicks returning we should have the ball at our own 30. So what is your next play.
Hostler: Frank up the middle.
Tollner: Couldn’t have said it better.
Hostler: Okay 2nd and 9. I’m thinking a reverse to Gilmore.
Tollner: Go for it. I really like Gilmore and if he could have escaped those 7 defenders in the backfield last series he could have scored.
Hostler: Damn, I thought he was gonna break it.
Tollner: Can’t win them all. Okay it’s now 3rd and 17. What do you think?
Hostler: I’m thinking a shotgun draw to Maurice Hicks. I really believe we’ll fool the defense and pick up at least 7 yards. That will give Andy Lee the opportunity to put it inside the 20.
Tollner: Yes, gotta think about your Pro Bowl punter…we really need to pad his stats.

(7 minutes later)

Hostler: Cool, the defense held them to 3. I’m thinking right out of the gates a run up the middle with Frank
Tollner: How about the deep ball to Jackson, he is steady and has great hands.
Hostler: Will do. This should be automatic seven.
Tollner: Crap, he dropped it. Sun must have been in his eyes. 2nd and 10. I’d pass to Vernon Davis here.
Hostler: I don’t know. I like it when Davis blocks. Yes he has the ability to break open a play, but he serves us better as a blocker. I was thinking of a screen pass to Gore.
Tollner: You’re right, call it in.
Hostler: Damn, false start. 2nd and 20. Shotgun draw again?
Tollner: Yes.
Hostler: Tough break, but hey Gore got at least 10.
Tollner: We got them right where we want them. 3rd and 10. Let’s throw a 6 yard out to Battle. He should be able to pick up the other 4.

Schaddenfreude

2007-11-22T16:04:00.000-08:00

I can't help but enjoy England's humiliating elimination from the European Cup Tournament. England spends more money on futebol than any other country in the world, but all they have to show for it is a bunch of prima-donnas mixed in with some husky talentless oafs. England lost to a country with one semi-competitive club team (NK Zagreb), a population of 4.5 million, and a GDP probably equivalent to what the English spend on tea. The British have lorded it over Continental and Latin American soccer for years and use their mega-media and English language to make the United States think that England is a real soccer powerhouse. It isn't and it hasn't been for at least 40 years. They're a joke. Lousy coach, overpaid and overrated players, a few rare talents (Gerard, Ferdinand, Beckham), and an overall lack of technical skill. I am so sick of hearing the British commentators go on and on about how amazing they are and discuss 'who could possibly beat the English?' and I will enjoy hearing them lament their absence during the Euro '08 coverage.

49ers "humor"

2007-11-22T14:19:00.001-08:00

wow!

2007-11-21T16:24:00.000-08:00

I went an incredible 14-2 last week, helping me gain two games on Johnson. Maybe the picture of that Machiavelli statue really helped me (nice leg, huh?). I'm now down 6 games.

Next week's picks:
Packers over Lions
Cowboys over Jets
Colts over Falcons
Redskins over Bucs
Raiders over Chiefs
Titans over Bengals
Browns over Texans
Seahawks over Rams
Jags over Bills
Cardinals over 49ers
Broncos over Bears
Chargers over Ravens
Pats over Eagles
Steelers over Dolphins

A follow up...

2007-11-17T18:20:00.001-08:00

yeah, I've been there.

...and another (quite possibly the last):

ok...one more...by popular demand:

Not the best, but I thought I should post something

2007-11-16T22:07:00.001-08:00

Call in the Vultures: Trent Dilfer to Start

2007-11-15T21:30:00.000-08:00

Patriots, satan, already fitting uniform for McFadden, the 1st pick of the 2008 draft.

River City Ransom

2007-11-15T21:16:00.000-08:00

River City Ransom

yikes

2007-11-13T22:30:00.000-08:00

KJ and I manage to beat the odds and do a horrendous 5-9. In case you don't know, that's really really bad. At least he didn't gain any more games on me.

By the way, the 49ers are horrible.

Next week's projections:

GB over Panthers
Vikings over Raiders
Jags over Chargers
Cardinals over Bengals
Texans over Saints
Giants over Lions
Browns over Ravens
Eagles over Dolphins
Bucs over Falcons
Steelers over Jets
Seahawks over Bears
Dallas over 'Skins
Rams over 49ers
Pats over Bills
Titans over Broncos

Classic

2007-11-10T22:23:00.000-08:00

[Warning, this guy is very creative with his profanity]

(Stay with it, it's good stuff)
E.T.

link

"The Power Glove"

link

TMNT: 1

link

And this month's "SANDWICH OF THE MONTH" goes to:

2007-11-09T19:55:00.000-08:00

I call it the Machiavelli...
Irresistible!!!

This is real:

2007-11-09T19:49:00.000-08:00

The Mustache Cup, to protect any pristine 'stache (stolen from my new favorite site)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2007-11-08T17:31:00.001-08:00

If this isn't funny (at least for the first couple minutes) I don't know what is.

I think that if your percentage is lower than Colbert's you should be required to drop out of the race. Especially if you're only getting less than 1% (I'm looking at you Chris Dodd).

By the way, at one point a poll claimed that in a race of Clinton vs. Giulianni, Clinton would get 45%, Rudy 35%, and Colbert would get 13%!!

Although I've been deliberating for some time, I've decided to officially endorse Colbert for the Democratic Nomination (hey what the hell, the Republican one as well) now that he has conceded. According to my statistics, the "Greatest Thoughts Ever Contrived Push" is worth about 25% percentage points in most national polls.

Alex Smith wishes that were him...

2007-11-08T16:43:00.000-08:00

Picks for next week

2007-11-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

Seahawks over 49ers
Saints over Rams
Bills over Dolphins
Titans over Jags
Steelers over Browns
Redskins over Eagles

Panthers over Falcons
Chiefs over Broncos
Packers over Vikings
Ravens over Bengals
Lions over Cardinals
Raiders over Bears
Cowboys over Giants
Indy over Chargers

2007-11-05T16:08:00.000-08:00

Jerks

2007-11-05T16:05:00.000-08:00

Mean Automakers Dash Nation's Hope For Flying Cars

Darkness Ascends

2007-11-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

Regardless of tonight's game, KJ moved up 3 games on me this week giving him a commanding (insurmountable?) lead of 8 games. I really thought I'd do better than this.

In other news, the dawn of a thousand years of darkness has begun as evil triumphed over good in the Patriots 24-20 win over the Colts. This morning Belichick celebrated by bathing in orphan's blood.

One last item: Whoa!! What the hell was that? Adrian Peterson broke the single game rushing record with 296 yards against one of the best run defenses in the league, the San Diego Chargers. He did this despite only having 40 yards in the first half, technically still being the backup to Chester Taylor, and playing for the Vikings who have no passing game whatsoever and an injured starting quarterback.

The Top 10 Biggest Sports Battles of Good vs. Evil

2007-11-02T19:36:00.000-07:00

1. Baltimore Poor Orphans vs. The KKKers (1902 World Seriers)

2. Allied POWs vs. Nazis (Escape to Victory)

3. Colts vs. Patriots (Sunday)

4. U.S. vs. Russia (Hockey Winter Olympics, 1980)

5. 49ers vs. Cowboys (Like 30 times in the 1990s)

6. Ka'ath vs. Kapak vs. RiGo'toar (Klingon game of KawlnRick!)

7. Zombie Hitler vs. Cyborg St. Francis of Assisi (Madison Square Garden, 2435)

8. Jamaica vs. Arrogant Germans (Bobsledding, Calgary '88)

9. Evil Portugal vs. Heroic, Newly "Liberated" Iraq (2004 Olympics)

10. Liu Kang vs. Shang T'Sung (Mortal Kombat 2)

11. Anybody vs. Yankees, Real Madrid, Lakers, USC, or Pete Sampras

This blog is in direct competition with me!

2007-10-29T23:01:00.001-07:00

Apparently another blog is trying to move into my niche market: being super awesome. I wish them the best of luck.

aww...this brings back all those memories of hours spent in political science labs...those were the days...

2007-10-29T22:58:00.001-07:00

Political Scientists Discover New Form Of Government

WASHINGTON, DC—Political scientists at the Cato Institute announced Monday that they have inadvertently synthesized a previously theoretical form of government known as megalocracy.

"We were attempting to recreate a military junta in a controlled diplomatic setting, and we applied too much external pressure," said head researcher Dr. Adam Stogsdill, a leading expert in highly reactionary ruling systems. "The resultant government has the ruthless qualities of a dictatorship combined with the class solidarity of a plutocracy—it's quite a remarkable find."

Stogsdill explained that megalocracy is extremely unstable and can only exist in idealistic conditions for a few minutes before collapsing into anarchy.

MODESTO!!!!

2007-10-29T22:51:00.001-07:00

Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again

Curse You Keyshawn!!!!

2007-10-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

KJ gained two more games on me and now has a commanding 5 game lead...sigh.

...
So you thought the Patriots were good before? In case you didn't know, the Patriots were mauling teams WITHOUT THEIR 2 STARTING RUNNING BACKS!! This week they saw a still ailing Moroney return. He should be completely healthy by next week against the Colts.

Speaking of which, I pick the Colts to win not because I think they have a chance, but because I have a romantic hope that evil can't always triumph over good. If the Colts don't beat the Pats, nobody will. How evil are the Patriots? In the 4th quarter, winning 38 to nothing against the 5th best defense in the league, the Washington Redskins, and with Brady still in the game, the Patriots, on the Redskins 23 yard line, went for it on 4th and 1. Yup...41-0 wasn't good enough. They got the 1st down and proceeded to score a touchdown, making it 45 to nothing......Pure evil.

so, my picks for next week...
Colts over Pats
Redskins over Jets
49ers over Falcons
Tampa over Arizona
Green Bay over KC
Bengals over Bills
Vikings over Chargers
Lions over Broncos
Titans over Panthers
Jaguars over Saints
Seahawks over Browns
Raiders over Texans
Cowboys over Eagles
Steelers over Ravens

More Ridiculous than Cal vs. Stanford?

2007-10-28T14:25:00.000-07:00

Why don't teams just do this every play?

Rarely do I indulge in baseball humor, but even I got this one...

2007-10-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

Red Sox Attempt To Break Fabled 'Curse Of Relief Pitcher Curtis Leskanic'

BOSTON—The Boston Red Sox, who have failed to win a single World Series since the departure of relief pitcher Curtis Leskanic in 2004, are attempting to defy the odds and do the impossibl

e: reverse the curse of the journeyman reliever whose ghost has haunted this team since the mid-2000s.

Pitted against the Colorado Rockies in the 2007 Fall Classic, the team that for two long years seemed like it might be destined to lose forever has a chance to finally put an end to its 36-month-long World Series drought. However, the Red Sox must first overcome the famed Curse of Curtis Leskanic, which caused medium-to-long-suffering fans much anguish and heartache during the period between 2005 and 2006.

"It will take a miracle for the Sox to win the World Series as long as the spirit of Leskanic has anything to say about it," wrote Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy, who coined the phrase "Curse Of The Former Red Sox Relief Pitcher Curtis Leskanic" in March of 2005, when an error by shortstop Edgar Renteria allowed the Devil Rays to defeat the Red Sox 7-4 in a spring training game. "This curse will play a huge part in this series. Every home run that curves just foul, every dropped fly ball, every bad hop, every blown call—Curtis Leskanic will be there."

Leskanic, a right-handed set-up man acquired by the Red Sox halfway through the 2004 season, pitched nearly 28 innings for the team from July to September, and was present as Boston defeated the Yankees in the ALCS and went on the win the World Series. However, as legend has it, the Red Sox refused to offer him a contract extension, despite the fact that he was coming off a 3-5 season with a 5.19 ERA and 37 strikeouts. Leskanic, unable to find work in the major leagues, retired—and the rest is history. Since then, the Florida Little League team that Leskanic went on to coach has enjoyed unprecedented success, winning the Lake County Round Robin two years in a row and going undefeated in 2006.

Meanwhile, the Red Sox have made it to the playoffs just twice since 2004.

"I don't usually believe in 'curses,' but how else do you explain the Red Sox's early elimination from the 2005 Division Series, or their five-game sweep at the hands of the Yankees last August, or the fact that they didn't even make the playoffs in 2006?" said longtime Red Sox fan Gary Everett. "No team is that unlucky."

"We never should've gotten rid of Leskanic," Everett added. "Just think of how many more rings we'd have now."

"When [White Sox outfielder Scott] Podsednik hit that home run in Game 1 of the 2005 ALDS, all I could think was, 'Damn you, Leskanic!'" said Allston, MA resident Terry Bresler. "But if the Sox can beat the Rockies this year, I might be able to finally forgive Tony Graffanino for that error he made in Game 2 of that series."

In an interesting twist of fate, to end the curse, the Red Sox must first beat the Rockies, the team with which Leskanic began his career in 1993. Many fans believe destiny brought these two teams together—that it is only fitting that the Red Sox must exorcise the demons of their recent past against the very team with which Leskanic enjoyed his greatest success, including his 7-5, 6.23 ERA season in 1996 and his 1-1 effort in 1994.

"Ending the curse against the Rockies will just make it that much sweeter," said Boston resident Terry McMahon. "Not even Curtis Leskanic can stop this team!"

"I just pray that my son can see the Sox win at least one World Series in his lifetime," said Boston resident Sal Fischer of his son Cody, 2.

Many Red Sox fans believe the Curse of Curtis Leskanic was already broken this June when two diehard Red Sox fans traveled to Leskanic's childhood home in Homestead, PA and burned it to the ground, while others think the curse was lifted in August when the Red Sox won three games in a row. Still others believe that the ghost of Leskanic was expelled from Boston in April, when Jimmy Buffett played to a sold-out crowd at Fenway Park; Leskanic was known for not being that into Jimmy Buffett.

Curtis Leskanic currently resides in Orlando, FL with his family, and works as a pro scouting consultant in the Red Sox organization. When reached for comment, he wished the Red Sox the best of luck.

I get Clobbered by KJ

2007-10-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

KJ went a strong 10-4, while I did an extremely poor 7-7. This means that KJ now has 3! games on me. Sigh.

Maybe I'll come back next week:

Indy over Panthers
Detroit over Chicago
Steelers over Bengals
Giants over Dolphins
Cleveland over Rams
Tennessee over Raiders
Jets over Bills
Chargers over Texans
Bucs over Jags
Patriots over Redskins
49ers over Saints
Broncos over Packers

An ode to great diatribes:

2007-10-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

Mario Savio at Sproul Hall

From the movie Network, Howard Beale
"I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's work, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV's while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.' Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot - I don't want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you've got to get mad.
[shouting] You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, Goddamnit! My life has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell,
[shouting] 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!' I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell - 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!... You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it:
[screaming at the top of his lungs] "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

Dennis Green:

A Twist: 2 Guys Ranting at Each Other (Ron Paul and Sean Hannity):

I don't know if this counts, but: Ann Coulter (Quite possibly the most annoying person on the planet)

Bill Maher (with all of his lame jokes):

Donkey

MMM....delicious

2007-10-20T20:47:00.001-07:00

"...The President's Amusement..."

2007-10-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

My Congressmen, Pete Stark, makes headlines with provocative remarks:

I guess he's representing me well.

Somewhat Obscure Joke, Part 1

2007-10-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

Vinny Testaverde Touchdown Dance Hopelessly Out of Date:

Not bad

2007-10-18T17:00:00.000-07:00

In The Know: Is The Government Spying On Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough?

An Actual Quote From Hillary Clinton

2007-10-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

"To paraphrase Stephen Colbert, that great philosopher, this administration doesn't make decisions based on facts, it makes facts based on decisions. By ignoring or manipulating science the Bush administration is letting our economic competitors get an edge in the global economy."

Colbert is my hero.

Good Stuff

2007-10-16T22:06:00.001-07:00

Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

Pump Up the Warning!

2007-10-15T23:25:00.000-07:00

kj and I are tied

2007-10-14T23:01:00.000-07:00

Regardless of Monday Night's result, Keyshawn and I will be tied as he gained a game on me this week. Assuming the Giants win, I went 7-6 and KJ went 8-5.

Let's go over some Stats of the Week:

- Devin Hester has played 21 regular season games. This week he broke Gale Sayers' record for most KR touchdowns with 9. Sayers played 68 games.

-Adrian Peterson ran for over 224 yards against the Chicago Bears...let me emphasize...224 yards against THE CHICAGO BEARS. Peterson, who also had a 55 yard kick return as part of his 361 all purpose yards (3rd most ever in NFL history), set the record for most rushing yards EVER against the Bears. The Bears have been a franchise for 87 years. Take a look at the highlights.

-The Patriots have outscored opponents by a combined score of 138 points. 27 teams in the NFL have yet to score 138 points (For the record, the 9ers have 64)

-Tom Brady has 21 touchdowns and 2 interceptions in 6 games. To be on pace to beat Manning's record of 48 TDs in a season, one would need to throw 3 TDs, on average, every game. Translation: Brady is on pace to break the record in less than 14 games.

-The Raiders have lost 16 straight division games.

-Reggie Bush had his 3 longest rushes in his career against the Seahawks. I don't know exactly what is the most amazing part of that stat: that it was part of the 42 unanswered points suffered by Seattle over 2 games after piling up 37 in San Francisco or that Bush's longest career run is 19 yards.

Predictions:
Baltimore over Bills
Saints over Falcons
Redskins over Cardinals
Giants over 49ers
Patriots over Dolphins
Texans over Titans
Bucs over Lions
Oakland over K.C.
Bengals over Jets
Bears over Eagles
Seahawks over Rams
Cowboys over Vikings
Steelers over Broncos
Jags over Colts

Big News! Supreme Court Ruling: Gore to hand over Nobel Peace Prize to Bush

2007-10-12T21:33:00.000-07:00

Hanging chads, Bush's "Clear Skies Initiative" (which raises allowable pollution
levels), cited in decision.

[I couldn't help it, I'm seeing football everywhere now.]

More Football Comedy that nobody cares about...

2007-10-11T15:53:00.000-07:00

In the tradition of this excellent post from 49ers news, here are some more suggestions from 49er players placed in Mike Nolan's "anonymous" suggestion box.

Football Comedy from The Onion

2007-10-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

Patriots stunned by Mere 17 Point Victory

BOSTON—The Patriots organization is reeling this week following their narrow 34-17 victory over the lowly Browns, taking stock of their game-planning methods, philosophy, and indeed their entire season in the aftermath of a game in which they gained barely more than 500 total yards, came within seconds of failing to cover the spread, and scored only twice as much as their opponent.

"I think it's too early to call the season a failure," said visibly shaken Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, who was called into the office of owner Robert Kraft Monday morning and officially placed on probation in light of the insufficiently dominant victory. "I wish to extend my deepest apologies to the Patriots fans and ask them to continue supporting the players and the team. All the blame for Sunday's victory has to lie with me."

Practices have been subdued and intense this week as players struggle to adjust offensive and defensive schemes that were unable to put the Browns away until late in the first quarter, produced a scant 4.4 yards per rush—only 0.6 yards over the league average—and had to rely on two interceptions and a fumble recovery to finally go up by more than 10 points.

"I have to take my share of the blame," said quarterback Tom Brady, who has already drawn moderate criticism this season for throwing only three touchdowns in each of the Patriots' games so far. "With two minutes left in the fourth quarter, I missed [tight end] Kyle [Brady] in the end zone. Any other greatest quarterback makes that touchdown pass and we win by 24—not outstanding, but at least it would have given us some pride in the locker room. As it was, we couldn't look each other in the eye."

Although Belichick has refused to discuss personnel moves, Patriots insiders say that benching Brady for next week's game against undefeated Dallas was a definite possibility. All-pro tight end Ben Watson, who only scored twice against the Browns and struggled to produce a 106-yard performance, will almost certainly lose his starting job. Backup running back Samuel Morris managed only 102 yards on 21 carries and is generally acknowledged to be finished in the NFL. And wideout Randy Moss, held to only 49 yards, is almost certain to be traded by next week.

"It was probably my worst game as a pro," said linebacker Junior Seau, who was almost invisible for the whole game, only able to intercept a total of two Derek Anderson passes all game and none in the second half. "Not that I was alone out there. Randall [Gay] only recovered one fumble for a touchdown. And I hate to call out the other unit, but there were a couple of times when the offensive line almost gave up their fourth sack of the season."

"I've tried so hard to build a culture of winning here, and this is the kind of win we get," Belichick said at a post-practice press conference Wednesday. "This team has so much wrong with it, it's hard to believe we've managed to only lose zero games."